Ripken - LRT with a WW and divorce filed #2

[Ripken8]

Question to the group, really need feedback and suggestions. I've heard the lrt is harder when separated and that to gain respect, I need to not leave my house, she should.

However in my sitch, ww isn't leaving house and legally trying to have me removed. Also she has been stonewalled the last 2-3 days so even in the house we never see/interact with each other and she's still having the om.

If I moved out or am forced to anyway, I almost feel that might be better. It seems like it'd be less stressful for me with no more anxiety about how to interact with her at home or having to be in separate rooms.

But, does it just makes matters worse? Leaving my house seemed like a big no-no on the boards. Would me being away for ww at least give enough breathing space for some of the constant negatives she's clinging on to to disappate?

It seems to be working for pilot, heavy d and a couple others who are separated.

[Sotto]

Hi Ripken, I left our home at BD, and I can't say I have any regrets. I couldn't have lived with H whilst he was having an A. And in hindsight, I'm glad that SS hasn't been disrupted with a house move either.

I think if you look at this from a 'saving yourself' perspective, S may well be a good option for you. Will it save or harm your sitch? Who knows - but I wouldn't make that your guiding principle right now - JMHO.

Others may well have different views as many are much more pro-staying than me.

Good luck with whatever you do decide.

[Cadet]

Question to the group, really need feedback and suggestions. I've heard the lrt is harder when separated and that to gain respect, I need to not leave my house, she should.

However in my sitch, ww isn't leaving house and legally trying to have me removed. Also she has been stonewalled the last 2-3 days so even in the house we never see/interact with each other and she's still having the om.

If I moved out or am forced to anyway, I almost feel that might be better. It seems like it'd be less stressful for me with no more anxiety about how to interact with her at home or having to be in separate rooms.

But, does it just makes matters worse? Leaving my house seemed like a big no-no on the boards. Would me being away for ww at least give enough breathing space for some of the constant negatives she's clinging on to to disappate?

It seems to be working for pilot, heavy d and a couple others who are separated.

Have you spoken to a lawyer and what does he say to do?

[Ripken8]

I have and will be talking with her again today. She said it really wouldn't matter either way. I don't want the house, she can't afford the house, so it will be sold either way.

Also, if I fight to stay and she can't take it and she leaves, I'm suck in a house with horrible memories of affairs, etc and that's not healthy for me. I think I need someplace new to process, GAL, etc.

I still have plans of dragging my feet on the divorce, but to temporarily move out, I think would be best.

Another question. I've heard that when the ww asks for a divorce, you should validate my saying, I understand that's what you want and I won't stand in your way. Shows you are respecting her wishes.

Since her wish is for me out of the house, should I take the approach of "I can't do this anymore and I need to leave for me" or "I understand this is what you want and I won't stand in your way"?

I'm guessing the first, because then it shows, I'm dropping her and making a move vs. being a doormat.

[Winhamn]

Purely from a dealing with an affair standpoint, you should NOT leave the house.

From a legal standpoint, you need to talk to your L about what steps you should take prior to leaving.

From a saving yourself standpoint, please remember what Michelle repeats in the books many many times: YOU MUST HAVE PATIENCE

[Winhamn]

You should ask yourself "am I doing things based on her actions?" and if the answer is yes, she is in control of you and you need to detach so you can live your own life.

Let me just hit you with the 2x4: You are not thinking clearly right now. Do not make any life changing decisions until you have centered yourself.

[Ripken8]

How does not leaving the house help with the affair standpoint? Again, if I stay and she can't take it and leaves, I'm left in a house I don't want to stay in anyway - too many bad memories and we'd sell it anyway, even if by some miracle we BOTH decide we want to make things work.

Also, I think it's damn near impossible to think clearly while I'm there. We were separated 3 years ago - I moved out and I felt better. Also, she was able to have time away from me to see that not everything negative is on me.

Michelle also says to try things and evaluate if they are working. I'm not sure with her stonewalling, still having the affair, legally wanting me out and me being overly stressed/anxious that it is working.

As she builds up this resentment with me there, how does it get better?

[Ripken8]

Please guys, can use all the suggestions and help you have on whether moving out would be ok or good.

If it's based on what helps me be the best me, not sure staying in the place while she disrespects me with the affair and stone walls me is healthy. Space could help me get/remain centered.

If i's about finances, going to have to pay her some $ anyway you slice it. She's not keeping the house and selling it anyway. I don't want it, so staying there only makes those next couple months/year really tough.

If it's about our relationship, not sure how it gets better when we're both triggered by the other constantly, whether that person is there or not.

If it's about the kids, right now, we both are almost competiting on who ges to spend time when, because we don't and can't do it jointly. Seperation would at least have this more black/white.

What are your thoughts? Does it help to move out?

[Wonka]

Rip,

If I were you, I'd hold off things until speaking with your L today. You just don't have all of the facts to make educated decisions.

Again, lay low and do your thing.

[Ripken8]

So, let's say my l says that my ww will drop that and let me stay in the house. Would you still stay?

If she won't drop it and we have to battle for it/go to a hearing, is that worth it?