Yes Cadet. Saying nothing, whilst not the best feeling in the world, does stop any conflicts and lets you sort things out in your own mind about what you need to do to help yourself get stronger.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Thanks for the feedback. I won't bring up D or R. Yes you have a point there. If he wants the D I'm gonna let him do all the work, sit back and relax and enjoy each day as it comes
So finally H started talking about D going thru in a week. Actually less than a week. I was dreading this talk but I was very calm throughout it. Didn't shed a tear...good progress for me. The last time we spoke about R and D over a month ago I ended begging and pleading. After reading DR and the forum here as well all the advice everyone's given me I am very proud of myself today! I think H was pretty impressed with me too, though he didn't say it. He says he's going ahead with D, (cried in my heart but maintained my composure) but he feels that we can still work it out. He says he needs more time to figure out if the changes we're both making are gonna last. He says I've been doing a lot of things that were out of my character and he likes it. He also asked if I'd be willing to give us a max of 12 mths to see if we can be M again and in the meantime be committed to each other and not start dating anyone yet.
Some of the 180s I've been doing for the past 7 weeks after reading DR: 1) I stopped calling or texting him at work. Before this I would just call to say hi or ask what he had for lunch etc. I stopped that. Pretty hard to do at first since it's been a habit of mine for the longest time. I realized that if I didn't call him he'd end up calling me instead..so I had to be really patient. And everytime he called I would hang up first
2) used to complain a lot about him not helping out with chores. Now I do it willingly and the funny thing is he has started helping out so much more. And I didn't have to ask him.
3) used to tell him every single detail of my day. Now I try to keep it a mystery and he ends up asking more. I try to keep details to minimum. I've always been an open book..haha
Doing the 180s, GAL, acting as if and stop pursuing has really helped me so far. I'm hoping that I'll be consistent with them. One thing that has keeping me on track is to tell myself that I'm gonna take one day at a time. Forget about what's gonna happen in a months time, a years Time or in 5 years time. I just focus on making each day a good day for myself and for my kids. Sure there are days when I just feel like not getting out of the bed..but that's when the acting as if helps.
Still have a loooong way to go though but I feel so much better as a person now. Used to blame myself for what happened in my M but I have learned to forgive myself and work at improving myself, one step at a time. Been reading all the other posts and it has given me so much encouragement to keep at it and that I'm not alone in this journey to be a better person.
Thanks BW05. After getting advice from all of you, I had to accept the fact that it's gonna take longer than I had initially hope it would. Really taking one day at a time and GAL. Feel so much better and in control of myself now.
How's things over at your end? Praying that everything's ok with you!
Sorry I'm still finding my way in this forum thingy so not sure if I've read your story BW05! Will look under newcomers lists.
when I first stumbled upon this website I was pretty much broken but didn't wanna give up on my marriage as yet. All the other websites were advicing to just movr on. But here its just amazing that I've gotten words of comfort, advice and encouragement half way across the world (I'm in South East Asia thus the odd hours when I post!) I'm so glad I found this place.
Hi how's everyone doing? Past 2 days have been pretty rough for me. Not if I'm depressed or its hormonal or because the impending D date is coming soon but on Monday went to work happy but by noon I decided to cancel all my meetings, go home and sleep till it was time to pick up kids from school. Today I called in sick, sent kids to school in the morning and went home and continued sleeping from 10am to 3pm. H is coming home late tonight. He has no idea I've been home sleeping all day. While on the way to pick up kids from school I cried. Sigh. I hate living like this.
Monday morning mom called to find out how I'm doing. Told her H wanted to proceed with D but at the same time wants to give time to work it out. Mom didn't sound too happy. She thinks I haven't been doing any changes and keeps telling me that I'm the one to blame for what happened in my M. Me being the good daughter of course just kept quiet. It's emotionally draining talking to her. Instead of her telling me that it'll be ok and that I'll be able to handle D and that she'll be around for me, I'm down that has to console her! She says I'm argumentative, opinionated and refuse to look at other people's point of view which is why my H wants the D. I felt like saying, "yes mom. I learned it from you growing up." But of course I didn't. I'm so stressed right now
