Quick comment about the power thing. Reading Ur's comment about having the power made me think of you as a Samurai..maybe a little more hair A Samurai was a very powerful soldier and very disciplined and committed to the task. A real Samurai knew he had the power but also knew that real power was knowing you could devastate your enemy...and choosing his path over his immediate feelings. i.e. keeping his eyes on the goal.
Keep going until you can't and then a few more steps after that. You know, to be sure
I agree with Job - your W is trying to blend all kinds of 'pieces' of her life. I think you're right - it's not about you and it's normal to feel left out or in limbo.
You're not left out. She just isn't done baking and figuring herself out, amigo.
Bonzai!
AJ
Lol .. good analogy AJ. Yeah I know I could probably BD her myself at any moment, I am not done yet, are things where I would like them to be ... no. But things are better, I know I have it much better than others.
This thing ... its been tough, granted I still do have more hair than the typical Samurai ... its just been blessed with alot more greys over the past couple years ... I am not fighting that either .. just going all George Clooney and working it the best I can.
Yesterday picked up S from school ... usually its a "hello Daddy, how are you?" ... today .. "Pizza party dad?" ... yup our baseball season is over and it was pizza party time .. dude was excited. I felt that I was coming down with something .. still do ... flu ish whatevers ... I have not been sleeping well the past few days so maybe all that is catching up.
W called as we were on our way. She did not want to go, her reasons were she did not feel comfortable being hit up for $10 (Coaches Gift $$) and felt she should not pay. I STFU ... told her it was her choice and she was under no obligation to go. She asked if S would be upset if she did not go, then asked me if I would be upset.... the answer was a no from us both. I think its more than the $10 issue, yup .. Jedi Mindreading 101, I think it has more to do with her feeling that all the parents see her differently, not that they all know but you know how these MLC teens are .. everyone has their eyes locked on them.
W figured out during the call I was not feelings well, another half hearted offer to take S to the party, the one she just spent 10minutes avoiding ... I told her I wanted to go, was my last chance to see all the boys and thank them for the season.
Today the sister company has a Grand Opening, so I dropped off S this morning and I was in my suit .. got a "wow" from the W ... then she started in offering me all her herbs and supplements to 'cure' me ... I politely declined. This upset her and she spewed a little, I simply wished her a good day and left, no energy to even entertain her. She later TM me wishing me luch, hoping I felt better, offered to take the dog out later tonight .. I again thanked her and told her I would be home in time to walk the dog ... reminded her he has to be carried up and down the stairs .. .all 100lbs of him....lol
She has been very chatty via TM today, fun chatty .. I have replied in kind ... but not to everything ... push pull .. rinse repeat.
Everything is all set up for the Retroville weekend, W confirmed the place to keep the dog looked good (she went there vs the Pizza party) ... felt good not getting worked up thinking she was sneaking to OM, not that it matters but more that I dont even think about that till I type the stuff out here ... baby steps and progress.
I am keeping you both in my prayers. Just agreeing to focus on the marriage is a huge step. While it is too early to know what will transpire I believe positive energy sets the stage for more positive moments. Thinking of you both.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
It occurs to me, Cali, that she is "trying" in her way. I doubt she'd have made that much effort to be "helpful" if not. She clearly didn't want to take your son to the party but offered anyway. That's a large departure from the past, no?
It sounds like it feels like she is not all in. I believe that. But she's not ready to walk away either. From a momentum viewpoint, that's a pretty big step for somebody in her position. And it's not unnatural that you don't yet fully trust things. I doubt she does either.
Patience. It's how you'll see how things turn out But wanted to call that out because it seems an important reminder while you're on this journey.
Feel better! AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJ ... yeah you are right, and like you said her behaviors continue to be a 'large departure from the past' where she may not be 'all in' but she is not completely checked out and gone like she was last year.
So I touched on it a bit before but it came into play last night. I had a 'Grand Opening' dinner to attend at work, suit and tie event, which is not all that odd here at the new job (Been here about 1 1/2 years now) ... however seems to be more new to W as she has been in the MLC coma for some time.
Anyways ... the MLC stuff ... our medical was changed some time ago, now I do not know all the ins and outs but the gist of it is they gave us a credit card, with a limit, 1/2 was the companies and 1/2 we pay into. $3k total... from what I am told its to try to get the 'patients' to manage the medical a bit better.... redflag here right? So W is worried about getting laid off this week we decided its best to get my glasses now. We went in last Saturday and after all the insurance and deductions we were to pay around $400 out of pocket ... which to me was not out of the norm, last round was about $300. No big... however W says here put it on the card ... I gave her the WTF look, and she told me "Its free money" then went on to explain all the things she has bought, 2 sets of glasses, heating pads, massage contraptions .... on and on. I cringed ... well not surprisingly the card was declined because she has used up the entire limit. I was a bit ... well .. not shocked nor surprised just a little irritated because now we have to pay for every Dr visit out of pocket... this mostly impacts W as she is often at the DR, Chiro, phy. Ther. BUT ... S had a routine physical scheduled and what should have just been a co pay is now a $400 visit ...... yeah .. not good, Heaven forbid one of us actually gets sick and needs to go in.
I did not say a word, she apologized and offered to pay for the glasses and I told her no, with her possibly out of work was not a good idea, plus I have gone this long it was not a big deal.
So during my dinner W TM asking how its going, and that she went ahead and ordered my glasses. I have been fighting a little flu bug, have not been sleeping lately .... nothing to do with her but I can sense her guilt ramping up and this is her LL ... Acts of service. Just strange.
So I got home last night she asked if S could call ... I told her I just got home .. sure. Phone rings and instead of S on the phone it was W, telling me all about her day, her job, potential job searches ... I STFU and listened ... exhausted but listened wanting to say goodnight to S and go to bed. She asked me about my night, I started telling her but as soon as I started talking I realized she had me on speaker ... she was making her food for tomorrow .. kinda rubbed me wrong as I heard her out and once I talk its like she checks out .. so I cut the convo short .. asked to speak with S, she asked what was wrong and I told her. Rather than fight about it .. she tried to explain she was listening ... I just let it go and went to bed.
This morning .. TM Chatty-Kathy ... telling me its raining, what freeway she is taking ... smh
I can relate on the talking and just being exhausted but listening as they talk. My W does this some days for an hour or more. Its sporadic thought, she will do it a few days straight then back to not much talking at all. All at times I cant just "make myself unavailable" without looking like I'm intentionally avoiding her or being an [censored]. I'm in a much different situation, so its likely for a completely different reason shes talking to me.
I've been reading along with your sitch for a little while, not much I can really add. Its just interesting seeing the point of view from someone a year or two on. Dig deep indeed.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Thanks Fogg .... yeah the sitches in this section are the long haul types just due to the MLC issue, took me a month before reading about here that I belonged in this section ... not that I would ever wish it upon anyone.
W TM throughout the day, yup .. she was let go. All week she was actually looking forward to it, but just like all things .. I do think the fantasy of being unemployed for the summer, taking pictures, living carefree was fantasy la la land .. and reality just set in for her today. She has to pay back the 30k load she took out (Well hello MLC crisis) ... granted this was for BIL3 lawyers, something I would probably not have wanted but I was fired and not asked at the time.
She has feelers out, but had to ask me 3 times today if she was picking up S ... I told her she might as well as he is with her tonight. She is complaining about her laptop being slow, I told hre I could take a look ... Mr Fixer I know .. I will do this on my time, she needs it for the job search ... Acts of service.
I have to sent in the non-refundable check to Retroville .. with the weird limbo that has been going on the past few weeks I feel I should ask at this point if we are still a go for this, its kind of R talk but I do not want to just toss $$ out the window for no reason.
She called me telling me about the exchange, the fact she is getting a lawyer to look things over before she signs. Her circus honestly ... and for whatever reason I am more detached as I am curious to how this plays out ... she runs out of funds and then what .. suggests we are better and we should live together since she can not afford things?
I imagine she will land something pretty quick, I do hope its a better job and one she can be at peace with since she has struggled to find anything she really enjoys since the layoff in 2009. I am just being quiet, listening, ... she asked at one point if I was mad at her ..."as this has been a trend" (this is the 5th job in 6 years) .. I honestly am not, told her so, told her I just view it as another casualty in the corporate system, nothing personal ... just a restructure and she is out of her job .. that simple. Only reservation I do have is she networks like crazy, Linked in and FB ... along with that came OM .. I do have a concern there is door for more, she already admitted there was one pursuing her and she deleted him. I am not awake at night mind you .. just another observation.
So tonight I have a free night again! No S to pick up after work, nothing going on .. I may watch some movies I recorded and try to rest up and kick this bug .... maybe later if I feel up for it .. take a ride and visit my good buddy who does the karaoke show.
Feeling like I am in a good place lately ... at peace, taking things as they come .. Zero expectations.. GALs are in good order ... I do need to get with the church and figure out how I am going to volunteer for something .. anything ... Goal setting time there I think
Timing seems to have a hand in things, more evident now for me than ever, not sure if its a good thing or not .. all I can do at this point is just trust in God and continue on my own journey this thing has put me on.
Communications with W have seemed to drop a bit, some TM during the day .. evening nothing, night .. less still. As I mentioned W was laid off yesterday, up to that point seemed she was actually looking forward to it, but just like all MLC things what looked like it would be fabulous ... the reality was right there to give her a black eye.
She took out 30k during the crisis period, not sure how much went to BIL, but that loan was from her 401k, not smart ... now she has to come up with the money and she does not have it. That ontop of the job search ... well its pressure and we all know how MLCrs love pressure. So for me I see it, I have laid low ... pretty dark making sure my side of the street is clean and clear from crazytown.
W contacted me this morning asking how I was ... but was more about wanting to come by my work so I could scan some docs she needs to send to her accountant. I told her she was free to come by, she got lost ...I walked her here via phone. She looks a mess, did not want to come in, was on the verge of breaking down. I scanned her docs, emailed them to her, returned them to her as she was crying in the parking lot. I tried to assure her things would be ok, then caught myself and told her I am here if she wants to talk (knowing I can not fix this).
I have this Retrouville envelope with the funds to mail, I figured I could give it to her to drop off at the post office ... thinking if she still wanted that by her mailing it would prove it. This only seemed to add to the pressure which I seen quickly, told her I would handle it.
So I am not sure of the status, does not feel like there is any R going on, I get she has her hands full with her own mess, so I am continuing to just back off. She only seems to come to me when she needs help ... but even now that pride and stubborness seems to be controlling things.
I think about the story of Job ... maybe she needs to lose it all, seems at this point she has, Family destroyed, Job gone, OM gone (To the last of my intel), looking at financial problems. Just outside looking in, she is in trouble and I can really not bail her out ..... even now if she were want to be married all the sudden I know its out of fear facing what she has to face.
So I will continue doing what I have been doing, observe, live my life .. do my thing and see where this all takes me. The loneliness is setting in more and more as of late, I attribute that to my GAL offseason ... I do need to find a summer GAL till Softball cranks back up. Probably time to look into what is going on with the church.
Cali, I'm sorry your w is having a difficult time of it right now. She feels a lot of pressure right now because of the lay off. Once she gets over the shock of it, she'll be okay.
As for Retrouville, I honestly don't think your wife is ready for that. She's no where near ready to participate in this program and do the necessary work that they provide during your stay. It is for couples and unless she's willing to do the hard, necessary work, you would be wasting your money, time and energy going right now. But, that's my two cents on this particular subject.
Yes, like Job she's lost or is losing everything and this is what is needed for her to face her fears. You can't rescue her, but you can be there to listen and as a friend.
Keep the focus on you and allow God to work on/your wife.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
A Samurai was a very powerful soldier and very disciplined and committed to the task. A real Samurai knew he had the power but also knew that real power was knowing you could devastate your enemy...and choosing his path over his immediate feelings. i.e. keeping his eyes on the goal. 
