Just caught up with DB coach Chuck. He was asking about my shift in mood/attitude/outlook last weekend too. I decided it was a combination of factors: GAL, counselling, going super dark etc.
I started to talk about forgiving WW and gratitude for enabling me to learn more about myself, relationships and life and actually doing something about being the best I can be - a way to yet though.
This is what I learnt. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. If we are carrying resentment, it hinders our enjoyment of life. Forgiveness is a matter of self respect. I give up the right or opportunity to punish someone else, because ir adds no value to my life.
I will also be buying ...
Last edited by Cristy; 05/28/1506:35 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other books and/or authors
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
You sound so different then a few months ago. It's nice to see that you are encouraged to think about yourself and let your life improve.
You are reaching some detachment and it will help you to see other things around you that you were blind for.
You WW sounds like she still holds a lot of resentment and that is a no winning ticket right now. Best, is that you take this time and improve yourself and your life during the this time.
Regarding the kids, I understand the arrangement is done this way because you do not live very close, but if there is any way you can make a point that you want to be a present parent in their lives, I would.
My kids are suffering a lot because their dad does not care much. So, if you care, then your WW needs to understand and respect that, because it is important for the kids. Even if it is a hassle for her, she feels the inconvenience because of her choices, then be it.
It is not a hateful remark, the way I see it, it's just the consequences of a separation, and that is on her. If she really love her kids, then she will want them to have the father presence there.
Is there any way you can go to were they are sometimes, for a lunch or dinner, a movie? Is this every other weekend determined by the court? Because if it is not, then she needs to bend sometimes. You are just accommodating her life, and you do not need to make it any easy for her at all.
You can respect her decision but you can make your point of being a father.
That's good that you let go on that email. She sounds like she is trying to poke you with a short stick. She is probably waiting some reaction from you. Let her be, you are a different person now.
Be good for yourself OD, always let go the anger, remember that anger will give you lots of wrinkles and you will not look too good. So don't ever be angry and delay the wrinkles.
You are doing great, keep yourself steady and in the right path.
I think you are making great progress. Keep on rocking!
I hope you have a good weekend and wish you well.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I think I am, at last, reaching some sort of detachment. I am finding that when I think of my situation these days, I can pause, step back a bit and watch instead of spiralling out of control.
I still feel so sad and incredulous that ww wouldn't lift a finger to try and repair our marriage and I still feel insanely jealous of om (I will not give them the dignity of capitals).
I don't know if ww is holding any resentment. If I had to guess, I don't think she is. I think she has decided to 'move on' as she says and is determined to do so come what may - and, as I'm out of sight, out of mind, I don't stand much chance of changing that.
Re my kids: yes, I now live four hours away. Of course I do care. I miss my whole family so much. At least ww said the kids need their father and she has no intention of replacing me as such. (Note to self - believe nothing of what they say.)
The every other weekend thing came about because I was so upset and full of rage because she started seeing om. I said I didn't want her in the house when I went back at the weekend. I changed it to every other one so she could have a weekend with them and I could have a weekend free to do whatever I liked. We have a very loose arrangement with regard to everything to the moment.
You can respect her decision but you can make your point of being a father. - Actually, I do not respect her decision. She has made it without recourse to all the facts and she refused to listen to me when I tried to ask her to go to marriage counselling. She has her blinkers on and shows no sign of taking them off. It'll be one year since bomb day tomorrow.
I got a card with a note from my in-laws on my birthday expressing sorrow 'about the break up - it's the last thing any parents ever want to hear.'
I feel compelled to set the record straight because I know she will spouted her "we're in transition, we're still friends and we're co-parenting' bull. I just want to say, actually, this isn't my idea, it's not a joint decision: nothing judgmental just that. Is that a bad idea?
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
All of this is difficult, isn't it? One foot in front of another..one day at a time.
As for your ILs card, zip it. Continue to taking the high road will get you very far. Yes, it is hard on them as well and I am sure they're feeling confused by all of this.
If they ever bring it up in person or by phone, then you can say your piece such as "Yeah, I too am sad by all of this. I would prefer to stay married. Thanks for the kind words."
See? Short, simple and to the point. All of that is done without stirring things up or getting into all details.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Hello OD, I hope you follow Wonka's advice.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I think we are reaching the same place emotionally at the same time.
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I think I am, at last, reaching some sort of detachment. I am finding that when I think of my situation these days, I can pause, step back a bit and watch instead of spiralling out of control.
Ditto.
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I still feel so sad and incredulous that ww wouldn't lift a finger to try and repair our marriage
You can't control WW. They are free to make their own mistakes. Do you want to be married to someone who does not want to invest in marriage? What if you were dating someone who had no interest in commitment or marriage? Now it is no different.
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and I still feel insanely jealous of om (I will not give them the dignity of capitals).
Here is where we differ. Anyone who would do this to a family is a hollow empty individual. no integrity. What does his future hold? What is his legacy? Does he have anything of which to be proud? You do. You took the high road - that is something you can tell your grandchildren. Don't be jealous of someone like that. He has nothing on you.
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Actually, I do not respect her decision. She has made it without recourse to all the facts and she refused to listen to me when I tried to ask her to go to marriage counselling. She has her blinkers on and shows no sign of taking them off.
You don't have to respect her decision. I used to ask my WW how she could do this to the children. It is a very selfish act. But WW will never see it as such.
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I got a card with a note from my in-laws on my birthday expressing sorrow 'about the break up
At least your ILs aren't conspiring with your WW. My ILs support my Ws actions 100%. In fact, they are probably her biggest cheerleaders and enablers. I would have appreciated some sort of apology from them.
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I feel compelled to set the record straight because I know she will spouted her "we're in transition, we're still friends and we're co-parenting' bull. I just want to say, actually, this isn't my idea, it's not a joint decision: nothing judgmental just that. Is that a bad idea?
No. I think Wonka has some sort of script stating that D is not what we wanted. We can be civil but we are not going to be friends after D. Not sure where I saw it. Sorry. Furthermore, you are not obligated to say this was your idea. MWD wrote the following:
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However, there is a consensus among professionals about a particular piece of advice with which I vehemently disagree. It goes like this- When breaking the news to the kids, parents should always present a united front. Regardless of the reasons for the divorce, parents are instructed to say that it is a decision made by both of them. Really? The truth is that most divorces in our country are unilateral decisions- one person wants out and the other desperately wants to keep the marriage and family together. In the rare situation where both partners are equally motivated to end their marriage, a united front makes sense. But when two parents are at odds about the viability of their relationship and tell the children that it is a mutual decision, it is a flat-out lie.
I have the rest of the article if you are interested.
