Arleen, so sorry to hear about that your mother is also causing you stress. She really should be supportive. Well done handling the conversation with H. It's very difficult to not have break downs,but we all do. I had one myself 2-3 weeks ago in from of W. Keep working om yourself. This is a long road.
Last edited by Fogg; 05/19/1502:44 PM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Thanks so much for your encouragement Fogg. Really needed it. I hope you're keeping well.
So H came home from work and I sat down with him while he had dinner. Ofcourse I couldn't keep my mouth shut and asked if him if he'd consider not going on with D happening in 2 days time. What was I thinking! So angry at myself now. H just said he doesn't want to talk about it. I'm hoping for a better day tmrw and I'm starting a 30 day plan to shut my mouth about discussing R starting tmrw! Gonna reward myself if I hit the 30 day mark. Haha sounds like something I did for my kids if they ate veggies/fruits each day and get a sticker on their reward chart.
I have such a hard time with just letting stuff come out of my mouth. After last R conversation, I vowed to STFU!! Takes a lot of self control for sure. Last night I almost brought up discrepancy with his last work trip. Luckily, I opted to bite my tongue. Resulted in a really good hour conversation we would not have had. Bringing up trip would not have gotten me anywhere accept for about 1/2 hr of feeling good?!
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
BW that's great! Yeah I seriously need to STFU more often. H working hours are crazy now..hardly comes home before 10pm. I don't know how he's gonna manage next week when he moves out of the house. Broke down in the car on the way to work this morning. I have no idea how we're gonna tell the kids about our D. Anyone has any suggestions?
I'm thinking of just keeping quiet for now. We have MC scheduled this weekend. Part of me wants to just give up. But every time I think about kids I know the M is worth working on. I have seriously got to work on being more patient.
H keeps telling me kids will be alright. Seriously...who is he kidding?? Sometimes I can't believe how selfish he is for having all of us go through this s#$t!
I have thought about giving up as well, but as Zues said, going through D and the after affects will be just as hard as fighting for M, if not harder. Just try and spend 5 minutes a day with focusing of positive thoughts. Helps me stay focused and hopeful.
One of the reasons I think my M is where it is because lack of graditude. Both my H and I are guilty of this. Years ago, instead of focusing on what we had going for us in M and in our lives, we opted to focus on what was wrong. That lead to anger and resentment, which just kept building up each year. Hard to live from a place of love and forgiveness when that is the case. Thinking back to when my H was in school, there was so much to be thankful for, but instead I focused on things that were trivial in grand scheme of things. If only we could turn back time, but the silver lining is that in hindsight lessons have been learned. At least for me. My H, not so much since he is running from his issues. Feel sorry for him in that regard. Hoping he will come to senses at some point, but if not, at least I have used situation for my personal growth.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Thanks BW...I needed that. You're right, need to count my blessings and focus on the positive. And it's true, I think going through D would be harder but I guess H can't see it. Sigh. I'm letting go and letting God right now. Must be hormones messing up with my emotions. I had such a good week last week, this week's been awful. I need to snap out of it soon.
I have to say the past 10 weeks have been pretty good and both H and I agree we're in a better place now. We can now have a decent conversation without both of us screaming at each other. It got to a point where the only time we communicate with each other is when we fight. And yeah I wish I could turn back time and changed how I reacted during those fights. And the irony of it all is that most of the time we don't even remember what we were fighting about. It's been so much better now... I'd hate to regress. Gotta kick start GAL-ing! Thanks for your support BW. Means a lot go me! I pray things are well with you too!
Right after BD, I actually said to my H that working our marriage would be easier, the right thing to do, gave stats on second marriage divorce rates, etc. He just got angry and it went in one ear and right out the other. He said he was not even thinking about divorce and afterwards, so why was I?
His point was that we already had time to work on it and nothing happened. Problem is his version of working on it was never going to help. I think we both thought it would miraculously change. The big barrier to all of this is A. That is what marriage really should look like 24/7, right??
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I guess it's gonna take longer than most of us expected to get to R. I'm also trying to trust the process and it is true...it takes one to tango, in the beginning. We can only hope that our S will want to 'dance' with us eventually.
New to your sitch. What a day to catch up. I'm so sorry Arleen.
Anything I said to try to comfort you would just showcase how insufficient it would be and how primal and horrifying facing a loss like this is. For tonight know that we do understand your pain and are there with you. A moment of silence for Arleen's loss.
I look forward to hearing updates on your sitch and will post more once you get through tonight. Keep breathing.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thank you Zues...means a lot to me. I'm done crying. Time to pick myself up and continue DBing. H moving out of the house over the weekend. We hv MC on Saturday so we're gonna ask what's the best way to break it to our kids.
Had a long talk with him, and I'm so glad he opened up. For years we haven't had a decent conversation without one of us storming away or screaming each other's head off. I was very angry at first..he said that I shouldn't see him as the enemy. That he still loves me and cares for me. I was taken aback by what he said. I was actually very upset that he didn't show any sign of being sad. I mean..we're talking about 13 years of marriage and we have 3 kids together! He told me that it doesn't mean that he doesn't show it means he's not grieving. He is an extremely reserved person. Very aloof kinda guy. Although these are qualities that attracted me to him at first, it was also the same qualities that sometimes drives me up the wall!
He told me he needs more time to make sure we don't go down the same ugly road again. So I'll give him time. In the meantime I'm gonna focus on my kids and GAL. Time to close this chapter and open a new one...wish me luck!!!
