Mozza (12) + Links to success stories

[mahhhty]

Not sure about B. But for A... I think it would be best for the kids. Kids will always have a deep yearning for their parents to be together.

[Ripken8]

Mozza, I've seen your advice on others posts and they've always been very sound. Also, I, like others love the reports and style of your thread. I wish you the best in your continued detachment and self work.

As far as the questions, my two take some:

A- it really is up to what you feel you can handle. Ww is the one that broke up the family so she can't continue to expect you to fake it or patch it together when it's convenient for her. That being said, it prob would be nice for your daughter to see you two celebrating her together, as supportive coparents.

B-boundaries are important. If you don't voice how you feel to her or what things she says that cross your line to disrespect, you can't assume she knows. Stand tall, say how you feel a do where your line is and when she crosses it, make it known and hold her accountable. You can never go wrong there.

[TLEE86]

A) D7 has her end-of-year show this week. WW wants us to sit together as a family and seems to think it's entirely natural. I didn't want to, but now I'm not sure. It might be better for D3 and D7 to see their parents together. But I didn't want to sit with her because I don't want the awkwardness, nor the conversations. Also, I've become quite demonstrative since BD and fully expect to cry a good bit when I'll see D7 sing her bit of Les Miz, in part because I'm so hurt that I lost half of my kids. So, is it better if I agree and sit with her?

What does D7 want? IMO, if you're not ready to sit with her and be cordial and respectful, don't do it. There will come a time when you are able to sit there and have a "normal" conversation and you both are there solely for D7. If this is solely because of pride and awkwardness, and D7 wants you there, then I say swallow the pride and do it for D7. I guess bottom line, if D7 wants it, and you are able, then go for it. Everything is for the betterment of kids.

[raliced]

A) D7 has her end-of-year show this week. WW wants us to sit together as a family and seems to think it's entirely natural. I didn't want to, but now I'm not sure. It might be better for D3 and D7 to see their parents together. But I didn't want to sit with her because I don't want the awkwardness, nor the conversations. Also, I've become quite demonstrative since BD and fully expect to cry a good bit when I'll see D7 sing her bit of Les Miz, in part because I'm so hurt that I lost half of my kids. So, is it better if I agree and sit with her?

I'm not sure what to advise you Mozza - but let me tell you about the other side of this particular coin. Last week was "Open House" at D7's school. It was on a night when STBX keeps D7 and returns D3 - so I made an arrangement with him to meet at D7's classroom for the handoff thinking that we would both stay there for a while. The minute I walked in, STBX bailed and sent me a text a few minutes later saying that he had already seen all of her projects when he volunteers at the school on Fridays and to text him when we were done so he could take D7 home. Most of the other kids had two parents ooohing and aaahing over their work and it was an opportunity for them to "show off" their Mom and Dad. D7 missed out on this and I felt so very bad for her.

This Thursday is a little school play - D7 has a pretty large part. It would delight her if her Dad and I sat together to cheer her on - but it just doesn't remotely feel like a possibility - particularly after the Open House fiasco. Would I enjoy sitting next to STBX? Heck no. Honestly at the moment he makes my skin crawl. But I would cheerfully do it for my daughter.

I know you're resistant to any of your wife's attempts to cast this situation in a "normalizing" light. That never comes up in my sitch - but it would bug me too. All that being said - I think it does mean a lot to the kids.

I sincerely don't know if there is any "right" answer. Do what you think is best for you and your daughter.

[bravo61]

For me, I'd be sure to let my D know I was going to be there and sit somewhere else. Even tell her, if you can, the vicinity where you will sit. Wave to her from the crowd. You are there to support her not pretend at being WW punchline. You are not in a family with her, you got fired remember?

[Karma12]

Hey Mozza,...treat STBX like a business partner. Put the kiddos first. Enjoy your life but be careful. Don't jump in too fast. Take your time. See red flags if there are any. This is your life.....take the time to know yourself. Sometimes the online thing can seem like it is all that. Take your time. Cheers, K.

[TenBook]

Hi Mozza,

I'd go with Plan A. At some point we are going to have to interact with our WW for the kids.

[SunnyB]

A) D7 has her end-of-year show this week. WW wants us to sit together as a family and seems to think it's entirely natural. I didn't want to, but now I'm not sure. It might be better for D3 and D7 to see their parents together. But I didn't want to sit with her because I don't want the awkwardness, nor the conversations. Also, I've become quite demonstrative since BD and fully expect to cry a good bit when I'll see D7 sing her bit of Les Miz, in part because I'm so hurt that I lost half of my kids. So, is it better if I agree and sit with her?

I vote sit together if it's what your D wants, and if you think you can do it. H and I almost always sit together at games, shows, etc. We don't even ask, it's just understood that's what's going to happen. We both feel it's best for us to present a united front as parents. But I also know what's right for us is not right for everyone, so if you end up not sitting together, don't feel badly about it, at least you were there.

[Mozza]

Thanks all! I've decided to sit with WW at the show tomorrow. It would be too awkward for D3 to have us apart. Also, at some session I attended about mediation, they said it's important for the kids to see that their parents communicate. By the way, I would never ask D7 what she thinks about it, as I don't want her to feel in charge of any aspect of the S. Really, thanks to everyone who contributed.

It looks like most were stumped by my other question (thanks Ripken8!), but I'll give it another go in case some of you have some late inspiration.

B) I'm starting to get snappy at WW. She told me I could have told her something minor earlier about D7's show, that she would have done certain things earlier. I replied "No need to blame". I don't complain about her multiple offenses, so I hope I won't be told I'm causing her slight trouble for the smallest thing. Later, she told me that mediation should go well, regardless of who is the mediator, if we're both honest and solutions-oriented. I told her I gave her no reason since the S and even in the R to remind me multiple times (she has) to be honest and cordial, that I found it disrespectful. She backtracked immediately and even used some validation on me. So, how wrong am I to draw a line in the sand on certain things related to treated me with respect? Is it even wrth it? Details available on demand.

One minor news item: WW sent me one of her infamous random communication for the first time in months (since March maybe?), this time texting me bout how she used what she learnt from my work expertise to impress her colleagues. I replied with a thumbs up.

WAIT! I do have some news: I've unfriended WW from Facebook! It has taken me several months to gather the courage, but now I realize that I'm entirely ready. I have hidden her updates months ago and would not feel any temptation to review her recent posts. That being said, I did go for a farewell tour before the unfriending. I noticed that she has already unfriended all of my friends, including those who had been spared at the first cut a few months ago. Other than that, still no explicit mention of OM on her wall, expect for posting a work-related thing (they work together) that he seems to have written. I was not saddened much by this visit and farewell.

[Karma12]

Good for you Mozza....it's good to keep away from anything that will cause you more pain.