She replied, yes, you would use it as a punishment wouldn't you? I replied, that is not my business, I don't punish anyone or decide on people's fate. She said we would be making a big mistake if we used lawyers. She said if I insisted on a lawyer then give her a couple of months to save up for one as she is broke right now and she doesn't know if she could get a loan from a bank.
Why is it your problem? I mean, you're not forcing her to get a L. She put YOU in this position. You are doing the right thing by getting a L. If she's 'broke', then it's all on her since she spent her money on the OW. She is going have to figure out how to prioritize her spending patterns. She claims to be broke to support kids' activities, but not broke to support her OW??!! Hmmm...that's interesting.
Originally Posted By: HeavyD
She said our divorce does not have to be contentious and the current model is not sustainable. She regrets that she hurt me and stepped out like she did but I gave her no choice. I said so you are blaming this affair on me? She replies No, that's not what I meant. There is too much hostility and anger and if we mediate, she would be my biggest cheerleader and we could raise the children in a much better atmosphere. It would be the same only we would not be married.
Ohhh..the WAW "logic"...NOT! Didja know that mediation is normally handled through lawyers anyway?
Originally Posted By: HeavyD
HER Suggest Options
1. Return to mediation and divorce 2. Coparenting counseling to learn to be better co-parents and divorce and we be a happy family.
MY Suggested Options
1. Use lawyers and divorce 2. Return to mediation and divorce 3. Couples Counseling to navigate our way through this and stay the divorce until we can work out the issues. There must not be any third party involved.
^^ right there is where you flubbed badly and W rightly called you out on this. Especially this part from W:
She said OK - I get it, "You call the shots", you won't call off the lawyer unless I agree to couples couseling, that is really sick and typical of you. That is your carrot. You always manipulate and control everything and I won't go back to that. I am not interested in being married to you, I have not asked for that I want to divorce.
Do you now see this at all? It most definitely came across this way. Drop the notion of attending couples counseling. I think family counseling with a qualified child psychologlist is what you would want to aim for here.
As for the 19-years of 'pure hell' convo, I think you handled it really well. Nicely done.
Originally Posted By: HeavyD
And now my W texts - would you like to me AP face to face?
As the children are going to meet her, she wanted to give me the courtesy first.
I would have responded:
Absolutely not. OW is not worthy of my time or attention. I think it is highly inappropriate given the situation.
Heavy, stay the course with the L. Stick to your guns. She's trying to manipulate the situation by pushing your emotional buttons and making it out to be that you're the bad guy should you continue to protect your own interests (and your kids too for that matter).
Fair enough about the couples counseling. I agree at this point it is not an option. She is done with me and frankly I am done with her. In her mind she has moved on. In my mind she has moved on. Now I just need to convince myself to move on too.
We have tried the family counseling and the kids are OK. They have adjusted the best out of all of us.
My goal is now to just get through this awful process with as much dignity as I can maintain. I will try to be polite and cordial but it is really really hard to do.
I just wish she would drop the phony we will be the happy family we already are BS. If she drops that I will stop suggesting any type of counseling.
How about that for a deal.
I was just hoping for a miracle that she would want to not throw away our 20 year marriage and our two beautiful kids. I guess that was the wrong thing to say. No, you can't make someone love you. I get that.
Wonka is spot on with all of this. I'm sorry you are in a difficult place right now. Yes, it does appear that your W is pushing buttons and that is why detachment is crucial.
I'm gonna toss something out a bit different on OW. While I agree that OW isn't worth your headspace, you do have children with your W. I did invite X Mr. GB and OW to Christmas at my house because....well, I figured I would meet her at some point. Why not meet over some cookies??!! I certainly wasn't worried about feeling threatened or less than by her presence. Why would I? This no longer became an issue regarding respect for me because I had zero control over their behavior. I never had control of their actions at any point. Granted, our D was final at that point (only 30 days needed here) and x Mr. GB declined which wasn't shocking. His parents would have been there as well and oh I'll skip that part:)
If you have any concerns about OW, I would go and meet her. However, you will probably meet her at some point anyway. Everyone here may think I'm crazy for suggesting that, but you seem like a smart, strong, capable lady. However, if you have no concerns, then I understand declining the invitation. Again, even if you had concerns it would be challenging or impossible to share with your W. It could be just for your own peace of mind.
I agree with Wonka that your W is trying desperately to make you the villain. Don't wear the black hat. Detach. Be cordial and focus on you and your peeps.
Hang in there!
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 06/08/1506:34 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
It all boils down to this. Wife wants another life now, and resents me being in the picture and protecting myself. Who wants to "call the shots here?" Me trying to hang onto my marriage and family and making it worse. She claims that the only way for us to hold onto any shred of our relationship is to mediate and not use lawyers.
I have to stop the voice in my head saying that I am the victim here, I just have to be woman enough to accept reality. Reality is a b*tch but it slaps you in the face.
Nothing has changed from Day 1 - W wants her AP and me and kids to play along. I seriously don't see how that will ever happen. She hates it that I won't play happy family and hates that I have "carved her" from her life. Any weakness she sees in me, it repulses her and she uses it against me.
She is resolute in her belief that the AP had nothing to do with the ending of our marriage. She is free to believe her narrative.
I am tired of fighting all of this. I accept it and now I just have to pick up the pieces which I have been slowly doing. Life is not fair or just, it just is and all we can do is accept it for what it is, a gift that we get one day at a time. We have to keep moving and not let the world pass us by.
It makes me feel sick to think that I have been trying to manipulate her back into this marriage and yes, I accept responsibility for this. I see that now and can image how awful that must have felt for her. I will not do that in the future.
I saw the opera Carmen over the weekend and the theme song is in French and is translated into:
"Love is a rebellious bird that nobody can tame, and you call him quite in vain if it suits him not to come. Nothing helps, neither threat nor prayer."
It made me cry and was so appropriate for the moment I was in.
I think meeting an X's new spouse or fiancé or live in person is different from meeting someone the X is just dating.
Bringing a string of people thru the children's lives can be confusing to the children and the courts can sometimes see it as a less stable environment. So, it may be to your W's detriment in a divorce to introduce the children to her AP. And I don't think there's any reason for you to meet the woman whose mistress is your wife. It was tacky of her to even ask you to legitimize her relationship with someone she is helping to cheat. Your W might have filed for D but it doesn't sound like her AP has so, gross on both of them.
This sounds to me like more flailing around from your W to try to upset you. Not sure what the motive is there.
M: 16y 3 adult kids, 2 young kids H filed D May/15, no svc yet Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends? ~ Abe Lincoln WAKE UP. WORK HARD. FORGIVE. REPEAT.
Stay the course - that will only lead us down one path. I guess that is my only option at this point. I honestly can't take any more of this pain. She has admitted it is painful and she is exhausted but determined to be free. I have granted her the freedom to fly away little bird although she always had the freedom. It was never something I controlled nor did she.
I won't talk anymore to her as it is counerproductive. We have the summer blocked out on the calendar so I have no reason to talk to her. I was really trying to get us into counseling but she is not having ANY PART of it. I don't see how we will ever be able to talk to one another again if we don't get any counseling. She is just so resolute in her decision and so entrenched in A.
I guess I keep up the cordial and polite exchanges at pick up and drop off and let it be. I will try to be as graceful as I can in this process.
I do not want it to be vindictive nor punative. It will be what it will be, a legal process only. It's so strange how fast life changes, instantly, on a dime.
I will stop saying that I will not play happy family. That is only a set up for another fight so I just won't say anything at all. Who knows what it will be in a year.
I said this morning you know you are right, it's best that we divorce. wished her good luck and walked out.
I was really trying to get us into counseling but she is not having ANY PART of it. I don't see how we will ever be able to talk to one another again if we don't get any counseling. She is just so resolute in her decision and so entrenched in A.
Here's a friendly reminder:
As long as there's a OW/OM in the picture, counseling is totally OUT of question. Counseling will only happen when the OW/OM is out of the picture. You only have to see Cali's sitch (and Crimson) to recognize this.
It's your desperation and fear that is leading you to open your mouth about counseling. You might want to sit on the fear sofa and talk to your Inner Child about those fears. Dig deep and work through those fears. Didn't you say that you already have a IC ? Might be a good place to start.
Didja know that mediation is normally handled through lawyers anyway?