Dazed and Confused

[Tulo]

So sorry to read your story Justin.. I do think you were right in asking her to leave though. Maybe that can get her to wake up.

But then is the tricky part, I think, that even if she would come back, can you trust her? I think it can be rebuilt but then I think transparency is the key..

All my fingers crossed for you, keep venting and I'm sure you'll get great advice from the more experienced busters than I.

[Bob723]

Thanks, Bob. Just knowing someone read through my story means a lot. I've read through a lot of yours as well. Glad you're still hanging in there!

You're welcome. My pleasure. That is why we are all here.

I see that Sandi posted and had a very keen observation. My wife has MS, accused me of being smothering (I did get over-protective) and she simply walked away. She told me these things after she filed for D 6 months ago. Weeks ago, she mentioned she "wants her life back and doesn't want to have to answer to anyone/worry about other people's issues." Sort of sounds like your wife but I am positive there was no OM. My wife went to stay with her Mom 3 1/2 hrs away. I think what really got to my W was that her Dad passed away in Dec 2013. So, I think Sandi is on to something here:

"Has something major happened recently to a family member, a friend, or something that could have influenced her into thinking she had to live as though this might be her last day?"

I wish you well.

Bob

[Archer1]

Sandi! Thanks for offering your assistance.

My wife and I are both 30 (her birthday is actually next month, but for the sake of argument she's 30).

She grew up with both of her parents and two sisters. She moved to the states when she was 3 and has lived here ever since. All of her family still live in another country except for one of her 2 sisters and her parents. Her parents are together but I know they've had a rough marriage. Her mother was an alcoholic and she tried to commit suicide. Both of her sisters, the one here in the states and the one in another country have been married and divorced.

They are not a very religious family at all.

Her grandma (98 years old) passed away a few weeks ago in her home country. Also, her mother has been staying there for the past 6 months and has decided she's going to stay for good. She informed her husband that he needs to sell the house and move home with her ASAP.

They were never a close family. No I love yous were ever said etc.

I've checked out your newcomer LBH thread and read through almost every page. It's helped out a lot, but I'm still not sure on what my next step is.

Thank you for taking the time to help a stranger out.

-J

[Archer1]

Also, good God NC is hard...

[rob123]

Welcome to the board, Justin. There are times where I read stories (again, we are only getting one side of the story, granted) where I just shake my head and wonder what the heck is wrong with some people? I've always found it terrifying the lack of remorse that some people have about their actions and the impact those actions have on others in their lives.

I'm not saying this to completely blame your W for everything that is going on, as there is always 2 in a R/M, but it seems as if your W simply does not care about how her actions impact you. There are 2 confirmed A.

The question, from an outsiders at this point, is why would you want to be M to someone that has no regard for your feelings in this manner? I know that is a rhetorical question as we all have been hurt by our partners in our R/M here. I sometimes wonder how others could forgive their partners for how they treated them, then I read my sitch and realize that it's easy to judge when it's not your own R.

I'm positive that asking her to leave is a start in the right direction. I also think that enforcing that boundary is the key.

I wish you the best!

[Archer1]

You're right. This is only my side of the story. I know I have done my fair share to get this M/R off track and I'm beginning to accept that.

And you're also right in saying it seems as if she doesn't care about how her actions impact me. Both times I have caught her with internet evidence and confronted her. I asked both times, "were you going to tell me?". And both times the answer has been no. She says sorry, but it feels empty. I don't think she's shed a tear throughout all of this.

I don't think I can answer your last question. I don't know why I want to be with someone that's hurt me and continues to do so. I love her. I love being with her. I love us together. But I guess if that love is one sided it will never work.

No kids in the picture... I'm just wondering if I should cut it off, lick my wounds and move on.

[Archer1]

I just read the two descriptions on 'The Dance of Pursuit and Distance'.

These described the both of us to a T! I am the Pursuer and she is the Distancer. I couldn't believe how accurate those descriptions were.

[Archer1]

Rob, I replied to you but it doesn't seem to have gone through... I'll give it a few before I re-type my reply.

[Archer1]

Update: Wife texted me

My parents are coming down this weekend (they live about 9 hours away) and they're staying with me. Here are the texts, I hope I handled it well. Also, our 1 year anniversary is in a few weeks and we had a trip planned to Orlando.

W: When do your parents get here and how long are they staying?

M: I just asked but no reply yet. I think they get here Friday night and are leaving Monday morning.

W: Okay. I'll let you decide how you want to handle telling them our situation. I'm not going to tell mine until it's all over. I'd rather not worry them.

W: Also, do you have any interest in going to Orlando? Even if it's not with me?

W: I would still like to go, but that could be a terrible decision.

M: I don't know right now. I haven't thought about it

W: Alright

[sandi2]

Thanks for the information, it helps give a better picture.

We can't make people love us. All we can do is become the most attractive (not just in looks) as possible, and the best person we can be. If that is not good enough or isn't what our spouse wants, then why chase after them?

The wayward wife wants to feel free and live a little wild or risky, compared to maybe their former behavior. If you want to attract her, you cannot initiate contact. Almost anything you do, at this point, will appear as pursuit. That is the biggest thing that turns off a WW, for her H to pursue her. She likes for other men to hit on her, just not her H.

Even if she contacts you, you cannot afford to show your excitement or too much interest in her or she'll turn away more. It's really crazy, but you can't treat her like she's your wife, and I doubt you would take that stuff from just any girlfriend. Am I right?

So, no contact right now. Next, protect yourself financially! This girl will ruin you b/c she's already said she doesn't care. Take it as a warning. Get yourself covered and separate your accounts, CC's, property, etc. It wouldn't hurt to seek legal advice, just to know where you stand.

Get a life! That means to make new friends, go places, get involved, and get a new social life. None of this should include her friends or part of her life. GAL is key to getting through this pain. You may have to shove yourself out of the door, but do it for your sake. Do not wait around hoping she'll show up.

She must taste life without you in it. She must see you unavailable to her. You can't rescue her, be there for her, if she reaches out.