Rai I don't know where to begin to say thank you for your post. I read it and reread it and it brought me to tears both times. There is so much information and you are spot on with things. I am trying to gal and be there for my kids. I feel lately I have been better at this. I started going to the gym and friends at work ( a few of them know) say I'm looking better. They have noticed the change. I'll be honest some days it's real and some days I'm just putting on a happy face. We did go out Saturday night and we both agreed it was a pleasant night. I like you have been successful in my career. I have 21 years in law enforcement. I have been promoted 3 times over the years with another one possibly coming. The schedule has been difficult at times in our marriage but I have always done whatever the family needed most despite what I wanted. (Working midnight is no fun) but allowed me to coach and make all the kids games. This is one of the problems that she identified. My schedule these days is a lot better and helping the situation. A few talks have popped up since Saturday. The calls to him seem to be less but I question if it's just me being hopeful. She said she wants to reconcile but doesn't trust it. I stayed strong and replied that she will never know while she is in a R with him. I have read sandis new thread but will do so again. I am so thankful for everybody on here. It helps me tremendously to be strong. Please post as I read all and listen to the advice. Thank you.
I'll be honest some days it's real and some days I'm just putting on a happy face.
It's called acting "as if" or "fake it 'til you make it". Either way, keep it up.
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The calls to him seem to be less but I question if it's just me being hopeful.
At this stage, I would say you are being overly hopeful. Brace yourself; there are many (many!) more aftershocks. The goal is to detach and stop monitoring those things. Again, that will take a while.
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She said she wants to reconcile but doesn't trust it.
Ironic, isn't it? She doesn't trust you! Here I would defer to the vets, but it is clear that there can be NO reconciliation as long as she is still having contact with OM. Don't settle for less.
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Rai I don't know where to begin to say thank you for your post.
Pay it forward. Unfortunately, there are new posts from people just like us every day. We all need encouragement.
It's been a few days since I posted. I have to say that I'm tired. Mentally exhausted and some days I don't have the strength to write my thoughts. She is thoroughly confusing me. I know I have read this but it's true. She reels me in and I put my guard down and she flips it. This is tiring. She crus or talks nice with me so I give in a little bit then she hits me like a ton of bricks. Changes the conversation or lies. Says she can't talk to me. I had been writing a journal to myself. She found it and read it. That was from to me. I feel that she has desecrated everything. Some days I don't know how to wake up and face the day. Had been feeling stronger. Boy was I wrong. What is going on? Any input is appreciated.
Its the roller coaster your experiencing, it happens to all of us. Some days you will start to feel stronger, then the next day or several days later you will crash and feel miserable. Over time it will get easier to cope.
As for what shes doing, don't try and analyze it, she doesn't even understand what shes doing. Try and focus on your own health right now. Get out, exercise, eat, sleep and take care of your children. Try not to think of her. I know, easier said than done but detaching is the best thing you can possibly do right now.
Try and keep any personal stuff (self help book, journals, etc) in a place W will not possibly find.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Fogg I too am sorry for what your going through. Thanks for the post. I have to say that I have anger and feel a rage inside me. I want to reconcile but some days im tired of getting mentally beat up. Does anyone else just want to say to hell with it? Some days I want to just verbally unleash on her and tell her where to go and how wrong she is. These feelings are getting difficult to keep inside. I feel like I'm going to explode. She is destroying lives and doesn't seem to care. How does she look at herself? It makes me sick.
I sooo know how you feel. I swear that I have been there and am still there sometimes. In the immediate aftermath, I trashed some of my W's things and one of the rooms in our house. I regret this, but I never laid a hand on my W. It is a very visceral basic animal instinct to want to lash out. In prehistoric times (or the wild west) it may have worked, but in today's society you will only be harming yourself and your prospects for a better future. In retrospect, I am so thankful that I never raised a finger against my W. She would have turned it against me in an instant. Courts do not look favorably on violent/angry individuals. I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.
Instead, keep your eye on the prize: You love your children and you never want to be apart from them. Whenever you get the urge to go ballistic, think about the awful consequences. There is a maxim in the book "ethics of the fathers": who is strong? One who can conquer his inclinations (Is my Judaism showing?). It is so true. The measure of a man is his ability to control himself and his attitude. In this time where you are feeling completely out of control, this is your last bastion of control and your last freedom, if you will. You CAN control your attitude and your response to your W's crazy. Right now, you are letting your W dictate your moods and behaviors. Don't give up control. She may be intentionally trying to get a rise out of you. Do you want to give her the satisfaction??? I know I mentioned this before: instead of responding every time your W does something crazy, document it instead.
BTW, shouting matches and confrontations also don't help. You will always feel worse afterwards because your W will not own up to anything. You will not, I repeat, you will not make her see your POV no matter how hard you try; she is a WAW. You may feel impotent and emasculated. You are not. Ask anyone on this board how much courage it takes to take the high road and rise above it.
In Crimson Tide - a great submarine film, if you haven't seen it - Denzel Washington's character never loses his cool, even when being hit by his nemesis. You need to be Denzel cool. Immediately. Take back control. Do you remember the scene in Casino royale (2006) where Bond is being lashed in the balls? He kept his cool - an no one is cooler than Bond. You need to be Bond cool. I know these are *just* films. But I hope you can draw some inspiration from them as I have.
It is ok and expected to feel rage. It is like someone is ripping your arm out of its socket without anesthetic. If you really cannot control the rage, then leave the house for a few hours. drive around, see a movie, sit on a park bench, hit a punching bag, anything. There were times I had to leave to preserve my sanity. If you must, politely tell your W you are going out for a bit - you needn't tell her why or where, but don't just walk out - it looks irresponsible. I brought my cell phone and vented instead on someone in whom I could confide. Then I would come home with some groceries, whistling a tune, so she wouldn't have a clue what I had done.
Again, I know EXACTLY how you feel. Please please please take my advice. You may not improve your sitch, but at least you will not worsen it.
I am going to vent to you for a moment. I have strong reason to believe that my W saw OM today. I am not doing anything about it and I am still putting on my best face. I am certainly not telling her that I know. However, now every time I hear a text on her cell phone I get a sinking feeling in my gut.
What is that famous prayer about the courage to accept the things I cannot change?
What is that famous prayer about the courage to accept the things I cannot change? RAI
It's the Serenity Prayer, right?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will (if I seek first His Kingdom);
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen. ------ I'm sorry RAI that you learned of the OM being with your W today. I know what you mean about hating to hear the sound of a text coming in on W's phone.
Thanks Wet. I am amazed that such a prayer does not pop up more on this site. So many are in need of it.
As for the OM. It does not hurt as much as it used to. I still have a long long way to go, but I really believe that I am detaching more than I have been. That is not to say that I won't have a relapse, but for now, I am focusing instead on enjoying my beautiful children when I get home from work. living well is the best revenge.
