What am I working on for me? What are my goals to better myself?
-Rediscover and rebuild my self-esteem and self-confidence
-Learn to better control my anxiety and stop pursuing behaviors
-Let go of fears, they should not control my actions
-Learn to enjoy uncertainty and having patience, not everything has to have plans or expectations
-Realize how I am the only person responsible for my happiness and can only find it within me. I need to appreciate what I have, instead of focusing on the things or people I don't.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Can someone explain the difference between the LRT and Going Dark? With moving out, I'm sure going dark is the best course.
LRT is just that....Last Resort Technique after you've tried all methods and your spouse is still in active affair. That is everything STOPS full stop from your end.
Going dark is the same as dropping the rope. You don't initiate or pursue the WAS. It is essentially showing them that you are not available or tripping over your shoelaces to answer their calls, texts, etc.
Originally Posted By: Rip
Is the difference essentially going dark being no contact at all, where LRT accepts there will have to be some interaction?
Not quite. LRT means NO contact...that you've completely dropped the rope. I think it is detailed in page 124 or 125 in DR. Yes, I have a pretty scary wicked memory.
Doing dark does not always mean no contact. It just simply means that you do NOT initiate contact or pursue your W.
It's is detailed in there wonka, thanks. But in reading that it implies and says when you interact be positive and polite. I could never find going dark or dropping the rope in dr. So that why I thought going dark was you dropped off the face of the earth and are gone because you're so busy gal.
Also I swear Saudi or others have said you can't go dark when you live in the same house can only do lrt. Which would make sense if going dark was no contact. Also my last db coach meeting was about lrt and it included contact.
Sorry to make this seem more difficult that's why I'm confusing the two.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
It's is detailed in there wonka, thanks. But in reading that it implies and says when you interact be positive and polite. I could never find going dark or dropping the rope in dr. So that why I thought going dark was you dropped off the face of the earth and are gone because you're so busy gal.
Also I swear Saudi or others have said you can't go dark when you live in the same house can only do lrt. Which would make sense if going dark was no contact. Also my last db coach meeting was about lrt and it included contact.
Sorry to make this seem more difficult that's why I'm confusing the two.
Rip, All the acronyms and strategies are confusing for me too. I think the key here is not to get too bogged down in the name of a particular strategy. Instead, focus on employing the strategy that seems to work best in your sitch at this moment and then be consistent. Over time, if it is helping you achieve your goals, keep doing it. If it is not, modify it. Only you know the precise nuances of your W and your relationship.
But please, take this time to focus on improving you. That will never be the wrong answer. Stay strong and focused! Only a few more days until you move out.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Also, did you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy"? It talks about how it is okay for men to make mistakes. Fear of mistakes and always trying to do the "right thing" are hallmarks of a "Nice Guy". I think you are suffering from a bit of analysis paralysis (I know I am!). I thought it may help you to know that.
Sandi also says to make changes, then step back and reassess if they worked. This takes time and patience. Remember, do what works. Sorry my advice is pretty vague today, I am at work and really need to get stuff done. Still, I hope this helps.
If you think you are a nice guy, read the book I mentioned above.
Hey! Defacto AND I had the exact same advice for you. How cool is that? Must mean we are learning.
RAI
Exactly. Or maybe it means that it is good advice! Or maybe not...
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
That's awesome - thanks so much Defacto and RAI. I'll check out the No More Mr. Nice Guy book and see how it helps, there may be elements in there for me.
It's not easy, but lately I keep telling myself to use the time for me and I can't focus on her. She never returned from work, went to see OM and didn't come back til 1:30AM. For the most part, I wasn't bothered. Spent the evening with my sons and got some sleep. Was a good night. I need more of these and moving out will help.
As far as improving on me - I'll keep referring back to these and any advice/strategies/what works for you guys and the group, I'm all ears:
-Rediscover and rebuild my self-esteem and self-confidence
-Learn to better control my anxiety and stop pursuing behaviors
-Let go of fears, they should not control my actions
-Learn to enjoy uncertainty and having patience, not everything has to have plans or expectations
-Realize how I am the only person responsible for my happiness and can only find it within me. I need to appreciate what I have, instead of focusing on the things or people I don't.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
