Alpha - rollercoasting #3

[alpha99]

As ever you're right Toots. I need to stop going down cheeseless tunnels. The thing is OM is older, appears unable to commit from what W says, and would seem unlikely given his older age to want to take on 2 young kids. Unfortunately I think the attachment side of things comes from my W, given the few things she's mentioned. As affair was exposed W said OM was changing jobs 6-8 weeks later. Well, it's been about 6 weeks now. If given what she said about that is true, and that he was moving away as well I believe, and also W has just rented a place that surely has a minimal lease term, then pretty soon she may find herself wihout OM and sat alone at night with just 2 kids for company. Throw in her poor (to this point) financial management and the fact I don't see her parents accepting OM (they're catholics, plus I think she's told them it's over anyway) she may find things getting a little rough. We'll see.

[alpha99]

W called regarding parenting plan. Her first words were 'I think you have a nerve...'. Luckily, I had read a lot of 'connecting through yes' last night, which is all about agreeing rather than trying to persuade or reason. In other words it seems like validating things over arguing, which gets us nowhere. W was shocked by this new approach. She seemed to link it to my prior calm behaviour and said she can't trust me alone with the kids because of the things I said last week at the hospital. Instead of disagreeing I said something along the lines of 'well, it's good that you have concern for our children at the foremost of your mind.'. Virtually all the 10 minute or so conversation went that way, with only the odd blip where I went into reasoning mode...but then quickly redeemed myself.

It had a result anyway. After saying I had a nerve and it wasn't going to happen, W slowly conceded that as their father I have rights and that she will text me in the next day or so about making arrangements. She is undoubtedly going to come back with a schedule that suits her completely. I will deal with that as it arises. One thing she kept saying is that she doesnt have to meet my demands. I said these are only initial suggestions that could be changed if need be. She pointed out that I'd have them 'all' weekend and she'd only have them on a Sunday when she works Sundays. I said I understand that may be difficult with your work but I don't know when your shifts are anymore, these are just suggestions, and it may be beneficial to the kids to spend one day each of the weekend with both of us. She huffed and puffed but more or less agreed in principle.

Finally, the thing that seemed to spin her head was this: she kept mentioning how I would threaten her about exposing A to work or say I'd kill myself if she didn't get back with me and so on. Instead of responding in usual manner I said 'well I wouldn't want you to get back with me if that meant you were in an unhappy relationship. I wouldn't expect you to be in an unhappy relationship. She was momentarily lost for words. She said 'err yeah, that's right.'. I think tthat has got her thinking. Reconnect through agreement is the key here I read. She also bemoaned the fact that I hadn't been in touch all week to see the kids. I did at this point outline what had transpired with her saying she would contact me and we'd go from there, which is what haopened...she.contacted me and we arranged to go out. It felt strange taking the call in that way, but I guess that's the definition of a 180. I read in DB last night 'what could you do to shock your W into thinking you were getting on with your life? Well, at no point did I say I didn't want to be with her but I reckon I've certainly got her thinking.

[alpha99]

I'm just thinking out loud here. Although my wife has some justification in how she feels about me right now, I wonder whether she is holding onto her anger as a means of justifying what she is doing to our family at the moment. She was nice with me for a few days as her new house was nearing being ready to be moved into, but when my son was ill she wouldn't allow me to go to the hospital initially. Strange. If this were the case, I wonder what I could do to enable her to lose her anger. My current 'method' is to use LRT. I am trying to get a parenting plan in place (see above). Do you think it is just time alone away from her that will give her the opportunity to calm down. All of this assumes that I am right about why she is so angry with me. Yes, I made recordings (she threatened me with lies). Yes, I have threatened to expose her A at work (but have not done so). Yes, I have pleaded/begged and done all the stupid things I shouldn't have done. Her thinking appears illogical but at least she called me today, and at least she heard what I had to say, even if she didn't agree with most of it.

[alpha99]

New post since I can't edit the ones above now.

Reading over DR again and trying to analyse my sitch, I wonder whether my W is a candidate for MLC. She's only 28 but works in a hospital where people die all the time. She has mentioned about only living once and making the most of it in recent times. I wonder is she too young for a MLC. That chapter in DR certainly chimes an awful lot with her behaviour (except maybe for the car).

There was another point I wanted to make but I've forgotten as I'm writing on mobile and it takes a while.

[alpha99]

I don't know why I can't edit posts at the moment, maybe it's because I'm switching between mobile and PC, but anyway; something I read in both DR and Connecting Through Yes is that when you do something new you might initially meet anger and it's important to look past this initial behaviour to see if things change in the following days. I think today may be a case of that. Although W cooled slightly during the call (not a lot really) she did seem intent on trying to 'wind me up' so we could engage in our usual form of back and forth, tit for tat 'debates'. I didn't cave into that and instead kept things on the level for the most part, validating and forming agreements with whatever she was saying. She kept persisting with her points of view, trying to lure me in, but I resisted. It will be interesting to see how the next few interactions pan out. I know I need to be consistent. I have gone a week now of getting upset, no anger, out for tea and that went well.

Ah, it's come to me what I wanted to write. I wonder to what degree she is keeping me back as plan B. For all her proclamations of not loving me anymore, she has kept completely quiet on the OM front. Why would that matter if she had moved on? When I've mentioned things that would be considered moving on, such as turning the electric off in our old house, saying I wouldn't want her to be in a relationship if she was unhappy, and a few other things that she has mentioned or done such as the thing over the car bought post S being our car, it all seems strange. Maybe she doesn't really know where she stands feelings wise deep down. She is certainly acting like she couldn't care less. When I mentioned hurting myself she came back later with something like 'how do you think it feels to hear from your husband that he is going to leave you all alone to bring our children up'. I don't want to read too much into all these things but they do have me thinking sometimes.

[DaddyLongShanks]

I don't know why I can't edit posts at the moment, maybe it's because I'm switching between mobile and PC, but anyway; something I read in both DR and Connecting Through Yes is that when you do something new you might initially meet anger and it's important to look past this initial behaviour to see if things change in the following days. I think today may be a case of that. Although W cooled slightly during the call (not a lot really) she did seem intent on trying to 'wind me up' so we could engage in our usual form of back and forth, tit for tat 'debates'. I didn't cave into that and instead kept things on the level for the most part, validating and forming agreements with whatever she was saying. She kept persisting with her points of view, trying to lure me in, but I resisted. It will be interesting to see how the next few interactions pan out. I know I need to be consistent. I have gone a week now of getting upset, no anger, out for tea and that went well.

I wouldn't over analyze it interaction by interaction like so many do on here. It doesn't work, and it usually means that you are there waiting for the crumbs to fall. Waiting for crumbs becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as you will eventually get some crumbs.

Ah, it's come to me what I wanted to write. I wonder to what degree she is keeping me back as plan B. For all her proclamations of not loving me anymore, she has kept completely quiet on the OM front. Why would that matter if she had moved on? When I've mentioned things that would be considered moving on, such as turning the electric off in our old house, saying I wouldn't want her to be in a relationship if she was unhappy, and a few other things that she has mentioned or done such as the thing over the car bought post S being our car, it all seems strange. Maybe she doesn't really know where she stands feelings wise deep down. She is certainly acting like she couldn't care less. When I mentioned hurting myself she came back later with something like 'how do you think it feels to hear from your husband that he is going to leave you all alone to bring our children up'. I don't want to read too much into all these things but they do have me thinking sometimes.

Oh, you know she's keeping you as plan B. Many of us here are victims of human psychology. Since you've allowed her this great latitude, reserved for Zeus the god or a king, she may very well feel like one. She may very well feel she is doing you a favour in letting you kiss her @ss and pay her bills. You have to think of how the cheaters think.

You are plan B. And a happy and secure plan B is a great solid foundation for future affairs. She knows that you are a good man and a strong man, but she cannot let go of her lust of the WORLD. It's just so much bigger than you.

Imagine if each of her paramours she knows won't take her BS, and she may very well over value them over you, the one she devalues for hanging in there.

[alpha99]

Still can't edit so another post.

I was thinking about what I wanted to add before and I think this was it: My wife seemed to be using our children as 'guilt bait' earlier in our telephone conversation. She said I hadn't called all week and was acting like I wasn't bothered. She framed it around the children and not getting in touch and wanting to see them (like I wrote above, I explained the sequence of events and how she said she'd contact me) but I wonder whether it is the first signs of LRT working. I don't think there's any sort of change of heart at all or even reconsidering things but I do wonder whether she is just distorting the truth over my apparent reluctance to see the kids because she can't think straight or whether that was a cover to try and find out why I hadn't been in touch.

[Luis P]

Hi Alpha,

Eventually keep strong and do for your children, let us know how the parenting guide goes in this coming week, if the plan will start to take fruition as well, keep yourself staying positive and most important, take into account the online community and the resources from DB and DR.

Hope all goes well.

[alpha99]

Thanks for your words of support and encouragement Luis.

Just another thing that has popped into my head that may assist anyone else reading this. My wife has said on many occasions in recent weeks that she is over everything, that she feels relief, that she has done her grieving etc. It has been very easy to get upset over these kinds of statements. One thing that springs to mind is one of sandi2's 37 rules: Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.

Why do I say that?

Well, it's just come to me: when our S was in hospital last week, at one point when W and I hadn't been getting on together during our spell sat on the ward with our son (I think he was asleep at this point), I said that the reason I was being emotional now and not before was because it had been easier just seeing her in small doses dropping the kids off, and now we had to spend a long time together it was very hard. Just thinking back now, W agreed. She said something along the lines of 'I know, it is hard. That's why I didn't want you to come to the ward all day.' So maybe (and it's a maybe I know) her initial refusal for me to come to the ward was not simply a case of her being nasty (in the events running up to my S being in hospital, even in the morning time of that day, she had been quite nice - when I was sick and couldn't look after our daugther she said I hope you get better soon on the phone) but rather a way of her distancing herself from having to be around me due to her not actually being over everything as she had claimed. I didn't believe her being over things claims at the time. Although hurtful I did doubt that you could get over a 10 year R, marriage and children in such a short space of time. I guess this goes to show that she is hurting and is grieving and that there have been such deep feelings there in the past that they simply don't just disappear over night. Thinking about that makes me quite positive, that if it is so that she has been having a hard time seeing me or being around me, despite her contrary appearance and demeanor, then it only goes to show how committed she had previously been to the R and that if DB'ing is done correctly over time there may be a way of making things right again.

I know I am not in control of the time frame of things working themselves out, if they ever do, but I can see this taking many months to do so. I feel like my W needs to move into her own place, be free of her parents' influence, have time to get over her negative feelings about me, and then maybe even more time to work on drawing her back in with my new and improved self. We will have regular contact in that time because of the kids, but I plan on keeping things very light and breezy, just communicating in a neighbourly way, and waiting, watching, checking results and adapting as necessary.

[twinmom]

Ok, too much for me to read now but you are doing A LOT of mindreading.....

Your wife FIRED you as her husband. If you were fired from a job would you be so concerned about your previous bosses actions/intentions?

Stop trying to analyze her every word. Just to give you an example my H referred to me as his wife in public and touched my back/leg when I was in pain. (He was living with OW and their relationship was out in the open so calling me his wife while true was odd). He had NO intentions behind these actions. It wasn't even a feather on the scale of marriage/divorce........ just saying the sweetest actions and "signs" can mean nothing. That is why sandi has those rules. Not only don't believe when they say they don't love you but don't believe the other stuff either.