Well guys it's really just over. I feel bad for my kids. They shouldn't have to go through this, but we did what we did, and no changing it. I can't say I don't want something else, something that's better. But I feel like I'm giving up on my kids. It will get better with time. And hopefully I can pull myself out of this funk.
I don't know if it's right or wrong. I've been detaching lately. I haven't contacted or really responded to anything she has sent me, outside kids. Hasn't been much anyway. But I have been talking to another woman. She is single, has a 9 year old, and we get along well. It's helping with the detachment, but I still feel like I'm doing something wrong or need to hide it. Even though she has done the same, and hid it from me. Should I feel bad for being flirty with another woman? Or just let it be, and get my groove back?
My beliefs are what's messes up right now. After some thought though, the flirting isn't bad, helps to build confidence which I need to have. Taking it any further than that is just stupid. My belief in that is, that's just not right. But I feel into those traps before, I have little self control. It's always gotten me into trouble. I'm trying to work on that, but slip up every once in a while. Now if I'm ever in a committed relationship again, I know that flirting and being that way is not right. But for the old one the damage is done. Can't do anything about it but move forward.
I have my very big downsides, but I just want to be loved and love in return. I'm always so scared of being hurt or being left alone, that it just breeds my insecurities to such a high level. I basically ruined something good over this, how can I fix it? That's what I keep asking myself right now. And there is not an answer out there, because you can't fix everything. Sometimes once it's broke, it's broke, no glue, no tape, no nothing is going to fix it.
I have to fix me. I still haven't learned enough lessons in life. I'm going to do my best to detach from W, have started somewhat, backslid a little today. But I'm not going to give up all hope. I am to fixated on the intimacy in a relationship, and until I battle that demon, I'm never going to get anywhere. I need to face facts, I flirted, I tried to pick up, and I was not happy at home with what I was getting.
That doesn't mean I'm all bad, or that I am too worse off to change. It means that I need to really switch over to me right now. Keep looking in the mirror until I'm happy one day. I'm overweight, out of shape, have a bad back, depression issues, abandonment issues, sexual issues, anger issues, anxiety issues, and the list could go on. I am focusing on the sexual issues right now, then I can pick something else to work on. Of course while doing that I need to lose weight and get in shape. My problem is I feel like a failure, not only to my family, but to myself. If I me that attitude, I'm only going to lose my mind, and end up somewhere. I might be a failure today, but it doesn't mean I am one tomorrow or the day after.
I have been porn free for 33 days now. Nothing over a month. But I can't seem to pull myself out my no energy funk. So not even exercising. I have to start, I just need to do something. I don't even go out anymore. I haven't been around friends or family for months. I want to go watch a movie, but I don't because I have no one to go with.
Here's my deal. The porn, was like cheating on her. I literally had an affair on my wife. Then to top it all off. One of my best friends wife's starts to hit on me after separation the first time. I take off with it, get her to send me a picture. The friend finds out, she has tons of guilt, and she tells my wife what happened. I don't know if I ever would have said something either. I never imagined I would ever do this kind of stuff. I lost my friend, my W, and my sense of self worth.
The guilt and shame is killing me inside. I can only imagine how the W feels right now. I so badly want to save my marriage, but it's just not possible after all of that. Then I look at myself and say how could you do that, I have no self control what so ever. I am so ashamed of myself right now. All through the R, it was me making stupid choices, and it finally caught up to me. I can turn it all around, but I almost feel what's the point. My kids are the only thing making me tic right now, and it's just not enough.
