Sigh... Not in the greatest of moods now regarding mediation. It has dawned on me that the financial part is not going to be easy and we're set to start it on Friday.
The problem is that there are two ways of looking at our financial situation. The first is to look at our salaries and savings. I come out on top. The second is to look at the larger situation and she comes out on top. Her family is well-off, as in a few million dollars. They live an upper middle class lifestyle, drive a fancy car, go on 3-week trips with private guides, etc. Of course, WW is the beneficiary of this. They paid her entire studies (no debt), they give her thousands of dollars every year to subsidize her lifestyle, be in it cash, gifts or plane tickets. Most importantly, their wealth is her retirement money. My parents are lower middle class and will be an expense for me in their old age, if anything.
I guess I would be scrwed if it were just like this, as only our income and assets count, not that of our family. But WW always signed papers sent by her dad every year. She must be, and I don't have the details, the co-owner of many assets in her home country. So this "larger picture" is actually part of her income and assets as well.
Of course, I want the whole picture on the table. Now, this honesty is not going to play well with WW and her family. I'm not sure what is the reason for these assets to be in her name, but I bet it wasn't to share them with me (yes, some were acquired after the wedding). I'm also concerned that it will force my in-laws to open their books and I don't think they'll like it.
I realize this is still theoretical and that Friday will really reveal her approach to financial disclosure. So I'll try to prepare just my side of things. But I will call a lawyer after all, which I thought I'd keep for the final stages, and see how I can prepare to make sure WW gives the full picture.
I'm going to pay whatever I have to of course, but I don't like the idea of giving money to someone who's much richer than I am, who has a partner to share household expenses, who already lives beyond her means, who skims on some small expenses related to the kids, all of this in return for cheating on me twice, leaving me and taking away half my kids without even discussing. Don't blame me.
In general, I feel anger rising in me. I'm still sad and cry a few times a week. But the negative dynamics in our couple, the things that didn't work between us, they are coming back to the surface. The unfairness of it all is a lot to bear. I keep my mouth shut, but I can tell it's barely an inch below the surface. The ice is thin.
_____________________________________
Cadet | Thanks Cadet. I already have such a system, but I'm talking about updating the content. For each new success story, I have to read through to find the correct link, insert the HTML code, adjust the colors across the post, etc. Ideally, I would check that the existing links are still up-to-date. Hopefully this time will be shorter.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza - Mediation was hard for me too. All aspects are difficult with the kids and finances being the worst. I understand your points about her family's financial wellbeing. I would guess that if you try to explain that to the mediator and her, you will be out numbered and the thinking would be frowned upon. I think speaking to the L would be your best bet.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I'm sure this is very, very difficult for you and I'm sorry that you're going through it.
Regarding assets, I don't think you have a legal ground to go after her parents' books as they are separate assets from W UNLESS she is a co-owner of said assets. Then you might be able to go after them to ensure that finance are omewhat equitable for both parties.
Just remember its just money/things in the end, nothing of real value in the grand scheme of life. It might be nice to have things work out in your favor but don't let effect your mood too much/too long.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Thanks all. To clarify, my argument is not "her family is rich" but rather "she might legally own part of her parents' assets". The mediator will certainly suggest that WW disclose all her assets (no obligation in mediation). I just dread being the one calling her on it, especially if she denies it until I have to find some way for her to disclose it all. Her parents are not going to like it either. But we're not there yet.
I feel this is the end of DBing. For the longest time, I couldn't hide my pain from her, except by hiding myself. Now, I can't hide my anger and I have to face her in mediation. It has resurfaced in the last 2-3 weeks. I can't quite think of a way to approach this whole thing in a jovial too-bad-but-let's-do-it way. And her habit of minimizing the consequences of D while I wrinkle in a puddle of my own tears for the last nine months, while my livelihood is at stake because I can't work, losing me tens of thousands of dollars already, while I need some visitation time to see my kids on fathers' day — well, you get the picture. Meanwhile, she's going abroad for vacations five times in a year, brags about not crying about the S, complains about money, goes after our common dreams without me, and plays family with my kids and OM.
I mean, what more can I do than try to say as little as possible?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Sorry all these emotions are hitting you so hard Mozza, but pull yourself together and do what you need to do. This isnt easy, its [censored] hard, but you can and will do it. Protect yourself through the D as best you can and keep moving forward with your life. If you need to talk to the L about her assets, do it. Its possible they have already considered this and nothing is in her name anyway.
Originally Posted By: Mozza
I feel this is the end of DBing.
Not the end, back to the beginning of DBing. Have you forgot what DBing is for? YOU. Stop comparing how well things are going for her to how bad things might be going for you. Your value as a person does not increase or decrease because of anything to do with her. It might not be fair, but its life and you don't have control over it. You're a strong individual and going through normal emotions we all face. Stay the path and trust the process, W may not come back to you but you will come out stronger. Don't worry about what W comes out of this as, in the long run it means nothing to you. Letting that anger out to her wont do much to make those feelings go away, it will just be a temporary release.
Originally Posted By: Mozza
My stance at the moment is to let her live her life while I reflect and try to focus on me.
^^Back to this. Stop caring how she lives her life, just let her do it and focus on yourself. How can you change the parts of your life you're unhappy with now?
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Hi Mozza, I'm sorry you're finding things tough just now. I may be where you are some time soon, and I'm not looking forward to it either. I'm in a similar position to you in that there are assets in my H's name that I'm unsure about. But we are just starting the process of financial disclosure, so we'll see what gets declared. I have done my form and given my L all my information.
I would try and focus on this as 'business' as much as you can. The main aim is to achieve a reasonable division going forward in everyone's best interests. If you believe there are undeclared assets, just let your L know and they can ask the question on your behalf. I'm not looking forward to going through the process. But I am looking forward to getting to the other side and having access to funds that are tied up just now.
Try and focus on looking after yourself during this. Meditate if it helps, eat well, enjoy your kids and so on. It's not easy, but you will get through it...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Mozza - It legit [censored]. It is one of the hardest times you will ever have. But you have to think about how you actions will affect your goals and your children. You have given terrific advice to many people who have gone through the same or similar situations. Start to re-read your own advice, and perhaps you can find comfort and a path forward in a difficult time.
You know the statistics on OM relationships, you know she is going to re-write the past and present. You are educated in what to do, the proof is in your advice. This will be hard, but you can do it. You will always have a connection back to her through the kids, make the most of it.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I feel this is the end of DBing. For the longest time, I couldn't hide my pain from her, except by hiding myself. Now, I can't hide my anger and I have to face her in mediation. It has resurfaced in the last 2-3 weeks. I can't quite think of a way to approach this whole thing in a jovial too-bad-but-let's-do-it way.
Well Mozza- Are your only two options anger or joviality? I'd aim more for a mindset that you think you can maintain throughout the negotiations that doesn't harm your long term relationship. I'm thinking calm, principled and dignified.
And as to your wife's potential hidden assets- I'd view it through a business like lens. I'm not going to speculate on what a standard settlement might look like where you are. You seem to reasonably feel that you will be a better steward of finances for your children - I would let that be your guiding light throughout.
