Oh, and then there was the text right before she left Friday afternoon asking if I'd like to have a "quickie". Which I did and we did. It was very nice.
Completely unprompted by me, for the last 10 - 14 days I have been very hand off, very just being there not asking or trying to expect anything at all.
Clearly, this adds up to that I just have to not trust anything, and find a way to stop obsessing.
Me 37,W37 D8,D5 T20 years, M13 years BD-5/14 MC starts (continues)-9/14 EA discovered-10/14 Piecing(?)-11/14-5/14 "I just feel 'done'"-5/15 Trial S (I moved)-6/15/15
Sorry to keep adding posts. Just letting it flow though...
About a month or so ago (before the poo hit the fan again, while we were still "doing good" and "back"), I brought up the concept of wanting to make amends for the past deeds. This has stuck with her, which she has mentioned several times in couples therapy.
Stuck with her negatively, that is. She keeps thinking about that, looking back, and thinking that she really doesn't know or think that I can... That is just makes her so unsure about everything because she can't see how I can possibly "make up" for the damage done in the past.
A negative connection at this point to be sure, probably much too soon to even begin thinking about for her?
Me 37,W37 D8,D5 T20 years, M13 years BD-5/14 MC starts (continues)-9/14 EA discovered-10/14 Piecing(?)-11/14-5/14 "I just feel 'done'"-5/15 Trial S (I moved)-6/15/15
She was also saying in therapy how she thinks back to when her dad and mom got divorced, and how her dad moved on to the same block so he could be with the kids, and she hopes that should it get to that with us I would do something like that too.
And, that she would always like me to be in her life, as I am her very best friend, and she would always want me to be.
Which is a good thing, right?
Or, just tell me to ignore ignore ignore everything she says right now. Tell me that it doesn't matter.
Me 37,W37 D8,D5 T20 years, M13 years BD-5/14 MC starts (continues)-9/14 EA discovered-10/14 Piecing(?)-11/14-5/14 "I just feel 'done'"-5/15 Trial S (I moved)-6/15/15
Sorry to start another thread. I think my first story was WAY too long and didn't get many responses.
NUTSHELL:
Me: 37, her 36 2 kids, D8 D5 T 19.5 M 12.5 (since we were both 17)
I was moody, distant, sarcastic, angry, resentful, un-involved, individuated, emotionally abusive(?) for the last number of years. I brought home the bacon, I "expected her to do her job".
Wife started EA with friend, wrote me BD letter in May 2014.
Began marriage and individual counselling, I discovered EA and revealed my porn habit. Things changed and were way, way good for about 6 months.
A month ago: Her: "I'm just feeling very 'done'"
Counselling continues. We are friends under the same roof right now. Over the month she has been up and down towards me and the relationship, right now pretty down, feeling stuck and depressed
I am a COMPLETELY different person since the original bomb drop. I finally saw what I was doing and completely changed behavior. I consider, and I think she would agree, that I am now a great father and (potentially) great husband.
However, she feels "broken", and out of love, and doesn't know if she can ever be with me again. Frankly, I don't blame her and could see totally understand if not. I was mostly terrible to her for probably 8-ish years.
Separation has been discussed. She hasn't asked for it yet. Seems that we might be headed that way. Despite the general recommendations here, right now I feel that it might be a good thing to get and give some space.
I also feel like perhaps I should be the one to move out, because I do feel very at fault for what has happened.
Also, I have held on to this marriage very, very tightly for the last year since the BD. Makes me think that my temporarily moving out might be a 180 from what ISN'T working.
Just so confused right now. I took this amazing woman, relationship, fairy tale, and just crapped all over it and flushed it down the toilet.
What's the move right now?
Me 37,W37 D8,D5 T20 years, M13 years BD-5/14 MC starts (continues)-9/14 EA discovered-10/14 Piecing(?)-11/14-5/14 "I just feel 'done'"-5/15 Trial S (I moved)-6/15/15
I am sorry you are not getting a lot of responses on your thread.
Having an in house separation is rough and I have been there.
First I will give you this advice
How to get more people to POST on my thread?
To get more replies my suggestion is to ask questions. Put you post down in a readable fashion. (not one big block of type- ie hit carriage return frequently). KISS = Keep it simple stupid Post on other peoples threads and give them support. You may not think you are qualified but you will be surprised that you may know something or have some knowledge of something that others know nothing about. Personally thank each poster that does post on your thread or ask them a follow up question.
I know that the moving out thing is pretty much unanimously agreed upon as a NO... make the party that wants out do it.
I see the logic in that, but in my heart and head I also feel like perhaps it would show repentance, that I do care enough about HER (as opposed to trying to hold on the "marriage") that I can give her the space she wants without totally disrupting HER life. As I said, I do feel VERY at fault as to what has happened.
When I say move out, I am not talking about permanently or even semi-permanently. Maybe just a month of staying with a friend or something. Give her a chance to miss me (which friends have recommended to me as well.)
What are your thoughts on that?
Me 37,W37 D8,D5 T20 years, M13 years BD-5/14 MC starts (continues)-9/14 EA discovered-10/14 Piecing(?)-11/14-5/14 "I just feel 'done'"-5/15 Trial S (I moved)-6/15/15
Just read up on your sitch and I think you are desperatly searching for something to do or say that will fix this, like many of us do when we first get here. Something that will shock her back. That is control and it will not work, you just think it will right now.
Your in panic mode right now and need to take a huge step back and relax some. I know what your going through is difficult, its likely one of the worst situations you will have to experience in life. Go back to those initial threads and read them. They are very helpful but when we first get to these forums we skim over them and start looking for the magic answer to fix it all. What you need for right now is in those threads.
PATIENCE
Stop snooping in her texts, its only going to cause you issues. Its only useful to protect yourself financially and your children, after that its just pain and control. The way you are using it now is to try and understand whats happening in her mind. I did/do the same, and it wont help. Trying to understand how she thinks wont help you right now, it will make you crazy. Resist it.
The reason you cant detach is because your thinking too much, again I do the same. You cant think your way out of this, or stop thinking about her. You have to replace those thoughts with someone else. This is why GAL is so important. We find things to occupy our time and mind to fill those times we would obsess.
Everyone has a different reason on why they should move out or stay, and most the advice is to stay, for many reasons. You wanting to leave is for the wrong reasons(shock her into missing you). You can give her space living together, but it takes alot of self control. Don't ask for those reassurances from her, it just pushes her away. Try to not have any relationship discussions with her. No expectations.
One more thing, if you are having suicidal thoughts get some help. BUT DO NOT USE GETTING HELP IN ANY WAY TO PROOVE/SHOW SOMETHING TO W, that will be a huge mistake. If things do start to get worse you need to make sure you are safe, your children need you regardless if you and W are together or not. It would be an extremely selfish thing to do to them, to end your own pain. Get help if you need it.
You can do this but you have to have patience, this may take much longer than you expect. You will learn you really have the gift of time, use it to work on yourself and let W do what shes going to do. This is your best chance to save your M. Look at you, not her.
Also, keep to 1 thread until it gets to 100 posts. Keep posting often and people will catch onto it and offer advice.
Last edited by Fogg; 05/15/1506:35 PM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Thanks Fogg. VERY insightful, almost like you are inside my head! Yes, I do think and think and think. And obsess.
I am in individual therapy. I haven't had the "any port in the storm" suicide thoughts for a while now. I would never have considered myself suicidal, and especially could NEVER do that to my kids.
I live for my kids right now. A very tricky part for me has been, how to GAL when all I want to do is hang with the kids? I am perfectly fine giving wife space and practicing patience, but I also hate the feeling that she is "hiding" upstairs while I am down with the kids.
Those hours between my getting home from work and when the kids and wife go to bed seem arduous, heavy, and painful sometimes. Tension, eggshells. Sometimes they are fine though. Kind of just depends upon the wife's mental state.
Any suggestions for GAL while keeping the kids at the forefront? I don't want to go out with buddies every night or something... but I also know that I need to find something to help occupy me.
Me 37,W37 D8,D5 T20 years, M13 years BD-5/14 MC starts (continues)-9/14 EA discovered-10/14 Piecing(?)-11/14-5/14 "I just feel 'done'"-5/15 Trial S (I moved)-6/15/15
You can GAL with the kids also. Take them to the park, find something to do with them. I'm not sure how you would handle going out without her since you two aren't in the same situation as I was. I could take my kids and go out and W would just say "ok" when I told her I was leaving. You might just say "I'm taking the kids to XXXX, you're welcome to come if you want, were leaving in 5 mins". Just don't try and use it or see it as a way to spend time with her. You might even just say your going and leave it at that.
Go out with buddies once a week or so, find something new to do.
Just don't spend every day, all day waiting around for W to see what shes doing and her mood.
You say there's tension and you walking around eggshells because of her mental state. That's a mistake, you have to keep to a PMA regardless of her mood. She can likely feel that your tense and walking on eggshels, and its not attractive. You have to attract her back, which means be content in yourself and happy. She wants to be around someone who is fun to be around, not someone who is moping about and waiting around for her.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
