Trying to get over all of this. I have a lot of issues deep inside. Below all the bullshit I've spewed out the last few months, I know what I want. The problem is I'm too late, too tired, and too overwhelmed to even think about it. I'm trying to get in to see a therapist I was once seeing last year, but haven't gotten a reply back yet. Going to have to really research that avenue more. It's going to be a very helpful tool moving forward.
I honestly don't know how we ever made it this far in our M, looking back at all the stuff I did, and she did. I'm just shocked that we have come this far. I was such a selfish utter jerk, I don't know if I can ever really love another human the way I am right now. She literally worked her tail off for the family, and I couldn't see it at all because my own needs were not being met. And I never stood up and said, hey I need something here to every once in a while. Instead I got mad, or went into fantasyland. I have a long way to go before I can ever realize what it truly means to be in a M.
I am on day 20 of no porn or masturbation. Trying to control that side of me. This has always been a problem. Last year I went almost two months with nothing and started again, going to make it stick this time. I'm really just feeling exhausted from everything. Trying to really see if I would even want to save my M, or if I eber really did anyway.
I believe part of me was gone long ago too, and it was just the thought of holding on, because I was scared to let go if anything. Scared of change, scared of new surroundings, and scared of being unable to make it on my own. I keep thinking I made it fine before, but things are a bit different yet. More debt, more bills, kids, a lot of stuff I didn't have before her. But I just don't have a choice in this matter.
The hardest thing I'm finding is getting the energy to just get out and do anything. The worst thing is letting go of the power that they have. I gave her the power the moment I messed up and she left. I still think, how is this going to affect her, what can I do to make her happy. What a vicious cycle that is. I know I can't make her happy, I want to totally shut my heart off like she has, and move on, but something keeps pulling me back in. Think about a future without and be fine one minute and freaking out the next. Normal behavior to a point, but it's totally got me wrecked. All I can do is keep telling myself, you have to do it.
I'm part of another forum for my addiction problem. It's really amazing how much of an issue that stuff really is around the board. So many people are having troubles in their M based on the addiction. I hope some day society figures out that this stuff is terrible, and needs to be dealt with. Just a side issue though. Had a good morning, but a rough night. Back to be alone for a few days, no kids no W. Just me and the dogs. They are good company though. Will listen to all my problems and solutions to said problems. Now if I could only get them to talk.
Just a lot of emotions last night. I'm getting to the point where I just want to give up totally. I have been in a loveless, unhappy marriage for the last three years. And I don't have the energy to fight anymore. I'm tired of her thinking it's all my fault. She still wants to be friends, even though I told her that would never work. Yesterday I was good then she texts that she was crying because D's cried after getting dropped at daycare. This is the first time in 4 months she has dropped at daycar, I have done it everyday before. And I have had to deal with the frying the fits, and not once did I ever text her saying I was upset. She wants to use me for emotional support, but yet not for anything else. I'm done with this rollercoaster. We both just need to move on. Sad thing is, when we moved back into together we signed a lease, and used a lot of our money on it. Now wee are broke and I can't even file for a D. So here I am just stuck in limbo even more.
I've been reading thru some forums lately. As a man, I must be honest with myself. I want another woman, I need another woman. After years of having the sexual and intimate connection, and now it's just gone. I see other men talking about dating and getting out. I know what it is. Men need that connection and look for it all the time for validation and for security. All we want is the closeness and feeling it gives us. I haven't had that for 2 years now, and a piece of me is missing greatly. But it's not the right piece and I'm not ready to do that yet. Yes I flirt with other women from time to time, but I'm thinking with my other brain so to speak. I don't like that.
I thought I needed another one quickly to fill the void I have, but really I need to be right. I could even hold onto a one night stand right now let alone another woman. And I would feel miserable afterwards anyway. I seriously just want this to be over so I can finally feel free to do what I want for a change. I'm still basing my actions off of W, and her reactions to it. The best I have felt was when she was gone and I got away for a while. Not having to see her bad moods and all the pain I caused her. I don't know how else to explain it.
For the second separation, I am going to need help to detach again. She texts something and I fall into the trap every time. I told her I can just be friends, like she suggested. I have to stop communication with her unrelated to kids or finances. But there is always something that sticks out. I think she is getting the idea though, that I will not be a friend. When she texts I should get in here and say what she said and how it made me feel. I keep saying that I am down with this all, but I can't give up. My kids deserve better, and we both deserve better. I know what I did wrong, and continue to do wrong. I'm trying to change myself, but it was all for her. I had no intentions for myself. That will change. I can't live like this. I can't live in fear of everything.
I hope that one day I can look back and say no matter what I did the right things. Even with the mistakes and lack of self control. I do believe in a higher power I may not go to church, but I oray often. I ask for guidance and signs of the right path to take. Tonight I will oray for the power to stop using messages as tools to get what I want. I'm totally not appreciating her space and wants right now. I'm tying to control her and her feelings and actions. I know I cant, but I can't stop either.
I am going to stop texting. No insisting contact. Today has been terrible. She finally said that it was the no touching, no intimacy that we had that has caused most of this. She feels ugly and ashamed. My porn addiction violated our marriage just like an affair, and I would have to agree. I cheated on my wife, with fantasy and a computer screen.
She has said that she doesn't think we can be happy together. She doesn't think she can work through this, and that she has too much other stress in her life to deal with it. She feels sorry for hurting me, and the girls. Her feelings are her feelings though, and I can't fault her for that.
Does this really mean it's over. Do I finally need to just throw in the towel, and say to heck with it. I'm going to my doctor today to figure out meds for me. I've got a lead for a therapist, just have to find the time to go. I keep telling myself to just give up, but I can't and really don't want to. Deep inside, I still have feelings for her. I just don't know if I can ever get over all of this with her.
How can I show her that I will be changing, and that I will be a better man. She doesn't even care anymore, no feelings for me at all. So lost, so frustrated at myself. Where can I possibly go from here?
I was recently reading over Sandi's post on wayward wife's. It doesn't apply to me so much. I have truly hurt and broken all trust with my W. She is pissed and just wants out. I don't want to give up, but what choices do I have. I know we are to focus on us, and stay away, but I really screwed up here. I never thought my actions would have so much hurt with them. I mean I cheated on my wife, in all terms of it. I acted in infidelity, and I don't how to live with that.
