Over the weekend I was thinking .. about my sitch, about the invaluable tools I have learned here and somewhere in between my GAL activities of washing dishes and cooking ( hahaha ) I thought about all the money this place could make..
uR's collectable fur covered 2x4's Starskys Spew Jackets (Various sizes and thicknesses) STFU Smoothies 2.0 Operating software GAL handouts mleighs fireman calendars and corona party sets. Gb dance moves
I know we could add to this and go on and on ... and fund a group GAL meet n greet ... I really should be in marketing
Ok time for an update .. been busy this morning at work.
Things have been a bit .. 'off' is not quite the word, just strange I guess. The push pull dance continues with W, no R talks much at all and as much as I want to stop this and just say ... "Ok are we working on this .. or just continuing limbo for another year?" I know better, she is sorting things out for her ... nothing to do with me or the R, seems that everlasting quest for 'happiness' is continuing as well as the somewhat selfish behavior ... for the most part I have done well in accepting she is still figuring out who she is, who she will become and I have this little voice constantly going off in my head "This is not about you" so that has helped me remain at peace.
Last week she spewed that I was smothering her .. this weekend I was asked why I was so distant ... both times I did not really respond as I felt these were not invites to actuallt discuss 'us' more just her expressing how she felt at that particular time .. knowing I can not win either way so no need to try to 'fix' any of it. STFU smooties have been flying off the shelves as of late.
Other news ... Good MLC stuff, so W seems to be convinced she is getting laid off, she is actually looking forward to it as she thinks she will just draw unemployment, pursue her photography, jump onto my medical insurance ... leaving corporate and all that .. just doing her own thing, maybe part time work, even talked about under the table type jobs ... Ummm yeah.
So over the years I have ALWAYS supported her photography ... I thought she should do more, she would always have an excuse, I need this camera body .. this lense .. well she has all this stuff, now its she needs this technical class, or that class, she has found these classes she likes and I have encouraged her. (I called her out nicely over the weekend on this .. she told me I was right) In a way she is GALing here and I think its great. However this newfound passion for her photography, and she still wants to go workout .. again .. all good .. It is just me and S for the most part over the weekend. Again, I am all for more time with S but now I feel like the babysitter while she is out trying to figure out herself and what she wants ... and none of this seems to have me nor S, our family in the equation. So I had to think about it a bit, I came here and read some ... and realized I am at that point where I have been at this almost 2 years and want to rush it along .. but I can't ... thankfully I have STFU about all this, encouraged W to go shoot, walk with a GF of hers she has not talked to ... just being supportive and not adding any pressure. Its better than her running away somewhere with OM, but it is still a long way from figuring out 'us'
So the Retroville is in 3 weeks and I am thinking .. maybe thats to soon, maybe to much pressure for her, she might not be ready. This was not my idea but I can see how there will most likely be some fallout after.
Saturday we met up at the optical place to try to get my glasses (a WHOLE other MLC story on that later) Then I took S while she went to a Dr appt, she came over just before church, then we had dinner, watched a movie at my place and it was enjoyable. Got a little glimpse of old W there .... Sunday was more of a glimpse of new W, all about her doing her thing as I took S fishing, told her we would be done at noon so she could spend time with him, she ended up walking with her friend and did not get S till around 4. I let it go .. took S with me to Football practice ... I still and keeping my GAL's ... she did half heartedly invite me over a couple times but I thought it best to stay home and do things I needed to do.
She did TM that night about a Family Camp out at the city park in August ... its nuts, I see the new W who is basically living a single life and all about her, then the old W seems to want family and to make sure I am still 'there' where she put me.
Anyways .. thats about where I am at the moment ... things should be interesting with this job thing of hers. Time will tell.
Cali, You wife is really trying to figure out where she belongs. She wants her freedom and yet, she wants her family and the activities that go along w/it. She's growing into her new skin and it's going to take some time before she truly settles down
Continue to give her the space she requires. Treat her as a friend and if your friend wants to do things w/you then that's okay if you are okay w/it.
Bottom line, you've gotta dig deeper for more patience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Cali, You wife is really trying to figure out where she belongs. She wants her freedom and yet, she wants her family and the activities that go along w/it. She's growing into her new skin and it's going to take some time before she truly settles down
Continue to give her the space she requires. Treat her as a friend and if your friend wants to do things w/you then that's okay if you are okay w/it. Bottom line, you've gotta dig deeper for more patience.
job
Yeah thats about the solution I came up with. I am just living my life as it has been the past year, if she would like to be a part of it great, if not that's all good too. Its so strange to see someone who you have known for so long trying to blend into someone who you have never met in your life.
But giving into this makes me feel like its limbo, not a great feeling as I find myself still alone, and that has started bothering me as of late. Not that I NEED her nor anyone .... I would say I miss feeling close to someone, but its been so long I can not even recall what that feels like.
Just where I am, I have accepted this will take time, and the more I let it run its course the better.
Hi Cali, I have heard wonderful things about Retroville from a number of different sources. But I understand your hesitation that it may be doing this too quickly.
So do you think your W is committed to you, your family, or the marriage? I know that there can be divided motivations for people in making their choices, but she did voluntarily agree to go with you, right?
Hi sweetie. Back in the day on here we used to talk about an MLC store..filled with patience shovels and cell phone clothes (long story). I like your additions.
So, this stuff succcks. It's hard and frustrating and downright confusing. That's the bad news.
The good news is that you are doing great. Really.
You have chosen a tough road. I know it feels like you have no power here. The truth is that you have a great deal of it. You can get off the road at any time. But the real power is that you are in control of you. And thats really the only person or thing you can control.
Here's what was one of the most important things to me when I went through this. I wanted to be able to say that I honored my marriage, my vows and the father of my child. I did this by knowing that I tried as hard as I could to save my marriage. I wanted to be able to tell my son if he asked...and he did, that I did all I could. That mattered to me..and to him.
I knew I could quit at any time. I knew that I was being true to who I was.
I also knew that I could not do it at the expense of me. I mattered, too.
You just keep going until you cant. The hope is that your marriage will be saved if its meant to be. But whether it is or not, Luke...just know that you have become who you were meant to be and thats pretty freakin amazing.
Quick comment about the power thing. Reading Ur's comment about having the power made me think of you as a Samurai..maybe a little more hair A Samurai was a very powerful soldier and very disciplined and committed to the task. A real Samurai knew he had the power but also knew that real power was knowing you could devastate your enemy...and choosing his path over his immediate feelings. i.e. keeping his eyes on the goal.
Keep going until you can't and then a few more steps after that. You know, to be sure
I agree with Job - your W is trying to blend all kinds of 'pieces' of her life. I think you're right - it's not about you and it's normal to feel left out or in limbo.
You're not left out. She just isn't done baking and figuring herself out, amigo.
Bonzai!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Oh man, did I need that laugh with your list of items! We could have a Wal-Mart size store with what it takes to walk our walk.
It's not easy, what we deal with, but you inspire me so much. STFU is all I think these days and my main focus with my interaction with H. You have been a great example for that.
I agree with all above. Your wife seems to still be very confused about who she is and what she wants. I would keep doing exactly as you have been the last couple of years, focusing on you and S and GAL. She still needs her time and space, she is still cooking. You have come this far, and have actually been enjoying your life lately, right? Just keep on livin' Cali style. If she wants to join, then great. Keep expectations low and all that good stuff.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Hi Cali, I have heard wonderful things about Retroville from a number of different sources. But I understand your hesitation that it may be doing this too quickly.
So do you think your W is committed to you, your family, or the marriage? I know that there can be divided motivations for people in making their choices, but she did voluntarily agree to go with you, right?
I just see her trying to patch all sorts of things into those empty holes I guess. So that's where the reservations are coming from ... the past few weeks I have not seen her dive all in ... with the wisdom of this board I get why ... she is still tangled up spaghetti and she can not really focus on one thing ... let alone commit to M.
Thats the thing .. I am not sure if she is commited .. I do feel the A is over and OM is long gone. But she is still trying to sort herself out hence why I am cautious about that weekend.
But as you said it was more her pushing for this than it was me, so time will tell.
Hi sweetie. Back in the day on here we used to talk about an MLC store..filled with patience shovels and cell phone clothes (long story). I like your additions.
So, this stuff succcks. It's hard and frustrating and downright confusing. That's the bad news.
The good news is that you are doing great. Really.
You have chosen a tough road. I know it feels like you have no power here. The truth is that you have a great deal of it. You can get off the road at any time. But the real power is that you are in control of you. And thats really the only person or thing you can control.
Here's what was one of the most important things to me when I went through this. I wanted to be able to say that I honored my marriage, my vows and the father of my child. I did this by knowing that I tried as hard as I could to save my marriage. I wanted to be able to tell my son if he asked...and he did, that I did all I could. That mattered to me..and to him.
I knew I could quit at any time. I knew that I was being true to who I was.
I also knew that I could not do it at the expense of me. I mattered, too.
You just keep going until you cant. The hope is that your marriage will be saved if its meant to be. But whether it is or not, Luke...just know that you have become who you were meant to be and thats pretty freakin amazing.
Oh I get that I do have the power, I have allowed myself to think about how much easier it is to cut ties, drop rope and focus on just me and S .... this is the harder road, the one where I am not sure where it all ends... the one that I know I will have to make a choice if W2.0 and Cali2.0 are even compatable, knowing I have invested all this time and could easily consider it a waste .... but thats not the real truth.
The real truth is I needed this journey maybe more than W needed hers. I realize I have the benefit of seeing WHY I had to go through this ... W not so lucky
Its just such a long process, I still have a long way to go. I realized yesterday I become less patient and more ... antsy ... when my GALs are not in full swing .. and the past month they have'nt been. Thank goodness Football just started up.
A Samurai was a very powerful soldier and very disciplined and committed to the task. A real Samurai knew he had the power but also knew that real power was knowing you could devastate your enemy...and choosing his path over his immediate feelings. i.e. keeping his eyes on the goal.