I'm glad you went really really dark, it really does help when your in that really dark deep hole.
Let's hope things continue in the postaive light for your own life for the near future and you will be suprised how fast things will change. Once they start things can happen faster than you will know.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
But the urge to just write something is so strong. It's quite likely I will never see them again. They live the other side of the country, don't travel anywhere (never have done) and ww has left me behind whenever she takes the kids now. I've just wished FIL a happy birthday that's all.
RAI I'm glad to hear of your own detachment.
The jealousy thing. I'm not jealous of who he is. You're right, what man of integrity moves in on another's wife. She will have given him the 'all clear' but he's still a scumbag. I am jealous of the fact that he now has full access to my wife. That is still hard to bear.
Yes, where is that article by MWD? I struggle with what to tell them every time. So far, I haven't said anything.
Thanks for posting. Today is the anniversary of bomb day and so far I'm holding up.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Hi OD, yesterday I had noticed that today was the bombiversary so I wanted to be sure and stop by today. You do seem to have moved a little further down the path lately, keep on going OD!
My BD #1 was on my 15th wedding anniversary. It hurts. I really sympathize.
"I am jealous of the fact that he now has full access to my wife." First, she is not really your wife - i.e. the woman you married - she is a completely different person (think alien abduction!). Second, do you still really want full access to your W the way she is treating you? Would you accept her back the way she is treating you right now? I certainly hope not. Your ego wants her back - I totally get that - because we want to control what WW is doing. And your memory wants her back because you long for your old W.
Also, you are assuming they are happy together. WW and OM are very broken people inside. What they have is an illusion. all smoke and mirrors. There is still nothing about which to be jealous. I get it, though - easier said than done. That is why we both need to detach. Day by day.
Hi SunnyB. Thank you that's very thoughtful of you.
RAI. I know what you're saying and you're right. I don't want the person who can act like this and treat me this way. I do want my old wife back. The one I could talk to and discuss things with. The one who said we should never go to bed with things left unsaid. I know I was always the one who would leave things unsaid, I like to think I'd be better at that now. I know I could do a much better job at being a husband now. It hurts not to be given the chance.
I've no idea if they are happy. Judging by the cards she got on her birthday/valentine's day, he is. For a couple of months after bomb day, she would sit by herself deep in thought but then I think she got a grip and started her own GAL strategy which now includes om. So I don't actually think she is unhappy.
There are other pressures now such as losing her job, our tenants moving out so we have to sell our house and looking after the kids single handed. There's not much different here though as I've been working away from home for three years and she's got used to it. And this, in my opinion is one of the major factors in this and why I don't think she will consider reconciliation.
So, what can I do? I can work being the best I can be. And that's a long road.
I'll pop over to your thread shortly RAI. I'm stealing a little work time now.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Hi OD. Can I just say you seem to have come to realise what it's all about It was said to me by MrBond that our changes are for us because WAS had already made their mind up it was finished. Your W proberbly tried for years before given up
You have to be the best you can be for you first and foremost and then , maybe it might help a new R with W or someone else
It's great to read where you are now compared to a couple of weeks ago
Day by day mate. You will get there. Take care. Rd
Have you read the thread by etaoin in the Surviving Infidelity bulletin board? You should. It is quite triggery, just warning you.
According to Etaoin, a WH, The WS knows what they have done. If they don't understand the destruction they are causing, they eventually will. They have to live with the guilt and have to live a facade every day. Every day, they expend a great deal of energy building a narrative that supports their actions. So I ask again: How can someone like that be happy?
Happiness comes from a life lived well. AND YOU ARE DOING IT.
rd. Yes you and MrBond are right. One year ago was the cut off point and she made no bones about it being all over, nothing to be done, it is was it is. No chance of going to marriage counselling.
We had been to Relate (MC) a few years ago but it didn't work as it wasn't action orientated, just a talking shop. She even wheeled out something that I apparently said once "you won't change me" which of course is true, we can only change each other but she used this as part of her excuse that I wasn't able or willing to change. I tried to say I didn't know how, but of course it's 'too little, too late'.
I think she tried half heartedly after Relate but I'm beginning to think maybe she has had this in the back of her mind for years as om is her ex boss from a previous job. As I mentioned, to my mind the killer was me taking a two month contrast job away from home that turned into years. We didn't make enough effort to stay close and drifted apart.
RAI. I haven't really read much on the other boards. I'll have a look though. ww sent me a text, a couple of months ago, in response to me saying she didn't care how I feel, trying to tell me "I do care how you feel. Knowing I can't do anything to help it or alter it pains me in a way you undoubtedly wouldn't iamagine. And I will probably carry that with me indefinitely."
I didn't reply.
I'm sorry you were bomb out on your anniversary. That was very insensitive.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
My heart goes out to you because I know from my heart all what you mean. It's very hard to just let go of all what we have or tough we had.
Unfortunately, the longer we keep ourselves dependent on our old R that has came to an end, the worse it is for ourselves to grow into better persons and have a shot of some happiness with the WAS or not.
I think you got it all what you need to do to improve your life and maybe even have a new R with your W. The only thing left now is to deal with this every day.
I believe that the important factor now is to keep yourself busy, have some GAL to promote good PMA, take one day at a time. Like many others say to us, I now am a believer... it is a one day at a time deal.
You are doing great, growing and learning, things will get easier. And who knows what life has in storage for you? No one, we just know that you can be happier if you want to.
