Old dog seeks new trick 14

[Old Dog]

The next thing I'm pondering is ... I am the one whose name is on all the utilities, gas, leccy, water and jointly for council tax, the 'family' car and the rent.

Should I transfer all these to her? I'm gradually changing the address for all my other non-family stuff. My car, driving licence, voting reg is all at the flat.

Pros, cons?

[Maybell]

You've come a long way, NS-OD, with a ton of effort and I'm proud of you.

WRT transferring the utilities... Can you? Here it would be difficult for an unemployed person to have the credit for the service to be transferred.

But I think it would be a powerful thing to do if your lawyer concurred.

[Pink17]

I agree with Maybell, maybe talk to your lawyer and check what are your options regarding the utilities.

In my case, since I have D process running, it will be all decided when in mediation, we will need to reach an agreement of who pays what until it is all resolved and then the court states that X will be in H's name and Y will be in my name.

Since I am negotiating the house with H, all utilities will pass to my name.

It socks to think about all this, it seems so much work and so much energy spent towards this stuff. But we need to face reality and resolve all the financial side. That is serious business and we need to think we can regret tomorrow if we don't resolve it now.

But, my best advice would be to talk to your lawyer and have it cover by law before you make any decision. It's in your best interest and will keep you protect.

Good luck!
Pink

[Old Dog]

Another text from ww.

Whatever we decide for S12's birthday - most important is that he has an enjoyable time.

In our current situation, a day trip together to a random location feels ambitious. A specific attraction/play/film/show would at least give focus.

I understand your reserve about overspending. If necessary we could always revert to the idea of celebrating separately, and I could ask my mum to pay towards an activity.

But it would be preferable to try to agree on something for the 4 of us, now that we've told him that's the intention.

Thanks for the vote of confidence. She obviously thinks I'm going to call her a selfish **** again.

And it was she that suggested spending well over a ton on travelling to London and going one or two events. I reminded her that she doesn't actually have a job. Sheesh!

Mind you. Even though I suggested joining up with them. I don't want to spend any more time with her than necessary.

[Wonka]

OD,

I actually think this email was somewhat reasonable. She's made suggestions: 1) Celebrate separately 2) All together.

So you have two options. What are you going to do?

[Pink17]

OD,

I wonder if this anger that you show when you write about her, if it is showing when you interact with her in any given moment.

You seems to accept that this is the attitude for a WAS and yet it drives you bananas.

I hope you wait a few hours or a day to answer every single time she sticks the knife on your chest. Don't read too much on what she is saying or doing. Give some time, be patient and just keep your boundaries tight, so she won't hurt you all the time.

Think about what is best in this situation, if you go together you have a chance to show you have been changing and is somewhat detached from her. If you go separate, then you can rest and take it easy, because you don't need to feel uncomfortable all the time.

Sometimes less is a lot more.

Take care,
Pink

[LisaB]

Hi OD, just wanted to drop in and say you are doing so well and I am very proud of you. You're getting stronger each day! Someday you will look back on this and be grateful for the lessons and benefits of this terrible situation.
Big hug, Lisa

[gan]

I'm with Wonka and Pink on this one. The text seems quite reasonable tome, why does it yank at you so, OD, and does this show to WW?

[Old Dog]

It's because she feels the need to remind me that I have to behave for S12's birthday. I have tried my very best to be a good positive role model for my kids. And you know I think I've done a brilliant job despite everything.

I don't actually feel anger any longer, just a bit irritated. And obviously, living the other end on the country and going super dark she can't see any changes in me.

Thanks for your support and hugs (I like these the best :-).

[Old Dog]

Just coming back to what you asked Pink,

I wonder if this anger that you show when you write about her, if it is showing when you interact with her in any given moment.

From when I learned about her affair up until the weekend before last, I was simmering with rage. I gave a her really hard angry stares when she went out to om and I did once yell at her and call her a selfish ****. The next time I saw her, I said I didn't want her in the house when I was back for the weekend and that I would only come back every other weekend. Since then, I haven't seen her - actually no, that isn't quite true, we ignored each other outside the train station quite early on after the separation - and contact by text, email or phone is minimal and focused on the logistics of the children.

No, I don't reply straight away. I am learning to be patient. In fact I often wait a few days. I've never really had boundaries. The only one I brought up was the when she brought home some sexually explicit birthday cards, valentines card and a sex bond from om. I said If I ever saw them or anything like them in the house again I would destroy them.she wasn't best pleased about that but I said it was utterly disrespectful and she removed them. Mind you, they might be back now, hidden somewhere seeing as she lost her job: or they may be at om's house.

What is the best situation? It's the one where S12 has a great birthday. I said I was willing to join them to try and make it more of a family occasion. I feel as though I can do that now. I will concentrate on my boys and just be civil with her: she doesn't deserve anything more.

I have been trying to get him to think of something to do, but I guess a day trip would be quite a strain so in that sense she is right. What I didn't want was to be shunted off to the next day.

I hope this goes some way to explaining my thinking. I'm not sure what I'm thinking or what's a dumb idea sometimes. That's why we're here.

And Lisa, I am already grateful to some extent for this terrible episode. I would never have learnt so much about me or relationships without it. A work colleague has just got married and another one is going to soon - I'm going to the reception - and I want to give them 5LL or HNHN. I think they, or similar should be mandatory for couples.