I've been reading a lot of your guys' stories and felt the need to tell my own and seek advise.
I don't know if I can tell as good a story as the rest of you folks, but here goes.
My wife and I's 1 year anniversary is in 2 weeks. Prior to getting married we were together for 3 years (living together all 3). We have no kids but we do have 3 dogs. We've moved around a lot for my job, but she's never expressed any disapproval with the moves and has always landed on her feet. A few months after our last move she got a new job. This new job offered up many new opportunities for her. One of which was an affair with another man. I found out 3 months after it had been going on. I did not handle the news well. I violated every one of Sandi2's rules (even though she hates when people say they broke her "rules").
She said the affair was over and that she was ready to work on the relationship again. She agreed to a lot more transparency in her actions. She did not like the transparency at all and it quickly faded. Basically, I let her back way too easily.
About 6 months go by and we get married (she was always against marriage and I had never pressured her to change her stance). She's the one that asked if I would like to get married, so I thought he11 yeah!
In her current position, she's been going on a lot of business trips. During one of her most recent trips she was very distant in her communication with me. No good nights, no I love yous, completely out of the norm for us. So I got suspicious and I caught her in a lie on 4/24/15. I waited until she got home and confronted her with the lie. When confronted she said, "I think we should get a divorce" and that she had met someone else while out of state.
I had a feeling something was going on before I confronted her and that is when I found this site. When she told me she wanted a divorce and that she found someone else, I did not cry, beg or anything else that is frowned upon. I said something along the lines of, "Alright, if that's what you want then we can do that, but know that's not what I want". Then I asked her if she would want to go to couples counseling and she agreed. We went and she was still set on the big D.
It has been very awkward at home. No speaking. No touching. No nothing. I have stopped contacting her throughout the day like I would normally do. It's been radio silence for about a week now. Very difficult for me.
Yesterday I told her that I think she should find a new place to stay. She said "ok" without even looking up from her iPad.
One of the reasons she said she wants out is because she wants to live like next week is her last week on earth and she doesn't want to have any responsibilities. She wants to do what she wants when she wants and doesn't care about being in debt or anything.
I don't know if I made a mistake in asking her to leave because I do still love her. My thought process was along the lines of, she has no respect for me as a man and I need to stand up for myself. Stop being a doormat! I'm pretty sure the affair is still going on through email, even though she agreed to NC.
I love my wife a great deal, but after these two affairs I don't know if I could ever take her back.
Part of me thinks I should cut my losses and start my new life, but another part wants to work through all of this.
I've read Sandi2's rules, the detachment thread, and a lot of other info on here and I'm starting to GAL (really did not have one during the relationship).
Sorry this is all over the place, it's the way my thought process is working at the moment. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
M30 W30 Married: 1 year Together: 4 years No kids 3 Dogs
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry this is all over the place, it's the way my thought process is working at the moment. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hello,
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I understood your post - no need to apologize. I think it's fair to say that many of us on this board have thoughts bouncing thru our mind.
Your W is being extremely selfish and you do bring up an excellent point. After 2 affairs, can you ever trust her again? I know that many couples have made it through infidelity but it's not easy.
If you decide you want to work on your M, then do it. Don't let friends, family, etc. influence you, even though they mean well.
For now, I'll defer to the vets on this forum.
I'll dedicate a prayer to you tonight, Justin.
For now, try to take care of yourself by getting as much rest as you can, eating right, etc. And, keep up the GAL!
Take care.
Bob
Last edited by Cadet; 05/06/1501:05 PM. Reason: Edit - for user protection
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I forgot to mention, I did buy and read most of the Divorce Busting book. A lot of good info there.
Justin,
That's a good start!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Not much to add but wishing you the best. it sounds like your W is being selfish, but that's how it usually goes around here. Take this opportunity to improve yourself and you will be ok.
I am so sorry to hear about your story. That is tough and i really feel for you. Stay strong and keep reading DR. Its a great book and keep it next you at all times. DR is for you and only you.
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
I plan on taking a long walk with my pup after work today. Going to try and schedule it so I'll be out when she gets home. I'm always home waiting on her after work, so actually getting out of the house is one of my 180s tied in with my GAL.
I know I can't take it back now because it would just make me look weak and most likely cause her to lose even more respect for me, but what do you guys think about me asking her to get a new place to stay?
I'm hoping she realizes that you have to have responsibilities. Having to pay her own bills and worry about everything on her own (including her two dogs) should do the trick I think.
Who knows...
M30 W30 Married: 1 year Together: 4 years No kids 3 Dogs
Hi Justin, I personally think you made the right move in asking her to leave. This woman didn't even bother to discuss the MR, or tell you she wasn't happy or anything that most W's would do. She didn't even try to blame you with anything, which is highly unusual, for a WAW.
Here's the thing, she is completely wayward in her behavior and frame of mind. She makes no bones about her intentions to live wild.....and to blazes with the price tag. She has already had two A's (that you know about) in a very short time. All in all, the outcome must look pretty dark.
First of all I want you to know that I am very sorry for you pain. It is difficult to understand what happens to some people that makes them turn into someone you don't know anymore. Let me ask a few questions, okay? What are the ages of you and your W? What kind of home environment did she have growing up? (divorced parents, abuse, infidelity, very religious, etc.). Has something major happened recently to a family member, a friend, or something that could have influenced her into thinking she had to live as though this might be her last day?
If you haven't read it yet, check out my thread on help for newcomer LBH'S with a wayward wife.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
