Now the speakers are beginning to work, you will get the tape that is currently on the tape deck. My suggestion is listen to that, over and over until you have heard all of it several times and H is validated. Eventually he will play the next tape, and the next tape, each time with more complex material as he builds confidence that you are validating, understanding and not judging.
Vanilla - Starsky is right, you really do have the best analogies (mixed metaphors). This is a good point, perhaps he just needs to play the tape out. I find it a little weird I was able to activate his tape by playing mine, when I thought the very last thing he'd want to hear was how I was feeling, but hey! That seemed to work. Or possibly it was the waiting, or the activity we were doing together - or all three.
I thought of your description of your bestie. H got home and I asked how he was. Nothing. I waited, waited. He did laundry, dishes. I thanked him. And waited. Made tea. Waited. He worked on computer project for a bit. Wait. Wait. He asked me to make dinner together, I asked how he was and he said fine, asked me and I replied honestly (nervous about work) and BOOM - suddenly his speakers connected, tape playing on high volume.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
That is what we do with friends, we build friendship by sharing confidences. Apparently men have a harder time, except that for me seeing all of these wonderful men on this forum that is a very old fashioned view. Once the speakers are connected then the rush to express starts. After all on this board the speakers are connected and there is a loving, helpful listening audience.
Since I know you're familiar with al turtle too This reminds me a little of his stuff - once the lizard is safe, then there is a rush to share, and everything comes out. Perhaps I made H's lizard safe and that's why the spakers connected. Now to figure out exactly how I did that, wash, rinse, repeat.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
We listen on the board here, are kind and validate (ok if the tape loops or the music is discordant or is a recording of nails on a blackboard we 2x4). This is learning that I want to take to our real life sitch and apply. I often ask 'what would Wonka say' or this is a 'Starsky view of DB' or 'Whose sitch is applicable that I can look to' or 'Cadet said that' or 'wisdom from Sandi needed here' .
Often posters mention resources that I find useful too, have you read No More Mr Nice Guy?; that was very informative to me and I think you might get something out of it too. Susan every extra tool, major increment in improving Susan is worth doing for Susan, irrespective of H. Some extra tools are worth having, other tools are useful if you are doing major repairs, others great for decorating, a wide range is useful. Extra fuses for when the lights go, washers for the leaky tap and a range of screwdrivers. Some of us when we arrive here only own a hammer and a wrench, not much use when the lights fuse.
There will be a point at which Susan will simply want to live her life as she is happy being who she is, just a warm functioning human being with an expanded tool box. Extra specialist tools have limited use for anyone other than a specialist. One soldering iron for general use is fine but a soldering iron for fine electronics may never be used by Susan. However if you enjoy it, go learn fine electronics, you have the soldering iron and magnifying glass.
V
I have a very long list of reading material but have been slack in my reading lately. NMMNG is on my list but I hadn't picked it up yet because I felt like this was more a "book for H" than a "book for S" - that is, I wasn't sure if I would get anything out of it or if it was mainly aimed at the Nice Guy. But I am going to take up your suggestion, it's downloaded on my Kindle now so I will be reading it tonight.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Major GAL update here: I have just booked tickets to Romania for a week, leaving Saturday. Yes, I'm so responsible I plan my holidays abroad 4 whole days in advance.
ETA: Don't worry this isn't symptomatic of a breakdown, this is more like a return to "old Susana"/who I used to be I once booked a round the world ticket a week and a half in advance. (Of course before doing this you should *always* check on how long it takes to procure a Chinese visa)
Last edited by susana4; 03/17/1505:58 PM.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Thanks guys, I am so excited for romania!! I've wanted to go for awhile! Ooh happy to hear from anyone who's been there
Toots, I have to admit I am sorely tempted to "forget" to mention my trip until the night before...but I won't stoop that low.
Mahhhty - I have now tested with mixed results. I started putting away cleaning supplies from the cleaners visit and H asked why I was doing it and I said to thank him for doing all the laundry and dishes last night. He said "thanks!" And sounded very grateful. But then stopped me midway through and said "ok that's enough now."
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Congrats on Romania! And good job working it in. I wouldn't overcompensate, use it sparingly for now and gauge its effectiveness.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I really have no hope right now for my sitch. Feeling really low.
I don't know why exactly because objectively things are fairly stable and ok.
H was very complimentary this morning - you're going to do well at the training, you're so good at presenting, you're so beautiful, etc. And I played my game where I see how many times I can "excite" him in the 20 minutes before leaving for work (he walks around in his underwear constantly so easy to tell), I find it fun to tease and he is so easy. This morning it was 4 times including once when all I did was smile while brushing my teeth. (I do find the game fun but I am a bit evil)
It's his birthday tomorrow so I made him birthday dinner tonight. When he got home I had some snacks out - olives, chips and salsa and guacamole. Dinner was tacos and chocolate cake for dessert. Got a nice bottle of wine that is now my new favourite red. H was really really happy, must have given me about 10 thank you hugs and kept saying how the food was amazing.
When I went to wash the dishes after dinner he tried to step in and I said no, it's your birthday dinner. He eventually relented and let me wash up. I realised that he has never just let me take care of him like that. And that made me cry.
I'm reading NMMNG and omg this is my h. Really wish I could give him the book.
When I was getting ready for bed he walked in on me changing and apologised. That was odd.
I am really looking forward to my trip. Maybe it will give me some perspective. At the moment I feel completely out of hope.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
I just saw over in complex's thread some discussions of looking at other women and imagining an R not with WAW and it made me think of this thing that happened to me this morning.
Earlier today I tried to imagine myself with another man, and it actually made me sick to my stomach. I've imagined my future life without H, and I always imagine myself single. I love being single and I love living on my own (and before I met H I could not picture living with someone). I hate hate hate dating (early stages), so maybe this plays into it.
I can imagine a single future and look forward to it, imagine being happier even. I've even planned out my travels. But imagining an R with another man? Makes me feel queasy.
Has anyone else found this?
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
You bet. Early on in my sitch, I convinced myself that should W and I go through with a D, I would remain a bachelor for the rest of my life (and be ok with it). However, as time progresses, I find myself slowly warming up to the idea of eventually dating. What I 'dread' now is meeting new potential in laws/family. The thought of 'replacing' a 2nd family of 15+ years will do that to you. Don't sweat it right now...
I really have no hope right now for my sitch. Feeling really low.
I don't know why exactly because objectively things are fairly stable and ok.
H was very complimentary this morning - you're going to do well at the training, you're so good at presenting, you're so beautiful, etc. And I played my game where I see how many times I can "excite" him in the 20 minutes before leaving for work (he walks around in his underwear constantly so easy to tell), I find it fun to tease and he is so easy. This morning it was 4 times including once when all I did was smile while brushing my teeth. (I do find the game fun but I am a bit evil)
It's his birthday tomorrow so I made him birthday dinner tonight. When he got home I had some snacks out - olives, chips and salsa and guacamole. Dinner was tacos and chocolate cake for dessert. Got a nice bottle of wine that is now my new favourite red. H was really really happy, must have given me about 10 thank you hugs and kept saying how the food was amazing.
When I went to wash the dishes after dinner he tried to step in and I said no, it's your birthday dinner. He eventually relented and let me wash up. I realised that he has never just let me take care of him like that. And that made me cry.
I'm reading NMMNG and omg this is my h. Really wish I could give him the book.
When I was getting ready for bed he walked in on me changing and apologised. That was odd.
I am really looking forward to my trip. Maybe it will give me some perspective. At the moment I feel completely out of hope.
I find it a little weird I was able to activate his tape by playing mine, when I thought the very last thing he'd want to hear was how I was feeling, but hey! That seemed to work. Or possibly it was the waiting, or the activity we were doing together - or all three.
but I am a bit evil)