Sad to say, but I'm glad you've got a few months on me with this (don't take that the wrong way - I think you'll understand what I'm saying).
As she's on her mobile, it'll be SIL. MIL is at work until 7, so that wasn't hard to figure out. I guess she wanted to be heard, because I'm in bathroom with kids and I could hear the sobbing above the bath running. Interspersed with lots of 'I knows'. No doubt I'll be the biggest b****** under the sun, but I didn't start this.
I think what will really hit her is when she gets a reply letter from my L. That makes it very real then. W has got an estate agent coming tomorrow - big deal; not signing anything.
I understand mate. No offence taken nor implied. Perhaps having a few months over you means I'm closer to the finishing line, IDK. Anyway, your SIL is some piece of work. The 'well meaning friends' section of DR could have been written about her.
Are you able to tell when it's your W talking or if she's repeating/ acting out what SIL has told her?
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
SIL is priming W into actions she wouldn't normally take. The L for example. Even though I was at the hotel that week, my SD was at home and told me what was going on. So, SIL googles 'Family lawyers in fife' (W is not clued up on computers at all) and picks the first one that comes up. Gives number to W and tells her to to phone it for 'advice'
L told her to bring proof of income etc. (mine did as well) and then proceeded to tell her she was able to claim legal aid so started ball rolling on full legal separation, money claims etc. SIL tells W to 'go for it, you deserve something'. Well thanks. being a loving, caring husband that does everything for you means jack s***.
Yeah, my SIL really is a man hating, lonely spinster.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
SIL is priming W into actions she wouldn't normally take. The L for example. Even though I was at the hotel that week, my SD was at home and told me what was going on. So, SIL googles 'Family lawyers in fife' (W is not clued up on computers at all) and picks the first one that comes up. Gives number to W and tells her to to phone it for 'advice'
L told her to bring proof of income etc. (mine did as well) and then proceeded to tell her she was able to claim legal aid so started ball rolling on full legal separation, money claims etc. SIL tells W to 'go for it, you deserve something'. Well thanks. being a loving, caring husband that does everything for you means jack s***.
Yeah, my SIL really is a man hating, lonely spinster.
Sounds like it. So I think the cooling off period has still to come. I think I may just be entering mine, and remember how far ahead in the process I am from you. But you can't rush it. No siree. It'll take its merry time. So get your ducks in a row JUST IN CASE. Make sure you are better prepared than your W. Look, when your W dropped the bomb in her mind this would all be easy, you would just roll over and give her everything she wants and you would still be friends. It's classic script. Now she will start to learn the consequences of her actions but believe me when I say it isn't an overnight realisation. It takes time. A lot of time.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I'm glad you're getting some peace. Even if it's not what you want so far, a bit of a breather will do you good.
SD tells me that W broke down earlier today, crying etc. saying how she wasn't happy how things were going. W said there is no way she is going to get back with me, but she is now thinking of staying in Scotland. Funny, seven weeks ago, there was no way she was staying up here.
SD asks me to back off on DB strategy. I think that is wrong. In just two weeks I've gone from feeble, sobbing, needy wreck to feeling quite strong (despite last weeks backslide about the kids) and mentally in a better place. W appears to be starting to have doubts. This could be crocodile tears (just like Sandi2 says would happen) and I'm not really in a forgiving mood at the moment.
I've told SD to have faith in the system. She felt that it would push W further away, but I told her it's meant to be counter intuitive. SD has agreed that it is alien to her, but will back me. For once in a long time, thanks to my new found friends on here, I actually feel in control.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Good. I'm glad you feel in control. But, will SD keep DB strategy to herself? I haven't shared that with anyone. Not a sole that not a virtual friend. It's our game plan that we can't expose. The control here can only be for you. Do not try to control your W. That's the worst thing you can do.
I get that she's not liking it. But like you said before, this isn't picking paint. No, this is life changing so you do what you need to do.
Yes, I have relative calm for now. Going to journal a bit on my own thread.
Last edited by NDY; 05/21/1508:43 PM.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
SIL is priming W into actions she wouldn't normally take. The L for example. Even though I was at the hotel that week, my SD was at home and told me what was going on. So, SIL googles 'Family lawyers in fife' (W is not clued up on computers at all) and picks the first one that comes up. Gives number to W and tells her to to phone it for 'advice'
L told her to bring proof of income etc. (mine did as well) and then proceeded to tell her she was able to claim legal aid so started ball rolling on full legal separation, money claims etc. SIL tells W to 'go for it, you deserve something'. Well thanks. being a loving, caring husband that does everything for you means jack s***.
Yeah, my SIL really is a man hating, lonely spinster.
This is just so damned annoying. In your case it is SIL. In mine it is the family Ukraine, and several really bad choices for support/confidence/advice. BUT this is the support she sought. She shutdown all other opinions that didn't support her to D and OM. She fed them a warped, re-written version of our M to enlist the support.
Like Sandi's description of the WW, OM was a drug and she needed her fix. In all honesty, W is not the strongest person, she was/is a soft target. Granted I gave her good reason to be a "target" in the first place. BUT if she was stronger, more mature, she may have even had a moment where she paused to reflect on where she was. Lifted her head out of the fog so to speak.
MAYBE that is what your W is crying about. MAYBE it is just self pity (somehow??? - WAW crazy). BUT neither really matters in the big picture and you re behaving admirably Huddy. Keep it up.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
I told my SD because she was so stressed out and on the anti depresants. I had to let her know I had a plan. I din't want her to do anything stupid. She's on my side as she doesn't want W to go anywhere.
The SIL/MIL was a really bad choice to ask for help. I thought they might make her see sense, but I didn't count on them using their own agenda.
I think W thinks it's not going her way, so for now, it's tears for herself.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I told my SD because she was so stressed out and on the anti depresants. I had to let her know I had a plan. I din't want her to do anything stupid. She's on my side as she doesn't want W to go anywhere.
The SIL/MIL was a really bad choice to ask for help. I thought they might make her see sense, but I didn't count on them using their own agenda.
I think W thinks it's not going her way, so for now, it's tears for herself.
It'll be guilt, no doubt about it. Let her process it herself. SIL has never been through this so she has no idea what it's like. I can here her now on the phone "you deserve happiness". Well, is she happier now? Will she be happier in the long run? Idk but it sounds very much to me like your W had a pretty good life up till now.
Py, my W is a very strong, mature woman. It made no difference to her behaviour.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I know this is what SIL will be saying. I've known SIL for 22 years; she's nicey nicey to everyones face, but behind peoples backs she gets involved in other peoples relationships and seems quite happy when they break up.
Misery loves misery.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I know this is what SIL will be saying. I've known SIL for 22 years; she's nicey nicey to everyones face, but behind peoples backs she gets involved in other peoples relationships and seems quite happy when they break up.
Misery loves misery.
If only your W recognise her for what she really is. Anyway that's not going to help you now. For now it's you and the kids.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
