Ripken - WW filed for divorce and I'm moved out #4

[Vapo]

I know dude... I truly do... And I am not on your case breaking your jewels... Expectations are wrong, but hope is not. There is hope as long there is love in your heart. I know that feelings of love fade esp. in light what the spouse is doing at the moment. And getting ego boosts is addicting behaviour by itself. That's what your W is doing. Hooked on the happy drug. And she is always on the lookout for the next fix. The problem is, that she needs to have a higher dosage every time, just to get the same feeling back and that is a loosing game.

I think of it like this. Would I like to be responsible for someone's feelings if they would get attached to me while I still am not healed? Would I be able to look them in the eyes and say sorry babe, you were just a fling, a band aid, just something to tie me over? Nope.

Until I finish my journey, I am standing. But there will be a point when I will stand no more. I am not there yet. Remember, as long as there is love in your heart, there is hope...

Hang in there buddy... I know where you are speaking from, I really do...

[Vapo]

And do differntiate between hope and expectations. It is vital you get this.

[Ripken8]

“Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.”

That is where expectations are formed. I believe/expect tomorrow will be better. Than when it's not, I get disappointed. There CAN be a difference, but it's razor thin, IMO.

As far as someone's feelings - I'm up front with people. I let them know I'm not ready to be in a relationship, but enjoy time getting to know new people and share common interests.

I'm not hooked or looking for fixes, but also not trying to be isolated working on me and not GAL.

[Ripken8]

"There is hope as long there is love in your heart. I know that feelings of love fade esp. in light what the spouse is doing at the moment."

This is also what I struggle with. I love my wife and still want my marriage or a chance to work on it together and see where we go from there.

However, it's damn tough to fully move forward and let go, if I'm holding onto that love because it gives me hope. It sounds contradictory.

The longer I do (hold onto the love/hope) the more I question if I'm inflicting more pain onto myself but not fully moving on now.

That's the question I know only I can answer - how long is too long?

[Vapo]

Come one dude, we are all adults here. Don't you think I wouldn't like to spend a hot and passionate night with a gorgeous woman?

But that would be a band aid for a broken leg. That would be a temporary fix.

Let me try to explain the difference between hope and expectations.

When you attach expectations to anything, and it does not pan out, you are hurt. You cry to god why me? I have done everything right, why me??? YOu are not on your timeline, you are on god's.

Surely you know the statistics that even more second marriages fail than the first ones. That is because people move on too quickly, thinking the other person will make them happy. NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY... ONLY YOU CAN...

Food for thought...

[Ripken8]

I think you're missing my point Vapo. I'm not lying to anyone, especially myself.

For me, there's a difference between spending time with several people, sharing common interests and having sex or getting physical with them. I'm not ready for that and not doing that.

I do admit that the more I or anyone interacts with other, the closer it CAN get towards that, but doesn't have to.

I'm not trying to defend getting physical with someone, just being able to have going to a movie with someone or sporting event or even dinner be a GAL activity.

I also realize I am responsible for my happiness. However, anybody's (including me) self esteem goes up when they realize there are other people taken an interest in them.

THAT boost also helps in my interactions with ww to have a more positive and upbeat attitude around them. Everyone talks about going dark being that you should be busy/mysterious and essentially have them wonder if you've moved on.

Again, while I'm not advocating relationships or sex, why couldn't these interactions be useful in helping me with PMA, detaching and being upbeat around ww?

[Vapo]

Thumbs up dude. You are right, nothing wrong with catching a flick or galing with someone.

Best of luck to you buddy... We are on the same page here...

[Ripken8]

Thanks, Vapo. Sometimes it's hard to articulate what you're trying to say.

I appreciate the feedback and advice. I felt happy about my progress and this weekend. Just this morning was a trigger and reminder of where I still am and the continued work I have to do.

All the more reason why I'm not moving into a relationship or getting physical with anyone. Not ready for it.

[Matt777]

Just this morning was a trigger and reminder of where I still am and the continued work I have to do.

Don't these things always seem to pop up right as we think we're starting to feel ok?

[Defacto]

Rip,
I think I traveled down the rabbit hole this morning on the detachment discussion over on my thread. I have wondered if it is really possible to completely detach, like having absolutely no physical, emotional, or mental response to WW. Obviously, that's not a question for you or I because we still have so much more work to do.

I am pleased to hear you had a good weekend, my friend.