Woot. I was "rookie of the month" for April. Second time in my 6 months. Now I "graduated" and am not a rookie anymore. My training coach that supports me for my first 6 months told me last Friday he has never seen someone come so far so fast. Oh, and that's backed up by a paycheck bigger than I've received in my entire life.
Just thought I'd share some good news. Now it's a new month and things are starting slow. I'm super stressed and anxious. Everything is going well, but until I'm 1-2 years into this job and have enough history to really feel like I'll be able to keep it up I can't help but be anxious. If you look at my goals, many of them require serious cash. Money isn't everything, but killing it at work will make my quality of life better, and open the doors to a place where my kids have their own rooms, I can get a pool table, a car big enough to take them on trips, and just be more at ease. Also, when I'm ready to find the right woman, I want to be able to take care of her (whether she wants to work or not, I'd like to be able to celebrate half birthdays with new yachts )
Anyway, I really appreciate the support, positive feedback for the things I'm doing right, and compassion and sensitivity for the areas I'm still putting back together.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
You know what's even better? I'm truly having fun. I am a territory salesman for a big national bank, and cover a lot of miles. Today I had two appointments about 1.5 hours south of where I live, and tomorrow morning at 9AM I have another appointment in a town around the same area, so I just booked a hotel.
Hey, no kids tonight, so I can just stay here.
So I check into the hotel, get some work done, then I'm surfing DB forums for a while. I go out for a walk to grab a little gas station cold sub dinner and I'm walking down the street and I just got so happy. It's nice out, I'm walking on green grass.
And my job is B2B sales, I started seeing other businesses I've worked with, and then I saw the business I'll be meeting with in the morning. And I'm just so happy because I've got this cool job. Shoot, I dropped out of college after 1 semester, I thought I'd be driving a fork lift my entire life. And that's no offense to people that work manually, but I'm just glad I have a job that taps my competitive nature.
Yes, I'm anxious because I haven't succeeded but that's what drives me to work hard. I always said to my sales staff "if you're worried, then I'm not worried. If you're NOT worried, then I AM!" You need to be engaged to perform.
But anyway, I just realize I'm having more fun in my life than I have since I was 18. The title is true.
Yes, I think of STBX daily. Everytime I feel good I think of her, almost like I'm testing a tender point to see if it still hurts. And you know what? Not much pain.
I want to describe this better so new posters know what lies ahead. I took my kids to the science museum a couple of months ago, and I was really talking up the "omnitheatre", this big dome that plays movies that's really cool. Unfortunately they were all sold out, so they told me about a fire demonstration that sounded cool. THAT show was cancelled. I was really bummed. I wanted to take them, it would've been great! But you know what? We were there, so we checked out other exhibits, hung out as a family, and had a great time anyway! THAT'S how I feel about the D. I'm not thrilled with the way this turned out. It's not what I wanted. I'm REALLY bummed I can't give the kids the life I wanted to and can't protect them from this destruction. But that's life, and I CAN teach them how to lead through adversity.
I will continue to stand because that's who *I* am. And it would be great if she chooses to step up to the plate, do a 180, quit drinking, take responsibility for her life, do some work, etc. I'm neither saying that's impossible or hoping that will happen. I am just pumped because I'm done playing the "percentage game".
I would love that miracle to happen, but I'm not expecting it, and I am totally prepared to finalize our D, accomplish my goals, continue to grow, and prepare myself for a great rest of my life. And hopefully someday in a couple of years I'll be ready to find the right woman. And I want to do everything I can between now and then so that when I am in an M with that woman I can give her the H she deserves.
Thank you DB for listening. You guys are a BIG part of the reason why I've been doing so well lately. Much appreciated.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Congratulations Zeus, it couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
You are amazing, what you've accomplished at work thru these troubling times and the support you give so many of us on this forum.
It doesn't seem to matter who's thread I'm catching up on -- there pops up a "Z" post. And, your advice is so good.
We are blessed to have you take such an interest in all of us.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
you mentioned another time that you W was also a neurotic mother. So did she drink then?
you probably have read that my W doesn't want to see the kids on mother's day. She didn't want to see daughter on her b'day either. I know teatime she was out with OM. Probably this time as well.
my point is that she seems to have done a180 on this since BD. ALSO, I suspect that maybe I made her this way. Maybe she was trying to show me what a good mother she was. Not that I imposed this on her. HOWEVER, 10 years ago when our dog was a 6 week old puppy, I went out for dinner and checked that she was going straight home after Uni. She was, but then when I called her at ~8PM, she was out shopping and hadn't been home yet. I yelled t her about being a good mum (i meant to the puupy).
One of the issues at BD I have repeated several times was like this. The worst thing I ever did to her was make one flippant remark, which she misinterpreted and internalised, and stewed on for years.
Anyway, neither here nor there really. Just wondering if maybe you also have considered that as part of your perception of an ideal M, your W tried to be the perfect mother. Their personality/disorder or ours. Again neither here nor there. A bad combination of personalities/disorders though.
That is how I am starting to see my whole M actually. 12 years ago when we met, the combination worked. (At least) 3.5 years ago - we dropped the ball and stopped even trying (together) to make it work. We grew apart and got stuck in a -ve feedback loop. And then ---- BOOOM!
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
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