Focused on Me and My Son

[Sherman333]

If you don't mind, I would like to copy and past your post on my thread.

Absolutely. That's why I posted the link Cadet nuked. The website I got it from has a lot of stories from Men about dealing with abusive females. It's really enlightening.

Everything I've been reading about this personality is pointing to exit the marriage as quick as possible and let her move onto her next victim.

With her out of the house, last night was the 1st night in a while I slept well. S7 said the same.

[Sherman333]

So the wife texted and is all of a sudden worried about Easter Sunday (remember she's over at the OM's house until Sunday evening. Such BS and control.

Now all of sudden she wants to be "involved" with him and is demanding I do an Easter egg hunt and other things we used to do as a family. I told her I have plans that morning. She even tried to accuse me of not getting him an Easter egg basket. Her direct quote was "He is expecting Easter candy at least in a basket!!!". I just replied "I have all that".

I didn't reply right away and she texted that if I don't, then she might rethink our agreement...

My response after addressing questions on S7 was this.

Just so you know. No more threats. I MEAN this. If you keep threatening "whatever" we'll take it all the way to the judge and let him decide it all. I've looked into this (you know how I approach these types of problems and how I know to mitigate risk). I am FULLY prepared to do what I need to do. I didn't choose my lawyer lightly. I want what we agreed to for S7, me, and you. My lawyer should be reviewing the initial draft of the agreement today (unless there's an issue) and I'll send it to you for review. I expect there will be some edits, so don't overreact. I want things civil and amicable for S7's sake.

I'm extremely tired of the threats at this point and this should play on some of her BPD fears.

[Vanilla]

After our discussion on the LBH thread then I will tonight read your threads. We may have much in common if we are subject to abuse. If you would repay the compliment by reading a little of mine, probably 7 to 9.

Can I recommend the UK site Healing Hurt to you. I no longer link externally as the links are deleted. You may also want to look into Al Turtles Master Slave paper. I found that a great he taught me a great deal.

I also have analysed verbal abuse, took me several threads but culminated with this :

Vanilla abusive behaviour how to react

The black notes are the original, the pink and purple after further thought. I went on the Freedom from abuse course which is about the detection and handling of all kinds of abuse. I have tried to stick to the behaviour and lose the labels and condemnation of H.

V

[Vanilla]

I have read your threads.

I can not see anywhere that W had a formal diagnosis of bipolar anywhere and was treated for it. I have a good friend whose twin is bipolar and largely that is controlled with meds and psychiatry. Without that I am told that it is impossible to manage. W holds down a job so that is an indicator of stability.

You also mention BPD which is a particular syndrome.

I just rang my friend to ask the difference between the two and about her sisters illness which has been life long. Cadet has some experience so perhaps can enlighten us a little.

She told me Bipolar has long infrequent mood swings, the manic phase if uncontrolled can lead to risky behaviour including spending sprees. Cycle in her sisters case in 8 to 9 months of down to 2 to 3 months of mania. Sister tends not to medicate when in manic stage which has in the past led to hospitalisation. Her sister is not PBD. PBD can cycle several times a day and tends to modulate without drugs.

Has W been diagnosed officially? Is she medicating?

This is very troubling indeed and dangerous if W is free falling bipolar. On the other hand she may just be entering mania which is why she prefers to let go of S, to be free.

Concerning

V

[Cadet]

Well there is Bipolar(manic depressive)

and

there Borderline personality disorder.

Which is totally different than Bipolar and tbh
when people write BPD I don't know which one they are referring to.

Also MLC will mimic many different mental illnesses
and might only be temporary (well whatever that means)

I know quite a few people who are undiagnosed bipolar as
part of the disease is DENIAL.

I also have a niece(of my Ex-W) who has borderline.
It is really bad stuff.

[Sherman333]

Thanks V! From looking at your list... I'm quite familiar with a lot of what you have listed.

Looking back on my marriage, most of her spew I disregarded or ignored. But my reaction over time was depression and I gained a lot of weight because I was so upset with her (265 lbs). Yesterday I was 214.

So she got a copy of the draft divorce settlement. In the county we'll be going to, the judge is a bit conservative. He enforces a no cohabitation order. Basically the order is neither of us can cohabitate and have kids overnight. If it's violated, then you have supervised visits with Friend of the Court.

The STBXW flipped out over it and accused me of be spiteful and trying to destroy her happiness. That she would cohabitate and have our S7 overnight. I told her to check with her Attorney. He'd be able to confirm the requirement. After a lot of texts, she finally called him and told me I was right.

Her answer was that they'll just have to speed up their marriage plans. Wow. Happily dysfunctional every after. The lawyer started laughing when I told him this.

I did let her know I've known about this for weeks. She accused me of knowing only because I took all the money and got my attorney first. I told her no... I did my own research on things. I've also implied I chose my attorney for a reason as well. That I'm prepared to take it all the way if need be.

I'm sure I made their night. For her, looking back on when I first saw her flip out, it was around the 3 month mark. So it's been around that for work. She's got a bit of time for the new relationship yet. I just can't imagine that he'd be willing to marry her so soon. And if she starts pushing I just don't see it happening before she can't contain her normal behavior. I'm also hopeful the "no cohabitation" order will encourage her to move on and leave us be as it will be even more difficult for her to take him back and forth.

The SIL has a unique perspective... and has NOTHING nice to say. She's stunned they're talking marriage already. But based on some stuff I was researching earlier today, she can't help herself. She needs to have the commitment locked in because she won't be able to maintain. In my case, she got pregnant.

Soon the thrill has to be wearing a bit thin.

Another thing she's pushing for is our furniture. His furniture must suck for as much as she's pushing. But hey... he's the best thing ever!

I also let her know that we both deserve to know who our S7 is hanging around. She never answered. The guy has to be a piece of work. Divorcing his wife and hooking up with a married woman. At least when I met her she was single.

Also, when I was picking up S7 this afternoon we got into a discussion about things. There was an event over a year ago where STBXW was mean to some of the Foster kids we had. It was reported to CPS. We were reprimanded for it and it's all documented. I'm going to get those records ASAP and supply to the Attorney too. It's amazing how help keeps showing up for me at times.

[Sherman333]

I can not see anywhere that W had a formal diagnosis of bipolar anywhere and was treated for it

Short answer is no. I new she had mood swings, but didn't have a word for it. It was her brother that put the label on it for me. Turns out it runs in her family for the female side. Since before Christmas, she's been getting up at 3:30 a.m. to exercise and going for 2 hours or so. She's also demonstrated euphoric behavior. Recently she's started going to bed SUPER EARLY too. So she might just be coming down off the manic phase. Based on what behaviors I've reported, my IC also thinks she's bipolar.

For the borderline personality disorder observation, that came from the counselor for our foster kids. Some was observed behavior and some surmised based on what was reported.

I've read that it's not uncommon for people to have both conditions. All I know is they both fit VERY WELL. For BPD, I know I started seeing this about 3-4 months after we got together, but she was already pregnant and I stuck it out almost 8 years (6/1/2015 would have been our anniversary).

She's not medicated. So she's been in free fall and almost admitted she had a problem 3 weeks ago. But then she went to Chicago and was done.

[Sherman333]

Whooo Hooo. I hit 210 lbs this morning. That's a weight loss of 55 lbs since November last year!!! 20 lbs from February to date alone.

This is one of my biggest 180s and I feel sooo much better as a result. I still have a bit of belly and I'm 30 lbs away from my target weight of 180.

Plus I can do more stuff with my son. Today we're going to a water park. He's really looking forward to it and was even bragging to people at school.

[Vanilla]

Great news on the weight loss. Gotta feel good........

It could be that if WW is bipolar then the lack of treatment may be mimicking BPD. In any case bipolar is crazy stuff and needs proper diagnosis and treatment, especially with your D around!

Your D needs you her dad more than ever. We had a poster here called HPoirot and he had similar issues in his sitch with his S11 at the time. His W was never diagnosed with anything.

V

[Sherman333]

It's S7. Not D.

But he's an awesome kid if I do say so myself. Longer term, I know this will be better for both of us and we just need to get through the rough times.

Being on our own won't be a bad thing at all. There's adventures out there waiting that we'll do and we won't have someone that will sabotage it.

WW is bipolar then the lack of treatment may be mimicking BPD

Could be. Either way, when I've read up on both illnesses and behaviors, I can see it all. I figure it's up to her to get that understood. I just need to protect my son and I from it as best I can.