For example: my hobby is golf. Passion is music (used to be a musician). But those two things she has pointed to as me having been selfish and putting them before her and the kids.
My choice is I want my family back. I want to be the man I was before my depression. I want to be the absolute best version of me. To be a phenomenal father for my two amazing children. Be confident again. Believe in myself again. I want her to know that I love her and that she is my number one priority but how do I show all of these things but detach?
Ultimately I want her to see and remember the real me. All she remembers is the me of the last few years.
When my my H walked out on me about four years ago, he said he was finished, it was over, that he was threw. It was set in stone. He showed no emotions towards me what so ever. I pleaded, begged and cried and the more that I did that, the further away he went. The more I talked about the relationship to him, the further away he went. Then finally, one day I was looking into his eyes and saw the coldness that he had for me, I said to myself it was time to detach. So I did. I did not respond back to his text messages immediately, unless they were important, like our D, he would leave a voice message and I took my time responding back. If I answered the phone, I made sure I ended the conversation. I kept the conversation short and to the point. And if I had to go to his place or he came to mine, I made sure I was dressed hot so he would notice and he did. After about a month, he noticed a change in me and liked it. And he was wondering what I was up too. If I was out by myself and he called, I made sure I answered my phone so he could hear the background noise. I did this several times. He saw how much stronger that I was becoming without him and I was drawing him back in.
However, I let him move back in after 7 months being separated without demanding that he seek help. His change only last a month if that. And now we are right back in the same place with the exception he is not having an affair, to my knowledge. This time he will have to seek therapy and some other demands that I have. He moved out this time by my request.
The point I am trying to make here, there's always hope. Believe in that. I still do.
If her reasons to want to split are that I wasn't there for her and the kids through depression than my 180s have to be the opposite of that.
So how do I detach yet still do 180s to show that they are my priority? I can't just disappear: that's why she wants the divorce. Because she felt abandoned.
I think in your case you can tell her that you understand that she wants a divorce however you are not giving up your kids and you are going to do everything possible to be the BEST DAD you can possibly be. And PROVE it by actions not words.
You are sorry that you were not there for her and your kids however you do not want to let that continue into the future. If she wants a divorce then that is fine however that will not stop your determination at being a great DAD.
Is there anyone that thinks she is actually going to really take some time to think and observe before making her final decision as she told me she would?
I'm going to be very, very frank w/you. There is no way for any of us to tell you that she's going to take the time to really think about what her final decision is going to be. She could easily go either way, but I'm leaning more towards her going for a divorce at this time. Now, my opinion could very well change as she progresses through her crisis, but for now...I say let her go.
If she raises the "divorce" issue again I think what Cadet advised you to say is excellent. You can't stop her from divorcing you, but you darn sure can be a supportive and great father to your children.
BEClem, there's always hope, but w/MLC, you have to prepare for the worse and hope for the best. Go back, think about the man you once were and that's the man you need find again. Dig deep for more patience because you are very early in the crisis and it's going to take a very long time for her to work thru it, if ever.
As for her comments about you not being there, well, they do like to rehash old stuff that bugged them at one time. It's time to put that record away and let's focus on the here and now. Actions, and I do mean, actions, speak louder than words.
It's time to take care of YOU and what you need to do to find your balance and be there for your children.
There's always hope and we can only hope that her heart and soul will soften and think about things...but you need to continue moving forward as if she may never return to you right now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think the problem is that you are thinking of this as a "final decision". There is no final decision. She wants a D right now. She may file. You may get divorced. But that still doesn't mean it's OVER. The point of this is not to get your W to stay - it's to make yourself into the person you want to be who is capable of having a successful marriage. Then, if it's with your current W, great. If not, you will still be a better person for the work you have put in.
