We know the conversation happened some time ago. But you said this today: "I'm hoping that what I told her that I learned maybe sunk in just a touch."
And this: "So, she obviously has some perception about what divorce will look like that just does not match what legal reality will be."
It's statements like this that concern me. You're so wrapped up in her thoughts and perceptions that I think you're missing what we're saying. Your focus should be on YOU.
Ok .. caught up a bit .. your threads go fast my man.
So I do not want you to feel 'beat up' ... though I might wanna smack you around a bit I would never actually do it. I think you understand the advice you are getting but there is a disconnect as 'your sitch is different' .... but its not all that different.
My sitch .. different from yours, as all sitches have their little quirks here and there, the LBH was not 'there' ... emotionally 'detached' ... checked out ... all that .. I have heard it .. can even throw in I was always angry, never listened, used her, the list is a long one ... and its just that .. a list.
Are there truths in it? Sure... but all those things can be worked on. Your W may have looked into a L, maybe she has an idea of what things will look like financially. You are doing all these things .. new things .. 180's and it will take time for her to trust them ... I assure you 2 months its not going to make her say .. "Ok I was wrong, come home" ... not after years of her dealing with you and your ways. So that part of you I get ... doing these things now in the face of "To little to late"
The part you need to work on .. is rebuilding YOU. I think you are still not detached emotionally and that holds you back a bit from getting your swagger back and appearing like the better choice. The WW can smell it ... she knows she can have her cake and eat it ... heck she is not even having to work at it with you yet .. gets harder then when they pursue just to make sure we are on the hook.
Time to do the mirror work and get to the better you BE
I agree, you need to start detaching emotionally. I wish my H would come and do the things that you are doing for your wife. Just focus on yourself. Set some goals. Start with the small ones and work your way up to the big ones.
Cali and Hope. Thank you. And thank you everyone else. I'm working on the emotional detachment guys. It's going to take some time but I am working on it.
Ok guys. So here is the rundown from today. Successful day. PMA was much better today.
I did no contact initiation. She initiated all of it.
She did her dentist appt and her plans with her girlfriends fell through and got pushed to next week so she came home and stayed with D and I took S out for pizza and a hike. We had a great time.
Here are a couple of interesting behaviors from the W that occurred after she got home from dentist and before I went out with S:
Her mood was mostly pleasant. We had a brief discussion on where we were with money / bills. She told me she had a doctor's appt on Monday morning and asked if I could watch daughter. I said I would. I took the opportunity to ask if everything was ok (medically). She communicated with me on it and told me she had been having pain in the abdominal area. She didn't go into detail but said that it might require minor surgery. I told her that that concerned me and if she felt comfortable to please keep me informed and if she does have to have surgery to let me know and I will take her: She was receptive to all of that. So that was a bit of an opening up and a conversation.
Second was an interesting one because of some of the discussions we've had here today about my sitch and my W needing to realize what life without me would be like.
She said to me before I left with S that "We don't need to talk about this now but I'd like to maybe come up with a set schedule for when you see the kids. It's been kind of wishy washy and I think it would be best for them".
So I say "Wishy washy? Actually it's been very consistent. I see them almost every day and that's what I would like to continue to do".
Here is the kicker that said to me that she may have had her first glimpse of reality. She says "Yes I know you are seeing them almost every day. But I'm not getting to spend any real time with them. I never get alone time with D because niece is here every day (she babysits our niece during the week as daycare) and I never get time alone with S because he is in school and then you are with them in the afternoons".
Here is my one mistake for the day. I said "Ok we can talk about it. Whatever you want to do while we are going through whatever it is we are going through right now" (shouldn't have said that.
So I take out S. And then I end up being a nice guy. I drop him home about 45 minutes early. W seems surprised. I pull her aside and tell her that I thought about what she said earlier and brought him home early so she could have some alone time with him since D was in bed.
She said "ok"....didn't show appreciation but I expected that.
Then I said goodnight an left.
Thoughts? I was very surprised at how she admitted that she wasn't getting to see the kids enough.
I'm glad you had some bonding time w/your son and your wife had some w/your daughter.
As for your wife's medical condition, I do hope it's not serious and will require surgery, but if it does, she may ask for your assistance...but if she doesn't, do run roughshod over her and tell her that you are going to do this or that. You offered to assist her today and that's good because it gives her the option as to whether or not she will want you to drive her back and forth, etc. With people in crisis, they react better when they are given the option of saying yes or not. Okay?
Now, let's talk about the visitation schedule. I see two ways of viewing a schedule being set up. 1) She wants more alone time w/her children (which could be valid); or 2) she wants a schedule so that you are not at the house as much, i.e., in her space. It could be a combination of both 1 and 2, but I am leaning towards the fact that you are over to the house entirely too much for her comfort and yes, she needs her space and time not only to enjoy the kids on her own, but to enjoy her home w/o you there a large majority of the time. In other words, she's GALing and wants more freedom to do so w/o your presence up front and center most of the time. I think a schedule would be good for both of you because it will give you time to do things for yourself and also help you to focus on what you need to do for yourself.
Now, I realize you aren't going to agree w/my comments...but this is exactly what we've been talking about for a couple of days about being available all of the time. It's almost like she's reading our minds about the amount of time you are spending over there doing the husbandly duties as well as being a dad. I think you need to listen to what she suggests and if it sounds reasonable, test drive it for a while and see if the schedule works. Don't shut her down w/o negotiating. Listen to what she has to say, show her that you are listening and not just ignoring her when it comes to setting up a schedule.
Choose your battles wisely and if she wants more time w/the kids on her own, I would give her the time and see how she handles it. Sometimes when they see you aren't going to fight them on things, they soon grow weary and turn things back over to us to take care of.
Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job. I won't fight her on it. When she brings it up again I will listen to her. And if it is reasonable I'll go with it and give it a test drive.
Those kids are her entire world. To me, I may have falsely interpreted this as her not liking the fact she is now having less and less time with them (possibly a glimpse into what her future may look like).
But that is just speculation on my part.
I won't fight her on it when the time comes. Scout's Honor
I feel like I am getting better each day with DBing and that is because of all of you. Like I am light years ahead of where I was a few weeks ago but still have light years to go.
