Ripken - WW filed for divorce and I'm moved out #4

[Fogg]

I do admit that the more I or anyone interacts with other, the closer it CAN get towards that, but doesn't have to.

Again, while I'm not advocating relationships or sex, why couldn't these interactions be useful in helping me with PMA, detaching and being upbeat around ww?

I understand what you and Vapo were trying to get at, and it does make sense. The problem with using those interactions with woman as a GAL activity is that they are filling an emotional need of yours. You say it doesn't have to go too far and maybe it wont. However, once you begin taking those baby steps to that good feeling each next step is easier and easier.

This is exactly what happens with our WW's. Emotional need not met, find someone who meets it. Justify baby steps because they make you "feel good and nothing wrong with it". Before you know it you're in a place doing things you never expected. Its easy to justify any action when deep down it makes you feel good. I believe all of us are capable of much more than we realize when we are faced with pain and unmet needs. Its just human nature.

The holding on and how long is a question each person needs to ask. For me I know I'm not ready for a new relationship and might not be for years. So I question my true motives, am I just in pain and want it to be over? For me that would be the wrong reason to move on.

You admit you aren't ready for a new relationship, so why try to close this door right now? You can still move forward with your life without starting a new relationship or . What motive is there for moving on fully unless its just about detaching and not hurting anymore.

Detaching is letting someone live the way they want without it effecting/controlling you. Moving on/letting go fully of someone because you feel its holding back your detachment is backwards. We detach to be able to not let those feelings control us, but that's exactly what you would be doing.

I understand what you were saying about detachment and hope, but don't confuse detaching and holding onto love. You can be detached and still love, still have hope. Its just a very difficult process that takes time, and we may never be fully detached, which is fine. The point is to be able to manage your emotions in a healthy way.

[Ripken8]

Fogg - that makes sense and that's the problem I seem to be having. I get smacked on the head with 2x4's because people on here will tell me (rightfully so) that she doesn't give a rat's ass about me right now and will be selfish and do things for her. She may never come back and her actions AND words are showing that to be more true.

I am separated and for the first time in years I am starting to feel happy with myself, by myself and away from ww. There are still triggers, setbacks and things I'm working on.

However (and this is what I was afraid of 2-3 months ago), the longer I am away, GAL and working on me, the more I wonder how long I should hold on for. What's the point and is the ROI I would potentially have with her AND potential risk greater than what I may find moving on and being by myself until I'm ready for that?

At this point I don't know, but am starting to question it more every day. Interestingly enough - the thought of being divorced from her no longer feels life ending. It feels like I will be more than ok, no matter what happens.

Progress.

[Defacto]

Rip,
Your progress has been awesome, especially in such a short amount of time.

I'm with you, where sometimes I invest so much time and thought in the DB strategies that I don't stop to ask myself if I even really want WW back. I think it's perfectly ok to ask that question. Matter of fact, I even would second guess a LBS who hasn't asked themselves that question. What is the best possible scenario for Ripken or Defacto? I don't know yet. I think I know but I'm not exactly sure right now.

However, I don't know if there's an answer we will find wrapped up in a bow. Ultimately, I think we'll just know, or maybe it's just a hunch, when we've reached our breaking point.

[Ripken8]

Thanks Defacto - that question I've started to almost ask daily and unfortunately, where it used to be 100% "of course, we can overcome anything in our marriage and I want the chance to try", now it's starting to wane.

I do agree. I think we (and others) will just know - all in good time.

Good luck to you and your sitch. I admire all the work you've done as well!

[Fogg]

I'm with you, where sometimes I invest so much time and thought in the DB strategies that I don't stop to ask myself if I even really want WW back. I think it's perfectly ok to ask that question.

I can see what your saying here, but not sure I completely agree. Yes, we all have those times when we question if this is the person we want to be with or not and I think that's fine. I guess what I don't agree with is using that as a basis for giving up or not right now.

What our WAS/WW's are doing right now certainly makes us not want to be with them. No one likes this behavior or wants it in a spouse, but the possibility for change is there just as it was for us.

That being said, in most of our cases our S had the same feelings about us. They had unmet needs, unhappy in the M and didn't FEEL like being with us anymore. Basically, they seen us a person they wanted to move on from and leave no doors open. The possibilities for walking away and finding someone better is higher than standing and doing hard work they might not want to do.

To me, it just seems more like the whole "grass is greener" argument. I understand at some point we do make the decision to move on because it would be unhealthy at some point to not move forward, but I feel we all try to make it way to soon and push the thought into our heads. When we begin to FEEL positive about ourselves and our changes and FEEL negative about who our WAS/WS's are, just seems like a bad time to force that question.

That's why I feel the most important thing we can do is to just keep moving forward with our lives. One day when we are capable of having a healthy relationship with another person, and that opportunity presents itself, then that door naturally closes. No reason to make a decision to close it now.

[Fogg]

Interestingly enough - the thought of being divorced from her no longer feels life ending. It feels like I will be more than ok, no matter what happens.

Progress.

I think this is also very important, it is major progress. Once we accept either outcome will lead to us being OK, we can let things play out without forcing anything one way or another.

[Ripken8]

Thanks fogg. I guess where I am is not closing the door today or setting a timetable on when. The fact that I've even accepted that door COULD close for ME is a major turning point.

Throughout the DB process, there was never a chance it could ever close for me. And when I thought more about it, after taking care of myself, GAL and learning to appreciate the catch I am, I started to realize my own self-worth and value.

There will be a time where if nothing changes, I will move on, not just move forward. When that time is, I have no idea.

But the fact that I'm more than ok with that is a huge change.

[HeavyD]

I agree

[Matt777]

For me, I likened it to seeing Alaska. I know it's out there somewhere, but I can't see it from my house. If I start walking that way, I'll eventually see it, but I don't need to worry about that.

I've accepted that there may be a day when I'm ready to move on with my life without my W. Today Me has no idea on Earth I'll be able to do that. But I know that as I live my life day by day, I will eventually reach that point.

Lots of heavy stuff on the boards today.

[Kramer]

I agree with you as well. Although it appears that my WW is back, I had come to the realization that I would be fine either way. Only you can decide how long is appropriate to wait. Don't be surprised if she noticed it when you do, though.