You're right defacto. On this roller coaster even now I find myself reaching for things she says not does. She is going on a trip with another man but says she finds herself fighting through being comfortable, meaning being with me. I move out next week. Her emotions are going to be tough. I'm worried my expectations will come with any sign.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
She is going on a trip with another man but says she finds herself fighting through being comfortable, meaning being with me. I move out next week. Her emotions are going to be tough. I'm worried my expectations will come with any sign.
Sure thing, you are comfortable to her. You're the plan B right now. I don't know about you but when I realized this in my own sitch, it became the single greatest motivator for me to get my sh!t together. You are nobody's plan B, Ripken.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
I'm sorry to hear things didn't go well today. I agree with Defacto's last 2 posts. Do not be her "Plan B."
Although my case is different that yours, (she is living 3 1/2 hrs away w/her Mom) I have "Gone Dark" which, as Sandi pointed out, means NO contact whatsoever. We have no children together, but 3 each from previous marriages. (it's in my sig)
I haven't contacted her in almost 3 weeks. The last time she did, it was a text a little over 2 weeks ago about an AT&T bill. I never replied. This is a definite 180 for me.
It's hard to remember all she has said in the past 6+ months, but it finally hit me that, if she couldn't make it on her own (she has MS) I am her backup plan - Plan B.
Just like Defacto, that motivated me to truly stick with NC, have a PMA and GAL. Also, all of you guys helped, too.
Does all this make any sense, Rip, or am I just rambling on? LOL
I can tell how much your M means to you and you are a great guy.
Hang in there mister.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Bob/de facto, thanks. It completely makes sense. However logic doesn't always communicate with my heart. I'm sure when I go dark after moving out it will help and be easier. Can't imagine being in a constant up and down roller coaster ride by staying in the house. Wondering who's she's texting, when she's coming home, etc.
I know I'll need help IF ww ever moves towards me and starts saying things like your wife has de facto. Right now, I think I would melt.
Sure I'm no ones plan b, but right now all I think of is maybe if we tried and both got help we could finally be happier and stronger together.
The denial stage is tough
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Yes rip, denial IS tough. It is a sign that you are not accepting what is happening, that your wife is free to chose her own path....that we have no control over this situation.
Zephyr what I meant by denial was if she started to say things like I love you or I miss you or cry about what happened, I would deny that I need to watch actions and immediately reach to take it at face value.
I've accepted my wife filed for divorce, is still seeing om and doesn't love me or want me. I've accepted I need to work on me.
On a lighter note, went to meditation today and that went well. Worked out for 1 1/2 hours and ww came and told me since I'm not getting cable in new place, she suggested she give me the username and password for showtime and HBO to go, so I can still watch those shows in my place. Not reading into it, but nice she volunteered and was being nice.
I feel even more strongly that this move will be good for both of us. Time to realize what we need or want to work on individually, how much is the other really to blame and what type of relationship either one of us wants (not needs) to have with the other.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
You know what's frustrating? Over the last two days and today especially Ww will ask me "how does this look?" "Does it look like I'm losing my ass?" "Check out my tan lines (around her ass and crotch) are they even" "take a look at my stomach, it's getting toned" and "are these shorts to shorts to wear in public". Oblivious on how asking me would make me feel. I so wanted to tell her to ask Om, but I didn't.
This just adds to my feelings that she is so far in the fog that she has no idea what she is doing and how it impacts me. I tried really hard to be polite but not overly validate
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Zephyr what I meant by denial was if she started to say things like I love you or I miss you or cry about what happened, I would deny that I need to watch actions and immediately reach to take it at face value.
Yes, absolutely understood. These things they say may be true, may not...we are in denial about how genuine spouse may be, it suits us for them to be true. I am so guilty of this still after all these years of struggle. That is why living for ourselves is so important, being able to be happy through our own graces and actions is paramount.
I am glad you are working on yourself, went to first meditation group this weekend, was interesting and something I will be incorporating into my routine, maybe not daily...I could feel a difference right away, crazy...right?
Not crazy at all zephyr that's how it was for me. Glad it had such an impact and hope it continues to help.
I'll need to continue to stick with what's working for me. I am worried though that if she reaches out or turns to me and I dismiss or brush off, she won't try to turn towards me again. I know that's how everyone feels, but she has a huge fear of rejection and won't continually put herself out there.
Damn. How easily I try to mindread and pretend I know what the future holds. Will go back to staying in the moment and controlling me
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
You know what's frustrating? Over the last two days and today especially Ww will ask me "how does this look?" "Does it look like I'm losing my ass?" "Check out my tan lines (around her ass and crotch) are they even" "take a look at my stomach, it's getting toned" and "are these shorts to shorts to wear in public". Oblivious on how asking me would make me feel. I so wanted to tell her to ask Om, but I didn't.
This just adds to my feelings that she is so far in the fog that she has no idea what she is doing and how it impacts me. I tried really hard to be polite but not overly validate
Slapping you on the upside like Gibbs with DiNozzo....
This is no fog talking. She is doing this to check if you have any interest or any reaction to those comments. She's 33 not 60!
