Thanks guys. You all are such a team around me, my tribe.
Things are going along. Girls are on spring break this week, we've been to the beach, worked puzzles, had friends sleep over, D12 made a special dinner. Yesterday we went snorkeling, today is prom dress shopping and a local fair. I've been NC with H since Friday. I've talked to sailboat guy more than I have H this week.
Yep. I'm actually sort of on cruise control right now. Its a different kind of limbo, one where I get to call most of the shots and don't walk on egg shells. I text H when necessary about kids stuff, I'm shooting for half of the days to be NC. He's no longer the first thing I think about when I wake up.
I've given some thought about the person I want to be going forward. And I'm beginning to explore how to get there. I have a long way to go, but I am in no hurry as long as I'm moving at my own pace.
I'm glad to hear it. I went into a foxhole for a bit and lost track of a lot. I'm sorry about that. Coming out now and it's nice to not be so self-absorbed. You sound like you're on a good track.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
MB, don't know if you caught this part, but I recently found out that H used to email my mom and complain about me. That was a huge turnoff. Huge. Especially since he never brought issues to me. Just not the kind of person I want to be dealing with.
!!!!! You're right, I missed that part. I'm so sorry. Good for you for knowing you don't want to be dealing with that. He should have brought it all to you.
My brother does that with my mom. She eats it up and holds it against my SIL at the same time that she's kind of telling him he needs to be talking to his W and not her. It's so frustrating. Creates all kinds of family issues that could so easily be avoided.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
OK. Two comments. One is I went through something similar with my STBX. I sent her a few EXTREMELY PERSONAL emails during our difficult times that bared my soul and left me very vulnerable. It was in an attempt to open up and plant the seeds for potential communication and healing.
I found out that she had forwarded them to her friends with the comment "how am I supposed to respond to THIS?"
I felt very betrayed. She never got it. I tried having her imagine how she'd feel if I persuaded her to make exotic love on camera for me to commemorate, and then later I played that video with my buddies drinking beers and laughing. I told her that's how I felt when she shared this type of thing with others. She dismissed those feelings and that hindered our communication going forward as I didn't have the same level of trust.
At BD by the way, she emailed me a long list of my faults and why she was leaving me. I found out that she had shared that email with my sister, her friends and family as well. That really bothered me. AND...this will lead up to something I post on my thread soon.
***HOWEVER*** I can't busdrive her too hard. I consider what she did a betrayal. I don't think it's right. I don't think she should have treated me that way. HOWEVER. I am NOT going to "celebrate" that I don't have to put up with that anymore.
Had my STBX had the strength of character to address her issues with me, avoid the temptations of other men and alcohol, and wanted to work on our R...I could accept that about her. I DIDN'T LIKE IT. AT ALL. But I wouldn't have ended our M over it. Even if it continued, even if I felt it undermined our trust and was disrespectful. You know why? Because I believe in M, and if she wouldn't change I'd have to deal with that.
So I hesitate to write a list of all my STBX's faults and celebrate my 'freedom' from them. My next partner will have faults too, as will I. I will do my best to EMBRACE those faults and make a good M with the WHOLE person, not just the parts of them I like. Ultimately I loved my STBX, and the only part of her I utterly reject is her decision to divide our family and end our M.
Not a "2x4" or anything, lord knows I'm not judging anyone here. And RPPFL, you know I look up to you as a model of good behavior. I just wanted to share my thoughts on this, that the sour grapes perspective isn't really fair. Sometimes I read this and think "oh, they'd NEVER get along with me if they were this critical of their ex". I don't think you'd want to project that impression with those around you.
Sorry, I tried to soften that and still think I came across as critical myself. I don't have the energy to rewrite this so I'm trusting that you'll know I don't mean it that way and am just playing with ideas, I'm not on a soap box in any way. Peace and strength rppfl, and keep leading!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, it's not sour grapes. Its a better perspective on exactly who I was M to.
My former boss is a recovering alcoholic. I knew he drank but was unaware of the extent of the problem. After all, I was not his wife nor his mother. Then there was a particular event after which people started coming out of the woodwork and telling me stories. When I pieced it all together, when I finally saw the bigger picture, I immediately went to the correct person to get him into rehab.
If I was happily M and found out about the emails I could have worked through it. But I found out about them after he cheated, lied, and walked out. After years of being told I wasn't attractive enough, wasn't good enough. I'm not celebrating at all, I'm just viewing from a different perspective. I'm seeing the bigger picture.
I just see the pattern with a lot of LBS's and don't like going too far down that path. But yeah, learning things after the fact does add clarity.
I was just thinking today that my STBX may have had other EA's over the years that I never knew about. She was always VERY jealous of me spending ANY time with another woman and I rarely did (no female friends here, I don't like to flirt with danger). In fact, one night my car died and my boss (female) gave me a ride home because no one else was there, and she was MAD at me.
I bring that up because I know most cheaters are the ones most suspicious and jealous and she certainly was. She may not have ever done anything inappropriate, but looking back she did have a lot of time on her own, was big into social media and texting, etc. Who knows?
I don't want to be suspicious myself, I just don't want to be stupid. But my point is that if I found that out after the fact I would be a bit disillusioned about the quality of the R I had been involved in. So I guess that's normal. But definitely different than turning your ex into a villain which I don't agree with.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues I totally hear and agree with you on not turning our Xs into villains. After all, we were M to them for a reason. Other than the infidelity and walking out (which to me are pretty huge), he's not being a bad guy. He has been there for me in my health issues, is a really good dad, has been financially up front, never spews, is polite when we have schedule conflicts. He's gonna be a great X.
