Where to start in this (not so) sorry tale pt 2

[NDY]

Hi 25, thanks for stopping by.

I don't think I've explained myself very well so here's a quick summary.

My personal goals are well on track. I'm fitter now than ever, I go out with friends and have rekindled old hobbies as well as starting new ones. I believe my 180's are doing just fine as well. Ironically, my WW criticised me for too much gal, exactly the opposite of one of her reasons for leaving me.

When I read the section on goal setting in DR I took it to mean in the R. I looked back at those goals, I wrote them quite a while back (do what works took some time) and thus far it looks like I've achieved them. For now anyway and new goals will need to be set.
Now, about the house. It's not me that wants to sell. My WW wants to buy me out but I'm not happy with that. Basically for the reasons outlined above. You see, this is more than just a building, it was my dream. I don't want to leave it and I don't want her offer. For one thing it's not enough and L says don't leave if you can't afford a new place with what she's offering (I could but it wouldn't be anything near as good as here).

I appreciate that my WW will date whoever she wishes. That's not what concerns me. What I couldn't stomach is OM livin in my house living my dream. I know this is pride at work here but at this juncture I feel that handing this place over to her would be her walking all over me once again. I cannot continue to let that happen. They say respect plays a major part in all this, well she needs to respect that this place was my dream as well.

But S9 is the bind. I don't want him to have to move. This isn't his doing hence the conflict.

[25yearsmlc]

NDY
Pardon any typos I may have made (& the length of this!) but I'm really tired.

Anyway, okay I understand that you are GAL. I hear you.
Maybe you're in a really good place & maybe that will continue. Great!

I still just felt that most of your post tends to be about your w, and or the OM and or what you will/will not "allow."

My point is that *instead of talking about the limits you wish you could impose on others,

you could keep the focus on who/what you CAN affect, which is just you

and

When you feel conflicted b/c your son's needs don't match your wants

then PERHAPS it's not truly "confusion" you feel.
Parenting demands an unflinching unrelenting amount of selflessness.

We've all been where you are.

There were lots of times I wanted out of the marriage. I stayed & dug deep, b/c I believed it was the best thing for the kids.


AND there were times I wanted to bury my head in the sand & stay m, but I had to fight those urges til I had examined what my children wanted AND OR needed...

when these ^^factors were not in alignment, I can honestly say I consistently chose the option that I believed was in the best interests of my children.

I used my IC and DB coach as sounding boards for all the second guessing (& b/c I wasn't always sure I could be objective) so I had some confidence in the actions I took.

My post was just trying to clarify that before you get all bogged down in what your W is doing/thinking/planning OR with whom,

Do right by your boy, no matter what else.

I swear you'll be happier in the long run, when your days are coming to end,

because you'll be able to look in the mirror & know You did right best by him

Make sense?

[NDY]

Hi 25

Thanks again for your input. I value it immensely.

I completely understand what you are saying about doing right by my boy. And once again there in lies the bind. Being a dad isn't just about providing for him or spending time with him. It's also about teaching him how to be a man. He looks to me for direction, how to deal with life. What kind of life lesson do I teach my son that it's ok for people to walk all over you?

Don't get me wrong here. He will be provided for no matter what. He will have a nice place to live but he also needs to see his dad standing up for his principals. See what I mean here? Like i said, conflicted.

[Huddy]

Using 25's words then, the best thing for S would be to stay at house and you take the share that W is offering. But would that be the best for S? You go back to pick S up and OM is at the door. You'll probably bicker with W and S will know and react accordingly.

This one is really difficult. You don't want to be trampled on; you don't want to hurt S.

[NDY]

No, I don't want either. But also, is it better for S9 that I be replaced in that house? That's his haven. His sanctuary. What if he doesn't like the OM? Then what. Idk. This is very difficult.

[25yearsmlc]

No, I don't want either. But also, is it better for S9 that I be replaced in that house?

Why is it you assume you can be "replaced" because of the house they live in?

If OM thinks he can "replace" you, 1what difference does it make where that occurs?


Wow I don;t want to belabor the point so I'll move on, but leave you with this:

imo, your arguments re the house, all have to do with the meaning YOU attach to the house.
I'm saying perhaps you ought to be looking at it PRIMARILY/SOLELY

from the viewpoint of the meaning your son attaches to the house.

If you fear being "replaced" by OM (and every LBSer fears that, just so you know)...

but what difference does the place itself have?

And though I don;t believe any step parent could replace the bio parent (and we are getting WAY ahead of ourselves with the role of OM here, btw)

but assuming for the sake of discussion that OM sticks around...why couldn't the OM "replace" you in another house? I mean, what difference does the place make, in terms of his replacing you?

Again, shouldn't the focus be on your son's environment?

Plus ftr, I think it'd be terribly awkward FOR OM to be in the house you put energy into.

Your stbxw will have a ton of memories of YOU there, not OM.

What does the house itself, mean to YOU and why?




That's his haven. His sanctuary. What if he doesn't like the OM?

THIS^^ bolsters my point.

How would your SON be better off in a strange environment - with OM there --------if they do not get along?

Wouldn't it be easier on him if he had his sanctuary close by?

[Huddy]

That really is a toughie. If you really want to kill the house stone dead, then you both need to go. S would then have to be involved in the search for a new house for both of you, so that he feels a haven at each.

OM? Sounds like a to****, so I doubt he'll be around for much longer. If I was OM, I'd be asking why my 'girlfriend' was going back home every night, instead of making a place with me? If I was OM, I'd be trying to encourage 'girlfriend' to bring S with her. Get my drift here? I don't think he can be a serious family man. Hope you take that in the spirit it's meant.

[NDY]

No, I don't want either. But also, is it better for S9 that I be replaced in that house?

Why is it you assume you can be "replaced" because of the house they live in?

If OM thinks he can "replace" you, 1what difference does it make where that occurs?


Wow I don;t want to belabor the point so I'll move on, but leave you with this:

imo, your arguments re the house, all have to do with the meaning YOU attach to the house.
I'm saying perhaps you ought to be looking at it PRIMARILY/SOLELY

from the viewpoint of the meaning your son attaches to the house.

If you fear being "replaced" by OM (and every LBSer fears that, just so you know)...

but what difference does the place itself have?

And though I don;t believe any step parent could replace the bio parent (and we are getting WAY ahead of ourselves with the role of OM here, btw)

but assuming for the sake of discussion that OM sticks around...why couldn't the OM "replace" you in another house? I mean, what difference does the place make, in terms of his replacing you?

Again, shouldn't the focus be on your son's environment?

Plus ftr, I think it'd be terribly awkward FOR OM to be in the house you put energy into.

Your stbxw will have a ton of memories of YOU there, not OM.

What does the house itself, mean to YOU and why?




That's his haven. His sanctuary. What if he doesn't like the OM?

THIS^^ bolsters my point.

How would your SON be better off in a strange environment - with OM there --------if they do not get along?

Wouldn't it be easier on him if he had his sanctuary close by?

Hi 25. I see where you are coming from. Ok, let me explain.

This place means so much to me. I didn't come from a weathy background and getting this place felt like we had 'made it'. So many dreams, so much ambition. All dead now of course and I do feel sad about that. Yet, this place means so much to S9. This is his home. Where he feels safe.

The environment is important. To a man, his home is his castle. Get my drift? Yes, pride is at play here and I will not allow myself to just roll over when it comes to MY house.

I know that the OM can supplement me anywhere, no matter the building but this is not just a building. Not to me anyway.

[NDY]

That really is a toughie. If you really want to kill the house stone dead, then you both need to go. S would then have to be involved in the search for a new house for both of you, so that he feels a haven at each.

OM? Sounds like a to****, so I doubt he'll be around for much longer. If I was OM, I'd be asking why my 'girlfriend' was going back home every night, instead of making a place with me? If I was OM, I'd be trying to encourage 'girlfriend' to bring S with her. Get my drift here? I don't think he can be a serious family man. Hope you take that in the spirit it's meant.

Mate, he's tried to instigate meetings with S9. I intervened. Not going to happen any time soon. But why would he want to set up home with my WW? He's cake eating. He's having the time of his life going out with a married woman and no doubt having it off with every woman he gets the chance with.

[NDY]

Ok I need a serious lesson in detachment.

WW asked earlier if I was going out. I was in two minds but she wants to go out. I have to be honest here and got pi*sed off at her. I snapped that she should just go.

I went out for an hour or two and when I got back WW said again about going out. I snapped again and just told her to leave, do what she wants but leave me alone.

Not exatly detached now is it? Fek.