Ripken - LRT with Wayward Wife and Divorce Filing

[Ripken8]

This validating thing is new and I thought I was supposed to gal and not worry if she has to "babysit the kids". Plus as pissed as she got in two seconds, I almost feel that validating would have been felt by her as me mocking her or manipulating her, all things she's accused me of the last couple months.

I even went back to see if there's something we could work out to where we could both go (something i regret now because it seems weak) but she wanted no part of that. Feels like she seems convinced to make my life worse now and would rather do that.

[Winhamn]

Feels like you are aiming at the wrong target. Start thinking like a beginner....

First, you are getting closer to the "complaint is content free" concept.

"I even went back to see if there's something we could work out to where we could both go (something i regret now because it seems weak) but she wanted no part of that. Feels like she seems convinced to make my life worse now and would rather do that."

So, now look back at that sentence and think "What if she wasn't really complaining about having to watch the kids"????

Do your thoughts make more or less sense of the situation if you consider this had nothing to do with watching the kids.......?

Secondly, GAL means just that, Get A Life. It doesn't mean stressing about her getting mad over watching the kids (Oh by the way, remember that's not what she's upset about). It means Getting A Life. And if you have a life, you'll be more centered and more capable of validating her feelings, which is an incredibly important step in improving your communication with your spouse.

If you really think you will reconcile, you need to learn how to effectively communicate with her.

[Ripken8]

Was not making sense to me so I had to read the chapter in the book. Essentially, the premise is that when a woman complains, normally it's not about literally what she's saying (content) but what that means or represents to her.

So when I said "just so you know I have plans wed night and won't be home after work. She never got a chance to even explore leaving herself or talk with me. Just was told this is the way it is and you can deal with it. That has been a complaint of hers in our relationship previously. That it was all about me and what I wanted and she felt guilted into staying with the kids and never doing anything. That has definitely not been the case over the last 6 months when she comes and goes as she'd like, but I'm assuming her reaction was a trigger to that.

So I went back just know and validated her. I said "looking back just now I didn't realize u were considering something we'd night too. I didn't ask or even give you a chance to tell me, I just sprung it I you and it was apparent that upset you. I can understand why you would have been angry about that. It wasn't my intent to just stick you with something and I could have done a better job in delivering that message. I could have told you I had plans and seen if that would be a problem. Going forward I will do that and it's my hope we can be respectful of each other and communicate that way so neither of us feels like we're just being told what is happening."

She said thank u and I said the same.

It felt good, but do u guys think that's a sign of weakness/loss of respect? Trying to balances all of these techniques and know what to use when is hard!

[Winhamn]

Don't overthink it.

I'm of the opinion better late then never, but it's 1000 times more effective if you can get it right the first time.

Consider including that as one of your marriage goals.

So does "Her complaint is content free" make sense to you? Can you imagine other times where your interactions with her may have made more sense if you considered that?

Would you respond differently knowing "her complaint is content free"?

[Winhamn]

I said "looking back just now I didn't realize u were considering something we'd night too. I didn't ask or even give you a chance to tell me, I just sprung it I you and it was apparent that upset you. I can understand why you would have been angry about that. "

You might have stopped right here. That would have allowed her to respond and share her feelings with you.

By steamrolling ahead, you turned a conversation into a monologue. I do this too. It's hard to stop. You have to be comfortable NOT controlling the conversation. Awkward silences are ok.

It wasn't my intent to just stick you with something and I could have done a better job in delivering that message. I could have told you I had plans and seen if that would be a problem.

You repeated yourself several times here. The "I could have done a better job" bit is golden though. Everything else is fluff.

forward I will do that and it's my hope we can be respectful of each other and communicate that way so neither of us feels like we're just being told what is happening."

Stop talking and start showing her.

[Ripken8]

Yeah. It does make sense. Really trying to go underneath the surface of what she's saying to understand how that would make her feel. I get tunnel vision on trying to justify time away or watching the kids, she really her complaint of never even being asked if it would be an issue or having the opportunity to do something else goes unaddressed.

While she's having an affair and I have a boundary that I can't be her friend, I still need to respect she's the mother of our children and be open communicating about each other's schedule, so we both are able to do things.

I'm learning that me gal doesn't mean that she is stuck with it and now her opinions or things she would want to do are irrelevant and a lower priority than my needs.

Just that I need to gal for me and not take it so personally as she continues to pursue the life she's wanting right now, apart from me.

[Ripken8]

Winham, thanks for the breakdown. I do monologue and speech, not a conversation is it? That was my first time attempting validating and looks like I going to need all the help I can get.

In any case it was different, a 180, so it should have some impact and if not consistently doing it and letting my actions back it up, will.

[Winhamn]

Different is good.

It was also a much more functional way of communicating.

Hang in there.

Everything is easier if you can center yourself.

[Ripken8]

I'm trying to. Today seemed like a tough day with with the support of the forum I was able to get through it and get better.

-I was served divorce papers, but meeting my attorney tomorrow so they can handle it and won't think about it any more
-I went to her fb page and saw comments from om calling her "baby". Decided to unfriend her and connected with a couple new friends on fb now
-Rather than being silent and cold, creating an uncomfortable home, I was able to treat her as a neighbor not a wife or friend and be cordial. Answering questions and then going back to the convo with my kids
-I announced a gal activity and it set my ww off. I was able to learn complaints without content and how to validate not apologize or fix to understand the problem beneath the surface of what she's saying

All and all, with every tough situation, you guys not only helped me survive but gave me tools to empower me and help me be a better me. Thank you so much.mi have no idea where I'd be without all of u!

[Ripken8]

Update. She cam in to my room before work and apologized for getting so pissed last night. She didn't go into detail why, but said that its one of those things where we're going to have to work together. Thanked her for her apology and told her I agree that we should communicate better.

She then said that she was thinking of going over to her best friends place after work but wasn't sure because she wasn't feeling well.

Told her I was sorry to hear she's not feeling well and not a problem if she wants to go to her friends.

She said thank u.

Not sure what to think. Don't want to feel this is monumental progress, but her coming in an initiating the conversation and apologizing and then communicating how I discussed last night is a big difference from how I felt it would go right after I asked.

Looks like Winhamm was on point. Her complaint had no content. It wasn't about watching the kids or me going out. It was about her having an opportunity to do the same and being asked/discussing with her vs. just telling her. That seems to be diffused . . .