I appreciate your honesty. I've been reading tons of books, therapy, stop drinking, gone to dr. for my low sex drive, and quit drinking. The 8 months leading up to the BD I was a mess. I now realize I was pushing her away both emotionally and physically. I was going though some depression not knowing how to deal with my ED and drinking way to much. W claims the drinking was never an issue, but I know it was, at least for me. Now I feel I'm out of the rut. I've done more stuff for myself in last month than I have in the last year. I know it might be to late to get wife back, but honestly I still have hope. All I can do is keep doing what I'm doing. It's been 17 weeks of sober hell.
No urge to drink, even when I've been going out on weekend with friends.
As far as the legal stuff, not worried. Already have a lawyer to protect myself.
I been trying to keep the chin up, it's hard but what else can you do but deal with what you've been dealt. It's not all my fault, but I'll take a lot of the blame.
Thats good mobile. Don't take blame. Blame forms resentment. Try to accept it, live and learn. From that process it will be easier to validate her position, bc you will meet it with something other than blame/resentment.
Validation needs to be your go to move!
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Another nothing night. Had brief discussion with W about S15. We all talked. After that took both S to visit family. W went to gym. We got home first, when she got home, she was in silent treatment mode. Last couple days she seems to be pulling away again. The more she pulls away the better I start to feel. Maybe the thought of it ending is sounding better to me that hoping it can be fixed. Maybe I'm just looking for an ending. Don't think I fear getting the D anymore. Don't get me wrong, would love to have family back, but if I'm not going to be loved and respected for who I am, how long should I really want to put up with it?
More of the same, did stuff with kids after work. W got home late after gym. We talked for few minutes about problems with oldest S. All kid talks been going fine. Eye contact, no attitude. W very distant about everything. Starting to seem like she doesn't want to be at home, which is probably true do to stress from S and not wanting to be with me. I'm sure if kids weren't involved she would have moved out.
W is taking kids out this evening, so I'm going to gym and out with friends for dinner.
Had a good time last night, went over friends for din and watch ball game. W and kids went out. Didn't talk to anyone except youngest S when they got home, I was already in bed.
Having one of those days, thinking maybe I should force the D issue, ask why I'm not served yet. I haven't asked about it since I found she filed. W said she would have it mailed to me. One hand I think I don't want to keep doing this, life is short, why keep trying. On the other and I still love her and have hopes everything will somehow get fixed. Not sure how when I'm detaching and trying to move on, and she seems to be going the same. Only talk we do is about kids and house. Besides the hug and kiss(love and miss you) last week we are roommates with kids. Not sure what I'm holding on to.
Got served today. Did really bother me, since I knew it was just a matter of time. W seemed extra talkative today. Told her I need to detach, can't keep acting like everything is normal. It's not, I need to take care of me and keep moving forward. Weird day, really needs to start preparing for the future.
Long weekend. Doing a lot of thinking about how to proceed with D. Custody and home been taking up a lot of my time. W and S had fight this weekend, police got involved. S was arrested, W moved out so son could come back home. Everything spinning out of control. Get to talk to my lawyer today, and also court for my S. Been one hell of a year so far. Hoping for a better week.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
S pushed W put bruises on her, cops took him away.
Talked to my lawyer yesterday, guess I'm not officially served, my papers were just left in mail box. I can sign and mail back or delay by acting like I never got them. Really see no point in that. W is back on the I'm over you, feeling are all gone talk. I continue to try to detach. Getting really tired of everything going on. I know I have a long road ahead till all the pain is gone. I just keep going one day at a time. Ready for the holiday weekend.
Another day of processing. Forgot to mention Sunday during talks with everything going on I called W her mom, who she hates. W and her mom have had problem forever, with how her mom was never there and how she has been married 1/2 dozen times. I went off deep end, telling her how she's never there for S's except when convenient for her. Asked how first 18 years of marriage were, she said good, I say so we have a bad 8 months and you call it quits, sound just like something your mother would do. I was mad and said few more hateful things, but its how I feel. Monday she said she has no feeling and it's over. Also tells me she's mad that I would say she's like her mom.
Since our talk on Monday, when I told her I need to let go, her mixed signals don't help me, if things are over, stop with the text and emails. I'm trying to move on with dealing with D. I feel its impossible to do living together, but no one is willing to move out, do to kids and court. Since then she has sent couple text and emails, couple about kids which are fine, except they are also things that could be discussed later instead of a early morning text. I don't respond, it can wait till later. Couple text are about nothing I need to know about. Those are the ones that drive me nuts. Does she send to drive me nuts, or is she simply trying to hold on to something? I delete and go on with my day, but they do drive me crazy.
Another problem I've been having is my smoking, I've always enjoyed a cigar every once and a while. Lately I've been smoking a lot. Smoke a few small cigars and one or two full size cigars daily. She has noticed and was questioning why the other day. I didn't give reason. Yesterday I left my tin of cigars on bathroom counter, last night I could not find them. This morning when brushing my teeth I looked in her bathroom drawer, found my cigars hidden in a little cubby she has in her drawer. Not sure why she feels the need to act like a child and hide my cigars. I don't plan to say anything, I'll just go get more. I left them in her drawer to see what she does with them.
