Rip, How's your weekend going? It's probably going great since we haven't heard from you in a bit. Keep it up!
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Sorry - been Mia as I've been trying to gal. Weekend went great, best I've had in a long time. Tried hanging out with a friend fri but that fell through. Was disappointed but watched a movie I had wanted to see by myself and worked out. It was nice and I started to appreciate alone time.
Saturday took the Mensa test, a fun challenge for my brain. Then worked out, relaxed and went to a fun rooftop pool party. That was great. I saw some old friends and met many new ones.
Yesterday did some errands, worked out and met one of my new friends out for dinner last night. It was a really good weekend and rarely thought or worried about ww.
However, when she dropped off the boys this morning she continues to do so without getting out of the car and even without texting me. Pretty much it's dropping off at a regular time and then moving on. No interaction. Also the boys told me she introduced them to a bunch of her friends this weekend. People she never did while we were married.
So this morning I get triggered feeling like while I'm gal and doing ok, it feels like she could care less because no matter how dark I go, she's darker. And no matter how much I move forward in my life with or without her, she wants that and has already moved on.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Dude, the trick is to GAL for yourself not for her. No one ever said you would win her back for sure. But you have to sort you out and not always looking over the shoulder what she is doing... Frankly what ever she is doing is none of your business as long it isn't interfering with your life or the life of your kids. So let her go and let god.
And when you learn that you will be just fine by yourself, that's when growth begins and that's when wonderful things start happening...
So this morning I get triggered feeling like while I'm gal and doing ok, it feels like she could care less because no matter how dark I go, she's darker.
Three things:
1) I want to echo Vapo: you have to stop looking at what W is doing.
2) Don't compare your insides to W's outside. You don't know what she is feeling or why she is doing what she is doing. You are still mind-reading. (as you know I am no expert, but...) To effectively detach you will have to stop worrying about what your W is doing and move on. "it feels like she could care less" - To that I would say: you don't know if she cares, and you shouldn't care if she cares. DETACH.
3) I trigger a ton. I think that is normal. What has changed is how I respond when I trigger. I look back at some of my journal entries and see how reactive I was. Pretty scary!
Vapo/RAI - thanks. I get the detach aspect. The entire weekend I was detached. This morning, I was triggered. Set back, but I understand the process.
Where I'm struggling is trying to balance the detaching and moving on with my life with also staying the light house. Right now it seems easier to just write her off than GAL for me and pine for her in the background.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
You got it almost right: write her off. GAL. Stop pining for her in the background. If she comes back, she comes back. If you love someone, set them free. It's tough. Sorry.
I want to be more clear. When I'm getting a life, I'm meeting a lot of new people. It's amazing how many women take a ginuine interest in me and how easier it is to connect. As I'm moving on and letting her go, when do I consider dating/seeing anyone else? NOT a relationship. It's flattering and nice to get phone numbers and talk to others. I don;t even go into my marriage or things I talk about on her, just talk about me and common interests.
Everything I've seen says that you work on you and not to take that route. I'm not wanting or looking for a relationship, but it doesn't mean I wouldn't want to go on a date with someone or do other activities (sporting events, movies, etc) with them.
That's what I meant by pining. I can GAL for me to a certain extent, while she is already gone and with whoever she wants.
At times, I feel I have a leash and even when she doesn't want it, because of her and our marriage, I'm not fully free.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Dude, you have to decide if you stand or end the stand. Sure it is fun to date and to hookup, but how is that making you any different than your W. I would not recommend hooking up at least a year post BD. Think about it, you hurt and you just need some to take the hurt. It might mask it a bit, but a hurt still remains.
And do not try to be a lighthouse, first concentrate on just being. Be the best dad in the world, play with the kids, get down and dirty with them. Play with them as if you are one of them.
And it is pretty twofaced to pretend to be a lighthouse and date around at the same time. Don't you think?
That's EXACTLY what I'm asking about, Vapo. You say "GAL and detach. Don't worry about her". That only goes so far. I have been working on myself since BEFORE bomb drop, going on more than 6 months. Also, I'm not whoring around or looking for cheap hookups or serious relationships.
The problem with detaching is it seems impossible to have it both ways. If I detach and "be the lighthouse", I'm spending that time with expectations (that I shouldn't have) hoping that there is a CHANCE that it could make our relationship better down the road and that would be worth it to do so.
If I detach and "don't worry about her and GAL" I'm subject to meeting new people and having new connections. Getting self-esteem boosts from realizing there are people out there who like me for me. But, I don't act on any of that.
So, how do I do either, without feeling lonely or hurt or stuck? Detach and be the lighthouse with or without her OR detach, make connections and never act. Doesn't really seem that possible.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Also, in my sitch I have and continue to be the best dad possible. My interactions with my boys has NEVER been an issue or something I feel I need help with.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
