RealMe. Please, please don't despair. And please call someone who you can talk to today. Yes, you slipped up, and yes you ended months of sobriety. But you are on a difficult path - both in terms of your marriage and in terms of alcohol. I truly understand this. But that doesn't mean that your marriage is over. It doesn't mean that your days of sobriety are over. And please don't let it mean that your life is over.
Whilst these might seem like dark days, there is always hope and you can do this. Tomorrow can be the start of months and years of sobriety if you want it to be. You can move forward and ultimately live a happy and fulfilled life - however things turn out for you and your marriage. All of this is ultimately within your gift my friend. There is help and support waiting for you to reach out, so please do that.
Take care RealMe and please post to let us know you are doing okay...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
RealMe we are all here for you. I know what you are dealing with in sobriety department. I am a recovering alcoholic. Been sober a long time. I would be glad to listen and help in anyway. Tomorrow is a new day and anything is possible! These people here can help. They are great support!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I am sorry to read you are in a dark place right now. Breathe and the darkness will pass over you. I promise you that. Just breathe, that's all you have to do. I know it feels hopeless and you are are ashamed about the drinking but there is a bright spot just around the corner. What is that song - It's always darkest just before the dawn. It's true my friend.
Suicide is never the way out, it just creates more pain. I know you don't want to do that, isn't that right RealMe? You just want to get out of your pain, I know that, I have been in your place, in your shoes, right where you are.
Please call your doctor and tell him/her about you thoughts of self harm. They can help you, and help get you stabalized.
Please do this for me? For all of us here on the DB Board who care very much about you?
These seem like dark times, because they are. You are going through a hell like no other. Life is messy. Life is hard. Sometimes, life seems just so damn overwhelming.
But I urge you, to think about your children. Think about your w. Think about your parents, friends, everyone in your life who cares about you.
Taking your life will change them. So deeply. In ways you can't even imagine. I speak from first hand experience. My grandfather committed suicide two years ago. My life hasn't been the same since. Literally, my life and how I approached it/reacted to it? Can be measured mark ably in the day before he ended his life, and the day after. His children? Deeply affected as well. It's not something we will ever get over.
I urge you to call someone and talk to them. Go to the ER and tell them your thoughts. Go to a AA meeting.
Regardless of what's going on -- your LIFE has VALUE. People LOVE YOU, and NEED YOU. You matter.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
I love you all for caring about me. I can't say it more sincerely.
I'm okay. I'm not a dramatic person, or an attention seeker- I assure you. I was very weak (and drunk) in the moment. I drove up and down the canyon looking for a good place to drive off. Then my daughter called to sing me 'Heart of Gold' before her bed time.... ..
Thank God for Neil Young and the pure love of six year old girls.
I read parts of DR last night to calm down. The part where MWD says that I'm a good person trying to do a noble thing and that there should be more people like me really helped.
Day one of sobriety starts again today. Day one of the rest of my journey trying to save my marriage starts again today.
Then my daughter called to sing me 'Heart of Gold' before her bed time......
Burn that song and the thoughts of your D into your memory. Go to that place if you ever go thinking down that path again. Always remember your children need you, even if you are in a bad place now, they still need you in their lives.
Please still speak to someone about what happened so they can help you more. You never want to be in that position again.
Good job on the sobriety, keep moving forward. If you backslide again with that just learn from it and move on, we all make mistakes.
Also, don't focus on saving your marriage right now, focus more on saving yourself. The best way to save your M is to save yourself.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
*Back on track. I've re-read all of your messages and I can't tell you how appreciative I am. I went to AA yesterday- and got a lot of support from strangers there as well- Day 3 Sober I apologized to my father in law, and he accepted it very graciously. I also apologized to my wife. We spoke for about 5 minutes and have had no contact since.
Even after my fall off the DB (and sobriety) wagon this weekend she says she wants to see if we can be healthy together. That's huge-it took over two months to get that instead of 'definite divorce', and my actions this weekend could have sabotaged that. I suppose my only problem is my reaction to how she wants to do this- still separated, still blaming me for everything, no acknowledgement of her own actions, colder, more distant than ever, with next to no contact.
At worst: She doesn't really want this but is saying she does. Could be many reasons - She IS in an A, didn't like how independently I was moving on in LRT, doesn't want the guilt of walking away so is trying to passively frustrate me to leaving, wants to punish me, etc.
At best: She is sincere, and I just have to accept that she has certain limitations right now.
My gut says to jump right back into LRT with no talk of future and even act like I'm moving on, but I truly don't want to throw away the progress. MWD doesn't go into 'piecing' too much in her books, so I think I'm going to do a lot of thinking, reading on this board, and really consider my next move carefully before I do anything.
I apologized to my father in law, and he accepted it very graciously. I also apologized to my wife. We spoke for about 5 minutes and have had no contact since.