MLC Sux

[asitis]

We're still close often and still working on our marriage so it makes it harder to detach. I try to think of him as a roommate who pays my bills for me so I don't get upset that he comes and goes as he pleases. I'm not yet fully successful in that reframing.

But today I did have a flood of understanding about becoming a wife that any husband would be a fool to leave and also about detaching from his tantrums. I realized many bad things may happen, earthquakes, financial disasters, car accidents, plane wrecks, disease.....and I can't control any of them. But I don't walk around freaking out over the possibility of them either.

He may do many wretched things in the months to come. And, if he does, I'll have no control over it. I can only do my best to have integrity in each moment and work on my humility so I don't get stirred up to anger over and over due to past or imagined injustices.

Let go and Let God. I am entitled to personal peace.

I'm sorry you are going through all this, and it must really hurt. I did want to point out that you seem to think there is a lot you can't control, and that may be, but there is a lot that you can do something about.

You say that he is working on your marriage, yet he has moved all your money (it is both of yours no matter who has the job) into accounts you have no access to (and maybe some that he is trying to hide from you in the event of a divorce so that he doesn't have to divide your marital assets). This is not the sign of someone who is working on a marriage. This is not something you should take lying down. It sounds like you have been very understanding and tolerant. Perhaps--and I don't know your full story obviously, so it is just food for thought--your doing a 180 may be to stand up for yourself and show him that you deserve respect and equal treatment. That these are your joint assets and either he keeps them where you can see and have access to them or you will take steps to ensure that your legal and morally rightful half is deposited into accounts under your control. Please find and consult a divorce attorney before hand so that this is not an idle threat. You need the counsel anyway given that he has filed and has started hiding your assets. You don't have to accept their advice, but you should at least hear it.

Remember that during an MLC, they are often very selfish and childish. There is also a lot of testing going on. You need to establish healthy boundaries during this time. If you H really decides to come back and work on the R, great. You can relax those boundaries as his behavior warrants. But if it is an MLC, you are in for a rough ride with someone who will behave in ways that are unpredictable and not in keeping with the values and patterns you are used to. He is trying to figure out who he is, and probably the best thing you can do is to focus on who you want to be. It is hard, but it will get easier. You will start to find some things that bring joy into your life even while the pain and hardship of your M is still there.

Good luck, and keep posting. As a newcomer myself (I lurked for a while before starting posting, but I'm still a relative newcomer), I've been very glad of the helpful insights and support others have given me already.

[DJin]

Waiting for change is my 180. I was fighting for access to the money before.

It feels very unnatural and counter-productive to say, "ok, you have all the money now. What do you want me to do?" But sometimes DB feels like that. He's still paying the bills. I'm not going without anything I need. This situation may resolve itself in a few months if I can be still about it.

I don't think he's working on the marriage much. But, as the DB book suggests, I'm looking for small victories. He is going to MC with me. He is still paying the bills. He is still living in the house.

As odd as this all is to me, he still believes everything he says and he still thinks he's the injured party here. I married a very kind and good man and I treated him well and he treated me well. Then his father died suddenly and my H decided I'm doing everything wrong and he needs tons and tons of space. Why does he need this space? He's not clear. When I ask questions he says he won't answer because I didn't ask right. There's always *some* reason that whatever way I asked wasn't the right way to ask so that's why he won't answer.

He's very irrational right now. But I am grateful he's still here, grateful he hasn't served me with divorce papers, grateful he's still working.

I am not grateful for those things because it would hurt me so much if they didn't exist. But, it would hurt my kids an awful lot. And I can do hard things for my kids. So, I am grateful my kids are not going through a divorce right now. Because I think many of these problems will solve themselves in time if I don't make them worse.

[teach3]

Hang in there DJin. A MLC really does suck! My husband seems like a stranger at times and then he will let his guard down and I will see the real him. The more I read I realize it's going to be a long process. My husband also asks for space. He is in another country right now so I'm not sure how much more I can give him.LOL! Patience is a necessity during this mess, so buckle down...it's going to be a bumpy ride.

[DJin]

Thanks Teach! I think support from others fighting for their marriage will really help me with patience.

[DJin]

The last few days I've been reading the infidelity section of DR. I'm paying particular attention to the segment on "if your spouse doesn't want to end the affair."

I know of no affair in my case, but I thought, what if I apply these ideas to my spouse's substance abuse issue? If I consider that he's having an affair with alcohol, could I better cope with it? Not sure, but it will be my new experiment.