In fact, in re-reading my post, you moving out for any extended period of time is addressing a symptom and not addressing the problem.
What you need to do is figure out how to manage your stress and emotions so you can have a positive mental attitude (PMA) even when she's around. This is KEY to your personal growth.
Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34 D8, S5, D2 T:16, M:9 BD + D: 4/3/2015 EA Confirmed 5/6/2015 Separation under the same roof
Yes it's definitely the symptoms. I need to find a way to relieve that stress, obsessing, and control issues.
Like right now she's out hiking with the EA OM and another friend. I have no idea how to process this. It seems like it's only going to lead to where we were before, her in love with him and as good as out the door. I know all I can do is let her do her thing and make her choices. I can't stop thinking about it, find friends ing her on iPhone, etc. Can't. Stop. I get all effed up, twisted in knots.
So then I feel like I just need to remove myself from this. So yes the symptoms.
Help me!! I need that magic bullet technique where I can just wipe my mind. Arrrrrrrrrrgh!
Me 37,W37 D8,D5 T20 years, M13 years BD-5/14 MC starts (continues)-9/14 EA discovered-10/14 Piecing(?)-11/14-5/14 "I just feel 'done'"-5/15 Trial S (I moved)-6/15/15
Naturally I find out (from her volunteering it) that she went alone. OM and friend both bailed on her. Got all friggin worked up about nothing. Gonna try to learn from that. Snooping always effs with my head and yet I can't stop myself when the going is rough. It's like my psychotic security blanket. So much better when I don't and I know it.
Anyway, doing ok right now. She's still super warm and friendly. And I still have a lot of hope. She hasn't herself talked about separation or anything this latest down period. We are still totally friendly, and sex isn't even off the table. Although I haven't been all that horny and I'm 180ing my 180 -- in other words she knows I'm super interested in her sexually now from the last 5 months (my horniness kind of became a running joke), so I'm backing off. Be interesting to see if she instigates at all.
I honestly have NO idea what is going through her head right now. I'm only as good as our last interaction, which makes for a rough ride. Have to find something that works for that wave of consuming panic that overtakes me.
Individual therapy tomorrow. Couples next Monday.
Me 37,W37 D8,D5 T20 years, M13 years BD-5/14 MC starts (continues)-9/14 EA discovered-10/14 Piecing(?)-11/14-5/14 "I just feel 'done'"-5/15 Trial S (I moved)-6/15/15
I want to go check her texts right now. Near obsessive levels. Posting here instead. Lawd hold me back!!!!!
Me 37,W37 D8,D5 T20 years, M13 years BD-5/14 MC starts (continues)-9/14 EA discovered-10/14 Piecing(?)-11/14-5/14 "I just feel 'done'"-5/15 Trial S (I moved)-6/15/15
I want to go check her texts right now. Near obsessive levels. Posting here instead. Lawd hold me back!!!!!
What good would that do? What if you read some very detailed text of a sexual nature? Would that change anything? What if you saw nothing? What if you saw nothing because she had just deleted everything?
Bottom line is at the point you are in right now it is enough for you to know if an A is a deal breaker or not. If not, then do not worry about details because they will just hurt you. Trust me, from experience...a year can go by and you can still learn new things detail related. Time has a way of exposing all sorts of secrets.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Pilot, it's a control issue for sure. Need to know EVERYTHING so I can do SOMETHING. That "something" is what keeps me up at night. Trying to figure out what it is. When really there is nothing. So then I look for any thread to hold on to -- "It'll be fun to bang other girls", "Kids are gonna have so much fun decorating their new rooms at my pad", whatever. Any port in the storm. I hate to admit but suicide fantasies even have helped calm me. Not that I ever ever ever would, just the "comfort" that I COULD if it got too unbearable. Like I said, any port in the storm. But don't worry please I'm not suicidal.
Really decent right now though. Unless she's completely bamboozling me, all seems quite well. I'm giving her space. Hopeful unless I'm blindsided by some bomb drop. Which starts the circle of obsession again! Can't do anything about anything except me right now!!
Me 37,W37 D8,D5 T20 years, M13 years BD-5/14 MC starts (continues)-9/14 EA discovered-10/14 Piecing(?)-11/14-5/14 "I just feel 'done'"-5/15 Trial S (I moved)-6/15/15
Winhamm, not sure if the letter is an attempt at control. I do truly want to apologize, but not sure where the letter would head. I'm going to write it anyway as an exercise and see how it comes out. Then perhaps in therapy I'll read it if the context is right. Or maybe I shouldn't pick at a scab. She hasn't gone so far as to call it emotional abuse, and is that an idea that I want to put in her head?
Me 37,W37 D8,D5 T20 years, M13 years BD-5/14 MC starts (continues)-9/14 EA discovered-10/14 Piecing(?)-11/14-5/14 "I just feel 'done'"-5/15 Trial S (I moved)-6/15/15
So, the last days have had ups and downs. Mostly ups, things looking friendly and hopeful.
Wife went out of town for the weekend on a moms' vacation with other moms from school. Was happy for her, knew she would enjoy, and happy for a small break in the relationship.
Mother's Day was tricky, didn't want to do too much or too little (from the kids).
Had couples counselling today. Didn't go in to my emotional abuse too much, other than to say when it came up that I do think it was emotional abuse.
Both today, and when it came up last week, seems to stick with the wife a lot, and she said that she kind of even saw admitting that to herself as another "turning point" in terms of coming to terms with the relationship. She didn't say it in a positive way. In a way that was like "Oh yeah, I don't know (think?) that I can forgive him for this."
Therapist is great, not pressing for decisions but also doing the therapy thing of asking us to think about the future, where we might see ourselves. Also, sometimes when there is an impasse, separating for a bit might be the only thing that can unstick it.
So, I guess what I'm asking is... what to do now? Anything? I can tell that there's no "saying I'm sorry" for this. In fact when the therapist asks me to look at her and say it, I can see my wife kind of hardening against it.
Arrgh, so unsure, I know I need to just take a deep breath and disconnect... not sure how to do that right now. I'm not panicked, just sad and not sure whether to be hopeful or not.
Me 37,W37 D8,D5 T20 years, M13 years BD-5/14 MC starts (continues)-9/14 EA discovered-10/14 Piecing(?)-11/14-5/14 "I just feel 'done'"-5/15 Trial S (I moved)-6/15/15
Also, last Thursday before she left town, she originated talking about the relationship in a way that she rarely if EVER does. Said she was talking to one of her girlfriends about it, who also went through marriage troubles, and her friend say they were close, but they caught it in time. W got teary and said that she didn't know if we did. I tried not to, but teared up as well, and said that I didn't either. But I had hope, and would have hope until the love ran out.
Then I went to individual counselling feeling rather upbeat. She still has feelings, obviously. She isn't shut down.
Today it seemed bleaker for sure, although the word "reconciliation" was mentioned by her, if only in the context of trying to see the road of divorce vs the road of reconciling, and she just can't see either one.
Ugh, I know I am thinking about what she is SAYING way too much. I know I need to detach. Obviously I am not. Arrgh.
Me 37,W37 D8,D5 T20 years, M13 years BD-5/14 MC starts (continues)-9/14 EA discovered-10/14 Piecing(?)-11/14-5/14 "I just feel 'done'"-5/15 Trial S (I moved)-6/15/15
