I'm having a really down day today. Positives are I went to work. I've exercised and I've eaten twice.
W told me yesterday she was probably taking the kids to the beach today after my son got home from school. Which bummed me out because I always see them Sunday through Thursday. Last night I just smiled and said ok let me know.
I didn't initiate any contact with her today at all.
She texted me about an hour ago to let me know that they were going to go to the beach and probably wouldn't be home until bath / bed time but she would let me know if that changed. She said otherwise she would see me tomorrow at 2:30 (she has a dentist appt tomorrow at 3).
I responded and let her know that I would like to see them today even if it were only briefly and thanked her for keeping me in the loop. I then let her know that my son and I had talked yesterday about needing some guy time. Just me and him. He loves to read and wants to just go to the library just he and I without his little sister. I made mention of this to my wife and said maybe she could come home after her dentist appt to watch our daughter so he and I could go and do that.
And I just left it at that.
As I am dipping my toes these first 3 days of really giving her space I'm just allowing her to lead the dance. Letting her dictate the pace and content of the contact.
I'm really, really down in the dumps today but I'm succeeding in not letting her know that in any way shape or form. In fact, I'm crying right now as I type this. But I knew this would be hard so I just have to keep working at getting stronger during my alone time. Keep consistent in my behaviors around her as far as keeping every interaction positive, being a great father and being helpful around my home without asking or seeking recognition and continuing to work my butt off to provide financial security.
I know that DBing is about us, not them. I'm understanding that now and I'm working hard to get there but I'm just not there yet. For right now, it is taking all the energy I have to stay positive around her and to leave the R talk be and give her space.
I hope deep inside that she has something in her that she is not revealing that has made her hesitant to go through with the D. I'm hoping that she is ultimately going to give us another chance. But it's out of my hands.
Ultimately I want to be a great father. And I want to be a great husband....but that is for her to decide if she wants that again.
Thank you to everyone for their continued support.
With my depressive nature this is very difficult for me to deal with from an emotional standpoint. I have upped my meds but it will take a few weeks for the increased doses to kick in.
We all have had the bad days .. the Meh days ... but you must know that even in the storm there are good days .. 'ok' days. Its a process.
I was there, I vividly recall waking up and looking out the window not wanting to get out of bed for some time, but I did get up, I got out and felt jsut a little better. The more I let go of things I could not control, I felt a little better. Sure there were days I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest ... times I broke down.
I read somewhere that when you suffer enough, change is inevitable ... so much truth in that, I know without all the pain I felt, went through, swallowed .. I would have never changed. I read a bunch of books, DR DB both .. amongst others, books that helped me, made me realize there are/were tons of guys out there like us .. we never asked for this .. but in a way we should have, as 'this' has made me into a better man, better father ... and who knows .. given the chance possibly a better husband.
Keep at the dim, I would suggest if she says she is taking the kids somewhere and will not get back .. put on your fake face and tell her to have a great time with the children, leave it there ... go do something .. I have shared once that W was late picking up S, I was decked out ... drove her nuts knowing I was waiting on her so I could go do my plans .. even got a TM saying "Hope she is worth it" ... I never said where I was going, nor with who ... truth is I got dressed up to grab a movie from redbox. lol.
I know you want to see your kids, but if she has em, let her take em .. go do SOMETHING and act as if it does not bother you ... the line " I then let her know that my son and I had talked yesterday about needing some guy time. Just me and him." ... small 2x4 .. I get it .. but its timing .. you replied to this after she let you know she was going to take them, you should have expressed this before that ... but given the fact you are a chronic pursuer .. this comes off a little in the chasing/needy category. Just my perspective
I know you want your kids, I get that ... I am the same way. Truth be told S LOVES to be with me, I am fun, W is often checked out ... I do not pursue this, I actually had to at times limit her using me as the babysitter. Sure I want S as much as I can have him .. but think big picture here... I am fighting for my M and family .. for the chance to wake up everyday with S and W, she has to know what life without you might be like ... because right now, she knows she could have you back in a second ... so why would she change her mind, not check out snd see whats out there since there is no risk in losing you? Sometimes you have to drop rope and do your thing, really do it for them to realize they might just actually want you too.
I am so proud of you for recognizing your part in the marriage. My H admitted to everything but he does not show remorse for his behavior. But you do and you are taking the necessary steps to win your W back and earn her trust. If you stick with your changes, I believe you will succeed. And if you don't, then it is her loss.
Thanks Cali. I'm feeling better now. I appreciate the feedback on the text interaction. I'm still learning the ropes but am much better than I was even just a week ago.
That last bit by Cali is what I worry about for you right now. You're watching the kids so she can read on the beach or go to the dentist? And you're mowing the lawn and cleaning her house? Why WOULDNT she string you along for months with that kind of service.
I get it. The kids are important. You want/need to see them and you and they deserve that. But I really think you need to start making yourself more unavailable somehow.
I agree w/CaliGuy's posting because it is spot on. You have to give a little in order to get something bigger in return. I get it that you want to see your children, but there are going to be times when you are going to have to let things be. The kids have been out at the beach today, probably getting home late, need dinner, are tired and cranky, then bath time and then to bed. I think this was one of those days when you could have just wished them a fun time and told your wife you would see them tomorrow. As for the male bonding stuff w/your son...that might have been something you should have mentioned to your wife yesterday or even tomorrow when you visit w/the kids. It could have been something that you and your wife could have planned out for later in the week w/you doing the male bonding w/your son and your wife doing something w/your daughter.
There are going to be times when you need to drop the rope and allow things to just be.
Now, I'm going to also state that I agree w/Matt's posting. How is your wife ever going to miss you if you are there all of the time? She's got it made! She's got you coming over every week day to see the kids and while you are there, you are mowing the lawn, fixing things, etc. She's not going to miss you one bit w/you still there except for bed time. You've got to start taking the kids out, away from the home and do things w/them. You've got to leave the grass alone and allow her to get out there and mow it for a change. Really...how is she going to miss you if you are there, front and center all of the time?
BEClem, I know you love your kids, but you also have to have a life too. The only way that your wife is going to miss you is if you slowly cease doing all of those husbandly chores for her. She needs to learn to take care of herself for a change. Time to do some 180's and leave the home owner chores alone for a bit. Time for you to take back your life and allow her to live hers for a bit, which includes your wife doing things for herself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am so proud of you for recognizing your part in the marriage. My H admitted to everything but he does not show remorse for his behavior. But you do and you are taking the necessary steps to win your W back and earn her trust. If you stick with your changes, I believe you will succeed. And if you don't, then it is her loss.
Hope. Thank you so much. I was in such a fog for about 5 years. It was a combination of a lot of things that caused my depression. Some PTSD from my time in the Marine Corps (2001-2005), having to declare bankruptcy in 2008, Son being born in 2008, W and I and Son moving back to New Jersey in 2009 after W and I had been living out of state for 8 years, having to live with my parents (me wife and son) for 18 months, not being able to find a good job, finding a great job, finally moving into our own place again and then getting laid off 13 months later, daughter being born.....the list goes on and on. And my brief (and I mean like met her twice brief) EA was just another symptom of that fog.
It truly took realizing that I was going to loose my family for me to come out of it. I'm so sad and regretful because I became the complete opposite of who I was my entire life. As my wife said as recently as three days ago "She has ptsd from the last 5 years and I became someone she never imagined I could ever become".
I'm shell shocked these last two months because in November it was like "ok, I'll go stay at my mom and dad's for three months, we'll cool off and then I'll come home and we'll get back to working on things". Yeah, didn't turn out that way at all. The problem I realize now is that I was still in my fog for those three months. Just hanging out. Waiting to go home and expecting my W to work on her part. Without looking at my part or even realizing that I was part of the problem. Boy have my eyes opened up when I found out that not only was this not going to be a temp sep. She was "done" and there was no chance of reconciliation. That was on March 29th. I have been a mess ever since but literally the very next day it was like I woke up from this haze I had been in for 5 years. I hit the bottom and bounced off of it.
My son and I were talking about things the other day. He is very, very intelligent. Sometimes we'll talk about what's going on just so he understands it and can deal with it a little bit better. And believe me when I say that I NEVER make my wife out to be the bad guy. But he said to me the other day he was going to be an inventor. So as we were talking we talked about inventing a time machine. He said he'd like to travel to the future. I said cool. I told him I'd like to be able to travel to the past....6 years old and he says to me "so that way we could stop all this from happening right Dad?"
God I feel like I missed so much. I wish I could travel back in time. But I can't. I can only go forward.
That last bit by Cali is what I worry about for you right now. You're watching the kids so she can read on the beach or go to the dentist? And you're mowing the lawn and cleaning her house? Why WOULDNT she string you along for months with that kind of service.
I get it. The kids are important. You want/need to see them and you and they deserve that. But I really think you need to start making yourself more unavailable somehow.
Matt. Unavailable would be "more of the same" for me. That is what triggered all of this. I "checked out". Not everyone's sich's are the same.
If I just continue to be "checked out" is that really self improvement? Is that really getting back to the real, pre-depression me?
No. It's continuing to be a guy that just disappears.
I don't look at it as her house. It is our house. And I have a responsibility to do my part.
I'm telling you, if I just check out that is the worst thing I can do.
I agree w/CaliGuy's posting because it is spot on. You have to give a little in order to get something bigger in return. I get it that you want to see your children, but there are going to be times when you are going to have to let things be. The kids have been out at the beach today, probably getting home late, need dinner, are tired and cranky, then bath time and then to bed. I think this was one of those days when you could have just wished them a fun time and told your wife you would see them tomorrow. As for the male bonding stuff w/your son...that might have been something you should have mentioned to your wife yesterday or even tomorrow when you visit w/the kids. It could have been something that you and your wife could have planned out for later in the week w/you doing the male bonding w/your son and your wife doing something w/your daughter.
There are going to be times when you need to drop the rope and allow things to just be.
Now, I'm going to also state that I agree w/Matt's posting. How is your wife ever going to miss you if you are there all of the time? She's got it made! She's got you coming over every week day to see the kids and while you are there, you are mowing the lawn, fixing things, etc. She's not going to miss you one bit w/you still there except for bed time. You've got to start taking the kids out, away from the home and do things w/them. You've got to leave the grass alone and allow her to get out there and mow it for a change. Really...how is she going to miss you if you are there, front and center all of the time?
BEClem, I know you love your kids, but you also have to have a life too. The only way that your wife is going to miss you is if you slowly cease doing all of those husbandly chores for her. She needs to learn to take care of herself for a change. Time to do some 180's and leave the home owner chores alone for a bit. Time for you to take back your life and allow her to live hers for a bit, which includes your wife doing things for herself.
Guys. I'm telling you that if I do that this will not work. My wife is very independent. And guess who did all that stuff while I was checked out: her. Whereas I used to be fully helpful and available pre-depression.
Please. Trust me on this one. If I just stop doing all that stuff it is "more of the same".
Yes. I have to get a life. Yes, I have to get the children out of the house.
But I ceased being a husband while I was depressed. I stopped doing all the things I used to do. Doing these things now is a 180. It is a change to the real me. And I'm doing them because I want to do them. Not because she wants me to do them.
Please. You want to know what she figured out during those first 3 months of what was supposed to be our 3 month "temp sep".
She figured out she didn't miss me. She didn't need me. My W is not a girly girl. She is fiercely independent. Mows lawns, fixes things, knows how to use tools.
Before I "checked out" we were partners in taking care of the home. Then I left her to take care of the home and the kids.
I cannot go back to that. Please understand that this is not me pandering to her. This is me doing a true 180 and I'm doing it for me because that is who I really am and I refuse to do the "same old behaviors".
