K - thanks for that vapo. Not really my question about the kids.
Really question is if I give them the key and allow her to pick them up, that's giving her all the control to have ZERO interaction with me. Is that really what I should do?
again, my question is on future interaction with ww, not kids at home.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
I hear you buddy, I really do, but why would you want interaction with someone that does not want to interact with you. You are trying to control her and by that you are only hurting yourself. You have to let her go buddy, become the world's greatest dad and grow as a person in ways you never imagined. You are better than this. Why would you want someone that did this to you in your life? You will come to realize that you do not need anyone in your life that does not want to be in your life. As harsh as it sounds, what ever your W does is none of your business and as sad as it sound you should let her to it...
That is the only way she can "realize the error of her ways"...
Vapo - I get that. That makes sense. Why then does Michelle and others talk about DB techniques being to look and act your best in brief interactions if you should not want those interactions because you're better than that?
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Okay, so the real issue has nothing to do about giving the kids a key. It is about leading to no interaction between you and WW, right?
I guess my issue is not whether or not they have the keys, it's that I'm not really liking the idea of my ww dropping them off and driving away without any interaction and then picking them up when I'm not home and having them lock it.
Quote:
The part I'm not happy with is zero interaction. I get that we do db for us and drop the rope for us. But if that's truly the case, why the aspect of looking, smelling and acting your best in those interactions. Why have interactions at all? So they can see the changes, right.
While if I agree to this, ww will never see those changes.
Well, if you are calling yourself dropping the rope, you aren't suppose to plan any interactions. You stop trying to control things in order to have interactions......and that's what you seem to be doing by not giving the kids a key.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I hear you. I've been dealing with the same things. My kids are going to day care during the summer on Mondays and Thursdays just so that we don't have to interact. But we still find some times to interact though admittedly rather rarely - we do still have kids together.
Sandi, Matt, everyone - that's what I felt. That by not giving the key I was controlling the situation and essentially forcing interactions. No problem. I will give them the key and have ww pick them up on her way home while I'm not there.
That's what she wants to do, so I'll continue to stay dark, GAL and work on me. No control over her or when we interact.
Got it.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
You seem to be in a quandry over picking which choice is worse or better.
I have just as much issue that the kids are home alone, and although she may not be a fit parent, it is better than no one at all, I guess.
Give them the key, and that will help you with detachment, and it will in fact show her that you are changing, and letting go.
After I posted
Originally Posted By: Ripken8
Sandi, Matt, everyone - that's what I felt. That by not giving the key I was controlling the situation and essentially forcing interactions. No problem. I will give them the key and have ww pick them up on her way home while I'm not there.
That's what she wants to do, so I'll continue to stay dark, GAL and work on me. No control over her or when we interact.
you have the fundametnals wrong... YOU ARE NOT CHANGING FOR HER, YOU ARE CHANGING FOR YOURSELF. But trust me, she will notice, they always do. Do not think for one second that just because you do not see her, she does not notice. There are hundreds of other channels for her...
But trust me, she will notice, they always do. Do not think for one second that just because you do not see her, she does not notice. There are hundreds of other channels for her...
Ripken, I read through your entire thread and our situations are very similar, minus the kids, which I know is a significant piece of the puzzle. I just wanted to let you know that I struggle with the point above too. In my sitch, I basically have zero interactions with my WW (we don't even have kids, so probably less than most). I've seen this question asked many times on this board and I haven't seen a satisfactory answer as to HOW our WW's will notice our changes when they don't see us or talk to us. All I have seen are generalities or assumptions.
I'm hardly one to give advice since I'm so new to this process myself, but I wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. Best of luck and stay strong!
Me: 34 W: 30 Together: 11 years Married: 4 years BD: 4/2014 A Discovered: 5/2014 WW Filed: 7/2014 Separated: 8/2014 Divorced: 10/2015
you change for you, and not for your W. If you keep looking over your shoulder where your W is, it will drive you nuts. And also, if you change for her, then you will always be expecting results and if you do not see immediate results, frustration sets in. The goal is to find yourself, to find out that you can be happy for yourself by yourself and that you do not need another person to make you happy (only you can make you happy). If you count on an outside source to make you happy, you are setting yourself for disappointment...
