Dazed and Confused (2)

[Archer1]

Original - Dazed and Confused

I want her out of the house because I think that's the only thing at this point that's going to shock her into some reality.

It might - but I dont think that is a good reason.
More than likely she will just get angry and spew.

You can't manipulate her out of this IMHO.

Are you ready with your flack jacket?


Also start a new thread please.

So I guess I don't know why I want her out of the house. I think it would be easier for me to detach further and I wouldn't be allowing her to cake eat at all. I still take care of her 2 dogs since she works a lot farther away than I do and I'm pretty sure the OM is definitely still in the picture (even if it is a LDR).

Also, I'm getting sick of the roommate feeling. I don't want to be a roommate with my W.

So.... do I just ride it out and let her decide on her own what to do? Don't ask her anything about her moving out? I feel like I'm either still half asleep this morning or just not understanding you.

[Matt777]

Original - Dazed and Confused

I want her out of the house because I think that's the only thing at this point that's going to shock her into some reality.

It might - but I dont think that is a good reason.
More than likely she will just get angry and spew.

You can't manipulate her out of this IMHO.

Are you ready with your flack jacket?


Also start a new thread please.

So I guess I don't know why I want her out of the house. I think it would be easier for me to detach further and I wouldn't be allowing her to cake eat at all. I still take care of her 2 dogs since she works a lot farther away than I do and I'm pretty sure the OM is definitely still in the picture (even if it is a LDR).

Also, I'm getting sick of the roommate feeling. I don't want to be a roommate with my W.

So.... do I just ride it out and let her decide on her own what to do? Don't ask her anything about her moving out? I feel like I'm either still half asleep this morning or just not understanding you.

i think our point is that you need to set some kind of goal. Don't kick her out just to get even or to get her to wake up or anything like that. Your actions should be focused on YOU. You can't control her or her reactions. What you can control are your boundaries and your growth.

So you need to decide how to best handle this situation to get you toward your goals. If it's too difficult to detach, to difficult to GAL, to difficult to prevent backsliding, etc, thren go for it. But your decisions should be based on YOU, not on how you think/hope/expect her to react.

[Cadet]

I am going to point you back a few posts to this

You dont want to be in a relationship with her while she is in a relationship with someone else.

That is when saying the above might mean something.

Should I say this to her? Should I tell her I don't want to be in a relationship with her while she is in a relationship with someone else?

I understand what you're saying, but I don't at the same time.

Not right now,
is she asking to stay with you?

That is when you would say it.

If she is staying I think that you need a boundary.

She probably does need to go, and there are others that would be more hard line about it.
If you dont care about reconciling or divorcing then throw her out.

[Archer1]

W emailed me something about picking up the dogs from the vet yesterday. I kept it short but then she kept emailing back. I let her know I would not be home when she got home and she said alright. She asked if I'd be able to run home to take care of the dogs and I said I could. I then told her I would be out tomorrow (today) as well. She asked what I was doing and I told her I was going to go meet a group and listen to some live Jazz. She asked if she could go and I told her she can if she wants to. She ended her email saying she's still planning on being out of the house within a couple weeks. That she thinks she has something lined up. I replied with "ok".

So last night I went to a movie by myself and stayed out until I knew she'd be in bed. It was nice not having to deal with any awkwardness at home.

I've got plans for Saturday and Sunday and bought concert tickets for next Thursday! I've never been one to go out and do things on my own, so this is a huge 180 for me. I'm having to force myself to actually go to these things though... and I want so badly to invite my W to go along but I know that's not the right thing to do right now.

[Archer1]

Question:

Sandi's rule #14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

So I've made plans for this weekend... is it alright for me to invite W along or would this be perceived as pursuing? I'm going to do the things with or without her, but was just wondering about inviting her along.

Thanks.

[Archer1]

Well everyone, I think I screwed the pooch today...

Was texting with W about her getting off my cell phone plan and car insurance and everything was good.

Then I had to go and say "I just want to say that my stance still hasn't changed."

She replied with, "I don't think it's a good idea to go on. None of this is your fault, I'm the one that screwed it all up, and it's not fair for you. I just know I'll keep hurting you and things won't get better and I won't change. I'm sorry."

I replied with "ok"

I realize that this doesn't really change anything, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know what to do and I'm currently loosing it...

any help, wise words, smacks in the face... anything may help right now.

[Matt777]

It's not really a big deal, in my opinion. Pick yourself up get back to DBing. Learn from your mistake.

But I also don't think you should have expected any different response from her. You already knew she didn't want to stay M. What has happened since then that would have led to her changing her mind? I'm guessing not much.

So relax. Dust yourself off. Get back on your horse.

[Archer1]

I just got this text:

I've started looking to move out of Georgia. I'm thinking seattle and surf on ryan's (her gay long time friend) couch until i can figure stuff out. I think I'll be out in about 3-6 months.


It's over folks.


What do I even do with that!?!?

[Wonka]

Archer,

Ouch!

You can say simply:

I am sorry to hear this. I do hope you can find happiness some day.

She is looking for happiness externally without realizing that it is all internal. She's on a journey so set her free.
That doesn't necessarily mean your DBing is all over now after all it is for YOU. No?

Stay strong, buddy.

[Matt777]

[censored], Archer.

But it's not over until you decide it's over. 3 to 6 months (sounds a little arbitrary) is a long time. And who's to say she doesn't move there and then turn around a month later.

You can give up any time. Hell you can file if you want. But either way, you'll have to go through the same growing process for you. I'm planning to go through it maintaining hope for my marriage until I'm ready to move on.

I do like Wonka's text.