MY STORY IS UGLY BUT AT LEAST IM LEARNING

[parker7]

Zues,

Thank you for your thoughts. I do realize I am not going to be very popular because of how I've behaved over the years and the damage I've done to my W and son.
In fact I'm sure there are many that would like to see my W be done with me once and for all and I understand that.

Right now I feel I'm not deserving to have her back ever. Earlier today I became very convinced of that, then I start thinking I cant and don't want to lose her, she's the only one that could ever love someone as broken and messed up as I have been over the years. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride. Somedays I have hope for myself, and my marriage, some days I don't have any hope for either.

Thanks again for your insight.

[MrBond]

Did you pick up the books yet?

Look, to be perfectly honest, you're going to have to get off your pity party because if you want people to feel sorry for you, that's not going to save your M.

Detail to us your marital history. How you and your W met, things that happened, how you got to this point, etc. Try not to focus everything on your A's. Talk about your M.

" then I start thinking I cant and don't want to lose her, she's the only one that could ever love someone as broken and messed up as I have been over the years."

This is just more control on your part. You want what you can't have. And the fact that you say that you can't promise that you won't cheat again speaks volumes. If at the very least, I'm sure you don't want your son remembering you as the guy who treated his mom like dirt by abusing her.

If you want to save your family and to become an honest man for a change, then you need to start now.

[parker7]

Mr. Bond:

Books are on there way.
I will write more on my M a bit later tonight.

Do you think I should be promising I won't cheat again this early in the change? My therapist has corrected me multiple times when I said that I wouldn't and challenged me that I could not say never.

How am I having a pity party?

Yes, I want to be honest and save my family.

Thank you for making me think.

[MrBond]

"Do you think I should be promising I won't cheat again this early in the change?"

No because there's nothing that shows that you can be faithful. So your W isn't going to believe it.

"My therapist has corrected me multiple times when I said that I wouldn't and challenged me that I could not say never."

He's correct.

"How am I having a pity party? "

All you seem to do in your posts is write about how much you hurt your W and yet you want her and have changed, and then talked about her A (which I don't even know if I would call it that because of your numerous indiscretions). She's getting her self-respect back in the only way she knows how.

I don't know how many times I've asked for a marital history, and all of your responses have centered around your A's. Is that really all that your M was made of? Untruths, deception and abuse? Again, concentrate on the MARRIAGE.

[parker7]

Mr Bond,

We married when we were 19 & 20 after 6 months of dating and another 9 months of engagement. We were kids. Both still in college. We grew up married. We have changed a ton together. My A's were a huge part of the negative of the marriage. That and the anger and control issues that went along with my A's and my insecurity. We have had a lot of great times though. We have a ton in common, both into fitness, working out, being outdoors. We both are loving parents and spend a ton of time with our 9 year old. We both love to travel and have done so. We have strong Christian upbringings and made that an important part of our lives. Except I certainly didn't live it with the A's. We are both pastors kids. She is and introvert, golden retriever, words of affirmation. I am Type A, clean/neat freak, very organized, regimen. Words of affirmation. I did a terrible job complimenting her. I am a career Firefighter and she is a union shift worker. Time together has certainly been an issue due to work especially the past few years. She has been working a lot more and we have had less time together. Not many dates or time alone as a couple. I believe she was/is pouring herself more into work because of my rejection and A's. Our sex life was good. I had some issues on/off due to the A's. Sometimes it affected my performance negatively and sometimes for the better, usually negative though. Sex with her became boring and routine quickly for me and I'm not sure why as I had nothing to complain about or not like. In the end, fall 2014 she was like a robot, sex was no fun, she disconnected, we stopped all together around the holidays as she was not into it at all and not into me.

[parker7]

Also, you are right. I can hardly call my wife unfaithful and a cheater. I own that. She disconnected from me due to all the hurt and pain I caused her over the years and she saw that it was likely never going to change. She found care and respect from someone else when she could no longer get it from me.

[Zues126]

Parker, I hesitate to say this because there are no excuses- you are 100% accountable for your choices. I can see, though, that after the first A and how easily it was forgiven, how you might have another. And how this could quickly turn into a way of life. I've always thought a one night stand was different than serial affairs, but with no consequences it makes sense that it could play out that way. Had your W drawn serious boundaries and drawn a line in the sand you might have been forced to a decision much sooner. LET THIS BE A LESSON FOR THE LBS'S THAT LET THEIR H BACK TO EASILY!

I'm trying hard to empathize, but don't you dare let that distract you from the big task at hand. The problem with her not standing up for her boundaries and for you taking advantage of that is that she allowed you to hurt her much more deeply and for a much longer period of time than most women would ever have. So instead of it being "ow, that hurt, don't do that!" and you being like "ok, won't happen again!", it was like "I can take it, I can take it, I can take it" for many years, and now she's just beyond her ability to cope with pain.

So unfortunately it is a tough hill to climb. I'm not saying it can't be done. But I do mourn for your loss. Yes, it was brought about in large part by your actions, but just because someone committed the crime doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to see a fellow human suffer. And I know how much you are suffering.

OK. Back to your growth. Let me ask you this- you mention insecurity, control. Those are things I can identify with. For me it was porn. It was that I didn't feel ok on my own, and I needed a woman's love and admiration to make me feel ok. It scared the heck out of me to depend on my W for that. In fact, I resented her because I needed her so much...I was upset that she had the ability to make me feel fulfilled or rejected (this was how I perceived it at the time). Since sex was my biggest love language to fill those needs I used porn to try to "diversify", not allow my W to have total control over my happiness. At times I felt this made it easier for me to manage because I didn't rely solely on her, but in the end I grew resentful again that she wasn't able to fulfill my needs to my satisfaction.

So to sum up- it was her job to make me happy, I resented that she wasn't able to do that, and that I depended on her so much. Thus I used porn and/or pressured her for sex in controlling ways.

_)*&_((*&T^(). It still stinks to have to write that out. Arg. Why was it so hard? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I screwed up. Deep breath. Ok. Ok. Let it go. It's done.

But anyway, I've learned that it's MY job to make myself happy. Not hers. If you can remove the need/expectation/pressure from your partner then you have a shot at a reasonable relationship. I'm guessing most of the other negative stuff you did was either to control her behavior or out of resentment from your inability to do so. So again, it can be changed.

That was my experience. What parts of this can you relate to?

[Starsky309]

Parker, I hesitate to say this because there are no excuses- you are 100% accountable for your choices. I can see, though, that after the first A and how easily it was forgiven, how you might have another. And how this could quickly turn into a way of life. I've always thought a one night stand was different than serial affairs, but with no consequences it makes sense that it could play out that way. Had your W drawn serious boundaries and drawn a line in the sand you might have been forced to a decision much sooner. LET THIS BE A LESSON FOR THE LBS'S THAT LET THEIR H BACK TO EASILY!

Amen!!!

[parker7]

Zues:

My insecurity and rejection issues certainly played a part in my behavior toward my W and my A's. No excuse though. I actually rejected my W over and over and over again with my A's which was the very thing I was struggling with since my adoption as a young child. Growing up in a home with limited to no emotional bond with my mother and father I was constantly reaching out for more affection, acceptance, security. My W gave me all that she had but I had to have more. Im only learning this recently, I wish I would have identified a lot of this years ago. But I didn't try hard enough, I didn't want to dig deep. It certainly does not excuse what I've done.

[parker7]

Zues:

Yes, my controlling behavior was directly related to my insecurity of myself and my marriage. When I was in the A's I was even more controlling.