I've been lurking on this board for awhile. I never intended on posting; but rather I was 'piggybacking' off of so many of you whose situations are similar to mine- reading your stories and benefiting from the responses. The challenge will be to say this concisely. So if it's not breaking the rules, maybe my first post will be how I got here, and the second will be what I've done. I know it's a lot to expect somebody to read, but honestly I think I'm doing this more to simply 'get it out' even if nobody responds. Well here goes...sigh......
*Married two years. Same age(35). 2nd marriage for both of us, each bringing beautiful kids to the mix. We both exited painful situations and fell madly in love as we represented the friendship, romance, safety, and hope we both craved. Married fast. Love of my life.
Neither of us were whole from our divorces,and our issues reared their heads fast.
Mine: Depression. Money. (My company crashed) Hers: Extreme anger. Alcohol.
Resolvable issues right? We loved each-other and wanted to make it work. We were both working hard temporally and emotionally being patient with the others' shortcomings- while loving the kids, 'grinding' out the hard parts of life so to speak, and trying to have a simple, enjoyable existence.
The problem was that arguments began turning into 'encounters', each one seemingly more severe. They'd start due to very valid issues, but go through the roof because of her anger- and my very poor reaction to it. Also, alcohol was involved in almost every single bad fight.
It culminated one night when she went off the rails, drunk on anger and alcohol. After hours and several unsuccessful attempts at disengaging her I called the police. I'll spare you the details. She had a breakdown. I did not want her arrested, I wanted to get out with my kids with no illegal contact. I lied to the police. Said she hadn't touched me- just wanted to avoid anything worse. Well, separate from me she was going off on an officer, and he said that based off her OWN account of the night they had to take her. She went to jail.
I had several people from 'her side' contact me wanting to know 'WTF?!' - so I wrote an email as not to have to have a bunch of phone or text conversations. In the email I tried to be honest about what had happened that night, and the pattern of volatility that had developed that they probably weren't aware of. She bailed out after awhile, and we legally couldn't have any contact for three days. Once we could, I received an email from her demanding that I move out, and that she intended on filing for divorce.
Many people wouldn't exactly call that a 'bomb' drop- but rather a 'No-sh*t Sherlock'. But the oddest thing happened. It was a bomb. My heart stopped beating. I died a little bit.
I knew in that moment I wanted to save it- and that's how this journey started....
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Cadet- It is quite creepy how many times I have used the links from your 'Welcome' message on other people's threads. I don't know who you are- but I can say from what I've seen that you're a very good person. It was never a doubt, but thank you for responding to me.
So I moved almost 3 months ago. After two weeks of very instinctual reactions on my part that were only driving her away I am ashamed to say that I came very close to ending my life. That night I purchased an online book. It really only helped in a few specific ways. However, I feel VERY fortunate to have found MWD's books the very next day at the bookstore. Reading her words were like she knew me and my situation personally. It felt like talking to a friend and her 'plan' is all-encompassing. I devoured both DB and DR w/o sleep that night. I felt tangibly, noticeably, better.
I had an explosion of positive energy, knowing I could 'tango' alone, and get us back onto the path. My very first 180 started in those first conversations that were about 'that night', and I think she must've looked at her phone to be sure she was on with the right person. I didn't remind her of her incredibly ugly behavior, I didn't blame, I didn't fight. I agreed with her extremely incorrect and in-denial recounting of how the night went. If anybody is curious, that's where the McDonald stuff helped - learning to agree with anything. Not from a standpoint of being a doormat, but from a place of security and strength. It saves your nerves and protects your pride and her's.
But everything else was DB'ing all the way- 180's and LRT's. I detached. Every time she saw or talked with me I put on an academy award winning performance- cool, relaxed, brief, light, happy, serene. Need me to get the rest of my stuff out? Sure, as soon as I'm out of this movie. Don't think it's a good idea that we talk this weekend? Fine, I've been wanting a weekend to go hiking. Set on divorce? I obviously prefer we work it out but I understand.
I also set about making some personal 180's. I stopped drinking entirely and started AA even though I drink 1/2 as much as her. I went to a new psychiatrist and physician and started a new depression plan- including supplements, a sleep schedule, and unconditional exercise and activity. I've lost over 25 lbs and have done more backpacking in national parks in 11 weekends than I had in the last 11 years. I started meeting with a different therapist who really helped me identify harmful patterns in my behavior in volatile moments, specifically my reactions when I'm 'hurt'. I've applied for more jobs than I can count and have had several good interviews.
Well after several weeks my efforts paid off. She admitted that she wants a divorce from what we are now, but doesn't want to give up on what we could be. She told me that she is feeling things for me like when we fell in love, and that she misses me. Hallelujah right?!
That brings me to where I am now. Ever since we agreed to take divorce off the table, progress has slowed to almost a halt. She asked how I wanted to proceed and of course I suggested goal setting- quietly using MWD's model of action oriented, non-complaining methodology.
We agreed to meet for a 'session' once a week. 1st session (wk6) She showed up with arms literally folded, telling me she doesn't believe I want it. Got mad after about 20 and stormed off. 2nd session (wk7) Slightly calmer- but had no intention of talking goals, just more about 'that night'. Abruptly ended session after 40 mins. 3rd session (wk8) Finally calm enough to set goals. Felt great! Said we'd start setting 'mini-goals' between sessions, but she then pulled a Houdini. 4th session (wk9), had her court appearance. I had spoken to the prosecutor several times on the phone assuring him I never wanted her to be arrested. Well, they declined to prosecute her with that and she avoided any assault charge and only faced a public intoxication thing that she can make go away with alcohol counseling. Think she was happy or grateful for my efforts? No. She unleashed a tirade of anger on me via text that I hadn't seen since day 1 of our separation. She said she had listened to my 911 call (which I think a poisonous friend of her's procured), and went back to rage and fight with no reciprocation from me. We didn't talk rest of week 10, spoke once in week 11...and here I am writing this.
We had this genuine breakthrough...and the contact and quality has just gone down the toilet since. I'm deflated. I'm defeated. My paranoia suspects maybe she's involved w somebody, even though she has calmly and sincerely said she isn't. My instincts want reassurance that she means what she says about wanting to be at the stage we are- but I know asking for that is pressuring her and pushing her further away. I fear that she really does want divorce but that this is some sort of game to 'smoke me out' until I capitulate and file it myself. I wanted so badly to be in 'piecing'- but we're there in word and not deed. We talk even less then we did when we were set on divorce and it 'hurts' worse than just hearing she wants to be done. I am at the point of giving her an ultimatum but shy away knowing that it took seven weeks to get her to say she doesn't want divorce. Internally, I am close to losing all of the precious 'gains' I fought for.
I know what I should do. I should be looking at everything I've done, looking at what has really worked and what hasn't. Back to LRT and 180's. More patience. Don't give up.
I'm just really tired of everybody telling me I'm a fool for even leaving the door open. That I've gone above and beyond. Like I said I mostly typed this for me. If anybody reads this who is struggling with feeling 'foolish' for hanging on the roller coaster please know you're not alone.
I love you all.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/18/1509:25 PM. Reason: edit book name not authorized
In short (hahaa my posts were anything but short). I see the good. There appears to be no A going on, the S has only been 3 mo's, I've worked on myself, and she is now at least saying that she wants to work on things.
I guess my worry is that the 'strategies' are quite different from 'Newcomer' status vs 'Piecing' status, and I'm not sure how to proceed.
My gut says that if I truly feel that her heart isn't in it- that she's just saying it to appear like not the bad guy, but still acting very much like a WAW in many regards, that I simply go back to LRT and 180. But if her heart is in it and she simply isn't capable of anything more than these piecing 'baby steps', then there really isn't a problem at all (except for my impatience).
Even using our next session to talk about this quagmire seems like I'm asking for reassurances or whining or complaining and I get that she cannot respect that. However, if I'm not sure where we really are I could do a lot of damage with good intentions.
3 months of progress down the drain. She texted and I got drawn in. Told her that even though she has said she wants to work on the M, it feels like she's acting the complete opposite. She said it's because she thinks everything is my fault. The strains in our marriage, 'That' horrible night, and why she can't move forward.
I broke.
Instead of keeping my cool and not giving a reaction like I have for THREE months I broke. I drank. I broke my precious sobriety. I drove to her house buzzed and her dad came to the door. I was aggressive. He was scared. I left.
Her crazy friend who was also there is now texting me that I've shown how psycho I am and that everybody is getting a restraining order on me.
Three months of work down the drain. Sobriety gone. Hope smashed.
Not that it matters but I'm ending my life tonight.
Not that it matters but I'm ending my life tonight.
Whoa, whoa!!! We all care about you here.
If you're thinking about committing suicide, please read Suicide Help or call 1-800-273-TALK in the U.S.! To find a suicide helpline outside the U.S., visit IASP or Suicide.org.
Or keep posting here. We are all here for you!
Last edited by rob123; 04/20/1505:15 PM.
M: 6 years, together 11 M: 31 W: 30 D 2, S 4 BD 3/26/15 (EA with OM)
yea, seriously RealMe. You need to post again and let people here know you are ok.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Not that it matters but I'm ending my life tonight.
RealMe. It does matter, to many. Please get some help and do not do what your thinking about doing. Call your therapist, someone from AA, the suicide hotline mentioned above, someone.
You made a mistake and broke down, it happens to all of us. That is no reason to give up on life. You don't know what the future holds for you, but it will hold only pain for the rest of your family if you do something stupid now. This isn't just about you, you are tied to many individuals and you cant just push off this pain to them.
Be strong and keep going, things will get better, trust me. I thought about suicide also and was close to really wanting it. This was not that long ago and now I'm excited about my future. Don't give up on yourself.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Get a grip...for real. DBing is a tough, long, and HARD slog. We all have had some real down moments then the next day is better and we pick ourselves up.
Trust me: not a single misstep will derail the process. Step back now and let cooler heads prevail. I hope you do seek help with your alcohol. I don't know how the AA system works, but isn't there a buddy or sponsor that you can connect with to get you back on the right track?
Here's the thing, it took a while for the marriage to get into the place it is right now and it will take a long time to right the ship. You don't turn a battleship on a dime, right? Battleships move slow as they make a 180 turn. Likewise with your M through actions, words, and behaviors that are consistent with honor and integrity.
Take the long-view....a series of steps forward will get to a better and stronger marriage.
We're in the foxhole with you...right beside you. We are your friends here. Your real-life friends don't know what they're talking about and just want your pain to go away.
