Susana (9) - I'm tired

[Elly4]

Susana, don't worry about venting on here. A few weeks ago, you were telling me to vent. And don't apologize to yourself for being down. This is extremely exhausting work, and we miss our Hs. It's perfectly natural that it catches up to you sometimes. And it seems to be when we're sick and/or tired. Just let us help support you. *Hugs*

[susana4]

Thanks Eirinn. It's great to be able to vent here.

I'm wondering if I'm done this morning. I will sit with my feelings awhile, see how I feel when I'm over my illness, and after my holiday next week.

H was very nice to me this morning which somehow makes things worse. He woke me up late, skipped his workout saying he was tired, we went to bed earlier than usual so he must have slept poorly (it took me about 2 hours to get to sleep and I could hear him tossing and turning on the sofa the whole time).

I mentioned to him needing to call the cleaning company. He said to do it today then said "wait don't call them, I know you hate it, let me do it for you? Text me the number and I'll do it over my lunch break." H used to make all phone calls because I really hate the phone, but he hasn't offered since before BD (and obviously I haven't asked). It was a small thing but it was a nice gesture but it made me sad.

Last night I was thinking about impending S. H and I agreed at beginning of Jan we'd stay in our rental until I got word on my visa. He hasn't brought it up (S or D) since but I should get word on my visa in the next few weeks. My coach sees this as a good sign (him not bringing it up) but tbh I don't know if he's just being avoidant and burying his head in the sand. I've decided I will go NC when we S, and for the last few days I've been thinking about while I will say. It made me so sad thinking of never seeing or speaking to H again.

My GF who I confide in about these things told me to stop borrowing trouble and if/when it gets to that stage she will help me write out what to say but we're not there yet. But, I want to be realistic and prepare myself for the future.

[mahhhty]

Then I found DB and saw that sometimes one person can effect change and I thought "well I can try this, I can own me part and change things". But the more and more i dig into my sitch and the more I think maybe it's his issues and not to do with me, it actually freaks me out. Because that means there's not much I can do here big equally scary not much I can do to prevent this happening in the future to me again. And since there were no signs leading up to it it's not like it's even something I could predict on the future...

Susana - the quote struck me, slightly as damage control. In DB/DR and the Solo Partner, they talk about how a spouse's reaction is their own reaction, however, you, as a partner, enable that reaction. Instead of being scared and labeling it as "his issues" think of it as your marriage and your marriage is the couple's issues. Furthermore, as he opens up about his feelings try to answer the question "What have I (susana) done to reinforce that feeling/action/emotion?"

[susana4]

Susana - the quote struck me, slightly as damage control. In DB/DR and the Solo Partner, they talk about how a spouse's reaction is their own reaction, however, you, as a partner, enable that reaction. Instead of being scared and labeling it as "his issues" think of it as your marriage and your marriage is the couple's issues. Furthermore, as he opens up about his feelings try to answer the question "What have I (susana) done to reinforce that feeling/action/emotion?"

Hi mahhhty thanks so much for your perspective here! Sorry the below is long but I'll try and cover off the basic background of my sitch and 180s.

When he dropped the bomb he told me he wanted to D because he "didn't feel like himself any more" and specifically because he'd given up activities he thought I wouldn't like - biking and playing GTA, and he felt like he wasn't seeing enough of his friends and family. He also said he was really happy most of the time, except when we argued then he wasn't happy, and he doesn't want to have any arguments at all. He says he has a fear of conflict and is also a people pleaser. He said he should have told me earlier stuff he wasn't happy about but he didn't want to have problems in our M so he thought keeping it in would be better and the most loving thing to do, and then it all built up until it was too much.

So out of this I realised:
-I have been too critical and judgemental in the past
-I was too argumentative
-I let stress over my job and depression grow and didn't take care of it

I have been working 180s on all of the above. I'm still a WIP of course, but I am pretty pleased with how it's going so far.

After a few months of not talking about anything R related or really feeling related, after some discussion with my coach and on here, I decided to apologise and own my part for some of these.

So far all of the conversations have basically gone with H trying to take blame back onto himself.

When he noticed I had started taking ADs and asked me about it:
Me: I should have started on these a long time ago. I'm sorry for how hard it must have been for you when I was so down about work in the autumn.
H: Don't apologise. There's no need to apologise.
Me: I want to thank you for taking care of me during that difficult time.
H: Well I didn't do a very good job. I think I made it worse. [hugs me]
Me: No, you didn't, I needed help and I wasn't getting it and you took care of me- thanks.
H: Really you don't need to thank me.

About arguments:
Me: I'm sorry for being so argumentative in the past.
H: Well I'm sorry for not arguing enough.
H: And you don't need to apologise. [hugs me]

About criticism:
Me: I just wanted to tell you I'm really sorry for how critical I was and how that must have been for you.
H: What? I don't think you were that critical, were you?
Me: I feel like maybe I was. I thought that maybe I made you feel like you weren't good enough. Which isn't true - I think you are a great person.
H: I'm not that good of a person.
Me: What makes you say that?
H: I'm just not. [holds me]
H: You're the loveliest and kindest person I know.

^^With the talk on criticism, I had some thoughts as to why H may have said I'm not that critical (I thought he might just not say, because he is not a critical person himself) but my coach suggested just taking it "at face value", and that maybe this shows it's more about his issues.

I guess my conclusion to all of these conversations we've had is he has very low self-esteem right now. Me being critical of course would reinforce that feeling But then he claims I am not critical.

At any rate, I've been trying to work on gratitude and WOA, but so far when I thank him for something he does around the house (say, doing the laundry or taking out the trash) he tends to say "don't thank me for that, it's nothing" and when I compliment him on something he'll say "no I'm not that good, that's not true." I don't know if I'm totally missing the mark here Or if his self esteem is really so low he can't take a compliment right now. And I don't know if that means I ought to continue with the compliments in spite of his words to the contrary.

Also - H is opening up about his feelings in general, like his frustrations with his stepmum, but so far not in regards to me (well, apart from to tell me I'm beautiful, gorgeous etc., he loves living with me and I'm the loveliest and kindest person he knows - which is nice to hear! - but doesn't really help me make changes, only confuses me). I don't think he'll tell me what frustrations he has with me or our M.

[Vanilla]

Susan

Now the speakers are beginning to work, you will get the tape that is currently on the tape deck. My suggestion is listen to that, over and over until you have heard all of it several times and H is validated. Eventually he will play the next tape, and the next tape, each time with more complex material as he builds confidence that you are validating, understanding and not judging.

That is what we do with friends, we build friendship by sharing confidences. Apparently men have a harder time, except that for me seeing all of these wonderful men on this forum that is a very old fashioned view. Once the speakers are connected then the rush to express starts. After all on this board the speakers are connected and there is a loving, helpful listening audience.

We listen on the board here, are kind and validate (ok if the tape loops or the music is discordant or is a recording of nails on a blackboard we 2x4). This is learning that I want to take to our real life sitch and apply. I often ask 'what would Wonka say' or this is a 'Starsky view of DB' or 'Whose sitch is applicable that I can look to' or 'Cadet said that' or 'wisdom from Sandi needed here' .

Often posters mention resources that I find useful too, have you read No More Mr Nice Guy?; that was very informative to me and I think you might get something out of it too. Susan every extra tool, major increment in improving Susan is worth doing for Susan, irrespective of H. Some extra tools are worth having, other tools are useful if you are doing major repairs, others great for decorating, a wide range is useful. Extra fuses for when the lights go, washers for the leaky tap and a range of screwdrivers. Some of us when we arrive here only own a hammer and a wrench, not much use when the lights fuse.

There will be a point at which Susan will simply want to live her life as she is happy being who she is, just a warm functioning human being with an expanded tool box. Extra specialist tools have limited use for anyone other than a specialist. One soldering iron for general use is fine but a soldering iron for fine electronics may never be used by Susan. However if you enjoy it, go learn fine electronics, you have the soldering iron and magnifying glass.


V

[mahhhty]

At any rate, I've been trying to work on gratitude and WOA, but so far when I thank him for something he does around the house (say, doing the laundry or taking out the trash) he tends to say "don't thank me for that, it's nothing" and when I compliment him on something he'll say "no I'm not that good, that's not true." I don't know if I'm totally missing the mark here frown Or if his self esteem is really so low he can't take a compliment right now. And I don't know if that means I ought to continue with the compliments in spite of his words to the contrary.

You know what... I do the same thing. When X would thank me for something, I would say "Don't worry about it" or "You don't have to thank me." And I meant it. She shouldn't have to thank me for doing things I should be doing. HOWEVER, I liked that she noticed I was doing things, and honestly, I really did want her to thank me.

I have a slightly different spin on it... try to do something he knows you don't like, and if (and I do mean IF) he thanks you say, "Oh well I thought because you did X, a good thank you would be for me to do Y."

Just an idea!

[Starsky309]

Vanilla, I just always LOVE your analogies! You are hereby the DB Queen of the Analogies!!





Starsky

[Vanilla]

Vanilla, I just always LOVE your analogies! You are hereby the DB Queen of the Analogies!!





Starsky

So that is what they are?

I thought I was mixing my metaphors, was always told off for that at school. Mixed metaphors.......

That should be in my eulogy 'mixed her metaphors', I always thought is sounded like a disease and was a very bad thing indeed. But it cheers my clients up when I deliver bad news on their tax bills!

V

[Starsky309]

Yeah, analogies, metaphors, similes . . . who knows. You're talking to a guy that STILL can't remember when to use "straw man" or "red herring" in a debate, lol.

"Mixed Metaphors" -- BAND NAME!


Starsky

[susana4]

At any rate, I've been trying to work on gratitude and WOA, but so far when I thank him for something he does around the house (say, doing the laundry or taking out the trash) he tends to say "don't thank me for that, it's nothing" and when I compliment him on something he'll say "no I'm not that good, that's not true." I don't know if I'm totally missing the mark here frown Or if his self esteem is really so low he can't take a compliment right now. And I don't know if that means I ought to continue with the compliments in spite of his words to the contrary.

You know what... I do the same thing. When X would thank me for something, I would say "Don't worry about it" or "You don't have to thank me." And I meant it. She shouldn't have to thank me for doing things I should be doing. HOWEVER, I liked that she noticed I was doing things, and honestly, I really did want her to thank me.

I have a slightly different spin on it... try to do something he knows you don't like, and if (and I do mean IF) he thanks you say, "Oh well I thought because you did X, a good thank you would be for me to do Y."

Just an idea!

try to do something he knows you don't like, and if (and I do mean IF) he thanks you say, "Oh well I thought because you did X, a good thank you would be for me to do Y."
I like this. Thanks for the idea, mahhty! I will be trying this.

Recently I have been occasionally doing some things that I don't like doing (which are normally H's 'jobs' around the house), because I realised he does a lot of AoS and it didn't seem entirely fair. However his reaction's been mixed - sometimes he seems really pleased and says thank you and gives me a big smile and hug, other times he says "why did you do that? that's my job!" and seems almost a little annoyed I've stepped into his turf. But when he says thanks I haven't done your above suggestion, so I will try that too. Worth adding in to the mix