Yes, but it's been a while. My goal would be a weight, 225 lbs. that's what I was when I met the W. I got up to almost 300lbs. I'm in the 260's, but mostly from not eating and being depressed. I see a doctor and that is getting better. But the weight gain will come if I don't do something about it.
Okay today has been a good day. I have managed to stay away from Facebook, not contact, or even try to. The detachment thing is hard, but I know it's the right thing for me. The bad thing is I have to harden a little right now, it's the only way I can make it work to detach. I will continue to not contact and just keep myself up.
One other thing. I never stick to what I say, I always do the opposite. I said I would do this or whatever, and either I wouldn't do it, or I would do the opposite. Today I have managed to do what I said I would. I haven't caved into pressure. I've always felt weak, or unworthy in my life. I just thought I didn't matter, and no matter what I did, it was okay, because it was for me. It's so not true. If you don't stick to what you really are, you lose everything. I hope to gain that back, at least in the next few weeks.
I just can't give up on my marriage. I've gave up on myself time and time again. I didn't finish college, I have numerous health problems and won't address them properly, I suffer from psych issues and don't get enough help. I never follow through on anything, I always just half ass it, or try to talk my way out of it. But I literally keep pushing her, I'll stay away for a couple of days then have an episode and text her, and it's always about us, or why? I don't think I can control myself enough to actually not try and contact her. Her grandma has cancer they just found out. And all I want to do is be there for her, but I can't at all. If I even say anything it's just taken as being pushy, and it is. I'm trying to weasel my way back in. I honestly think I have burned all my bridges. She said today, we can't be saved, I need to just move on, she's sorry, but she doesn't see a future with us. And of course I just push a little to far. I'm a control freak, and I have no control right now. I have to get a new place to live, can't find anything that will take my dogs, German shepherds, and it's really got me down. I am just hoping to find anything at this point to live in. It feels like everything is just going down the drain. I apologize for never listening to the advice on this board. It's always my way or it's just plain wrong. Obviously that's not the case. I just want to be happy in life. I know I can be, but everything just looks so bleak right now.
I don't want to give up on my family. But I can't get out of my own way. I haven't done anything or contacted her, but all the past stuff is killing me. I just wanted her to see that I needed her. I just didn't know how to do it right. I can only imagine how she felt, and now there is nothing. She's totally just moved on.
Today she texts and says "nothing is changing for me, I am happy right now with how things are." So that means I need to back off even more, but does it mean I need to give up?
Backing off, giving her space and time, doesn't mean you are giving up. It's allowing her breathing room to figure things out for herself. It also gives you time to take care of yourself and focus on what you need to do to continue moving forward.
Getting the hang of detachment takes a long time to learn. Once you learn how to detach, you'll notice that you won't react to her behavior or her comments like you've been doing. But, it takes time to get the hang of it and you will as you travel this road.
You aren't alone in trying to figure things out. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I just really miss my W, not what she is but what she was. It's been way too long of walking these tight ropes. I'm not giving up though. I can't give up, I gave up on everything in my life. I'm going to back off, if it takes me throwing my phone in the lake. I will have 5 days in a row of no contact, if I don't break. God please help me stay the course.
Side note I found another thread from a while back. It was a man that has gotten cancer and was near the end. It made me think about what's really important in life. It also, made me think what am I really upset about right now. No matter what happens, you have to think to yourself, it could be worse. It could be something life threatening or worse. Just something to think about.
I'm not a vet Roid, but have read a lot on here over the past two months but will chime in.
Things can always be worse, much much worse, but that doesn't mean that your situation isn't a living hell for you. Acknowledge that and then start taking some action man.
You keep saying that you gave up on everything your life. I'd say that today is the first day that you never say that again and start taking really good care of yourself. Don't give up on yourself especially now in the worst of times. This is when you need yourself the most. This is also the time that if you do take care of yourself, you can look back with the most confidence.
I got sober the day my W walked out and have stayed that way for my entire ordeal. I KNOW that I can handle regular life as a sober person since I've done it through hell. I had a therapist the other day say, "you do realize that having your W walk out drives more men to become alcoholics, drug addicts, and sex addicts than anything else and you've gone the other direction?"
Make a commitment to start taking care of Roid. No matter what your W does. Even if it's just eating better and going for walks. Every act of self care is like putting a penny in a jar. At first it's nothing, but if you keep doing it and keep doing it and keep doing it, soon you've got something.
Detaching is a roller coaster of hell man, no lies. You can either ride it, or stand by the side of it and get in shape, get healthy, get strong, and turn yourself into a man you're proud of no matter what your W does.
We're all right here with you, hating every minute of our situations and wishing they never happened. But everyone will tell you the same thing - the time is going to pass whether you use it to your advantage or not.
Start using it to your advantage. You've got 5 days to workout, eat well, journal, get help, talk to friends, and more.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
