Susana (9) - I'm tired

[susana4]

So...H and I had a nice evening, ate nachos and watched a film. He even opened up to me about his emotions a little (that was one of my goals with my DB coach this week), about his stepmum but it was still good.

When I got in bed he came to say good night and I decided to ask if he wanted to stay in the bed, like my coach suggested. I chickened out a little, instead of asking if he wanted to move back to the bed (As in for good)I just said
"Do you want to sleep here?"
And he replied "no, I should go to the sofa."

I held it together in front of him pretty well and just lightly said "ok then, good night!" And made a joke about waking me up early but not too early.

But as soon as he left I kind of fell apart.

I just feel like I should give up on my sitch now. I know it's not like he said "absolutely not I want to D" but I just feel like he might as well have, he doesn't communicate what he's feeling so I kind of have to read between the lines and I have no hope for the future now.

He felt like he was moving torwards me but this just makes me question it and whether I was just imagining any progress.

Btw thanks burger and foolish for your support earlier with my rant.

[Zelda09]

Try not to put too much weight into it. I know it's hard. Remember, he might have felt the same way when you kicked him out the other night, saucy and playful or not.

Celebrate the goal, he is opening up!

Big picture - I know it feels like he is the one with all the control in this situation, but you are clearly moving some mountains within you and the dynamics all the same.

Be kind to yourself, it's ok to be tired. Learn a lesson from my stumbles and try not to push things to be ok and full on when you're exhausted maybe?

I know with me, it's almost a cycle of desperation and rejection, I go looking for a sign of hope or that things are going in the direction I want, and then I tell myself a negative story about how they're not, big pity party, and I wear myself down into a more desperate, upset, sad place where everything becomes increasingly magnified and then I'm looking for my next clue like a bloodhound, practically demanding it. I know we've been able to relate a bit, so I think the key is respecting the need for rest and turning the attention away when you find yourself there. Your insight above is key - it's not like he said he wanted a D, but it feels that way. Maybe you can work on getting back to a place where his little rejection would have been a point of interest for you rather than so heartfelt on your end?

I think you're doing fantastic, and you must be everything he says you are - one of the kindest, most amazing people! Plus, apparently you look really good in your underwear. Snuggle with these thoughts as you go to bed. There are plenty of fish in the seas for you if he turns out to be a fool Wishing you a strong place tomorrow.

[susana4]

Hi lovely Z, thank you fr your kind words.

I know I should celebrate the positives and that he opened up rather than focus on the negatives.

The opening up was quite interesting...
I have previously shied away from sharing my feeling because it isn't exactly DB, and in the past he told me he was overwhelmed by my feeling sometimes and feeling responsible for them. But my coach and I discussed sharing a little to "model" sharing feelings, and it seemed to work. (Plus I was exhausted of acting happy all the time and decided I might have to vent to him)

It was interesting and I'll have to experiment.
I asked "how are you feeling?" And he just answered "ok, you?" And I said "ok."
Some time passed and I asked again and again he just said "ok, you?" But this time I told him some frustrations I had at work. I spoke maybe a minute. And then he started telling me about how frustrated he was about stuff with his stepmum. And he spoke around 15 minutes!!!
I was shocked.

I am not as upset as I thought I would be about the bed thing. I cried a couple of minutes and stopped.

Now I feel more numb than anything.

Just a big defeated and like I should just move on.

My only consolation is he's making a lot of noise in the living room so I guess he's having trouble sleeping. I hope so anyway, lol.

You're right though Z, I am letting myself in to a cycle of exhaustion. I want it all, right now, too.

I need some rest. I am planning on going away next week. It will be nice to have a holiday.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I will be thinking of those as I go to sleep!

I have no doubt I could meet someone else, or be very happy on my own. I love living on my own. I just happen to like living with H more.

[susana4]

Having trouble sleeping.

It's been an hour and a half since we went to bed and I can hear H up too, he's restless, keeps walking around in the living room and I can hear him pouring himself glass after glass of sparkling water.

I know it's ridiculous to read more into it but my H never talks about his feelings and I really feel like him saying no to staying in the bed is just like him saying he still wants to D.

Nothing has changed.

I feel so hopeless.

I know he loves me, from the way he acts, but something is holding him back.

And I know I "rejected" him too last week.

Maybe I don't know how to handle no. He has said no to anything I've asked or suggested in our sitch so far, all the activities.

Why is it so hard for me then to hear no here? Why does it make me feel so hopeless?

[mahhhty]

susana - I caught up on this thread. But no where did I see what you are planning on doing, what 180s you are implementing or any talk about your course of direction. I did see a couple lists of the pros and cons from interactions, which I think is important. But a plan may be helpful. What do you think?

[Zelda09]

Maybe because you had hope and were looking forward to a H sleeping sober beside you? I get it, the disappointment must be hard. Expectations are the root of all suffering it seems. An activity, if it is rejected...it's different than an invite to be intimate, close as you used to be.

But also - sometimes when they have a lot on their mind, people like to be alone to pace and digest. It could be that, and there is always tomorrow or some time next week - you have opened that door and he may choose to walk in through it, later! How wonderful it is that the invite is there, it must have taken courage. YOu know it is one less obstacle for him and one more reason you may be at peace that you have tried. And it will help pave the way if he chooses. You never know what the outcome is, whether you see it right away or not.

If something is holding him back...does it make you feel any better to realize you can't do anything about it, even with your best DBing self? It's not a judgement on you, or some magic that you haven't found to turn this around. You're giving it the best shot it has, and that may be the only peace you have (though I wish we had that crystal ball for you.)

[susana4]

susana - I caught up on this thread. But no where did I see what you are planning on doing, what 180s you are implementing or any talk about your course of direction. I did see a couple lists of the pros and cons from interactions, which I think is important. But a plan may be helpful. What do you think?

Hi mahhhty, thanks for your comment I have been a little lazy about posting my 180s on the first post of my thread which I used to.

My 180s are:
-not being critical, and offering thanks and WOA instead
-not being reactive, and being less argumentative, taking at least 24 hours before bringing up anything that's upset me
-seeing IC to work on anxiety and mood

My coach and several others have mentioned recently it doesn't seem like this has stemmed from issues in my M, but rather something in H. We were transitioning from the honeymoon phase and he seems stumped on how to handle the challenges that arise in an M... (Or possibly he has a Disney-fied version of what an M entails). He has never really criticised me so my 180s are mainly things I want to change.

I have a few goals from my DB coach for this week, maybe I need a longer term plan not really sure.
Good point though, I should post these here

Goals from my DB coach this week:
-encourage H to share his feelings more, by asking open ended questions and validating, sharing my feelings a little but not too much (succeeded on this tonight but need to do more)
-invite H to move back into bed (did this tonight(
-find an activity over a weekend i can invite him to

[gogofo]

I see you are having your emotions shooting up and down. I know the feeling and have been there before, even when things seemed to be all positive. For me it was a matter of fatigue and not sleeping well. I know it is hard during times like this but take care of yourself physically and you will notice your mental health following suit.

[susana4]

Maybe because you had hope and were looking forward to a H sleeping sober beside you? I get it, the disappointment must be hard. Expectations are the root of all suffering it seems. An activity, if it is rejected...it's different than an invite to be intimate, close as you used to be.

But also - sometimes when they have a lot on their mind, people like to be alone to pace and digest. It could be that, and there is always tomorrow or some time next week - you have opened that door and he may choose to walk in through it, later! How wonderful it is that the invite is there, it must have taken courage. YOu know it is one less obstacle for him and one more reason you may be at peace that you have tried. And it will help pave the way if he chooses. You never know what the outcome is, whether you see it right away or not.

If something is holding him back...does it make you feel any better to realize you can't do anything about it, even with your best DBing self? It's not a judgement on you, or some magic that you haven't found to turn this around. You're giving it the best shot it has, and that may be the only peace you have (though I wish we had that crystal ball for you.)

Here's the messed up bit...I don't think I had expectations (in fact I thought he would probably say no even though my coach thought he would say yes) but I think I wouldn't have been happy even if he had said yes. When I envisioned different scenarios, I told myself if he said no that's ok because it doesn't change anything. He's already on the sofa. When I imagined him saying yes, I realised I probably wouldn't even be happy with that, because I'd think "ok he's here now, and what about tomorrow? And he still hasn't said he's committed so him sleeping here means nothing" etc. I realise this is probably a problem I need to address...

Thanks. It did take a lot of guts and I am glad I put it out there although I wished I'd phrased it differently. The way my coach suggested saying it made it sound like an offer to move back for good and I think the way I said it sounded more like a one time offer. I did think to myself "maybe he'll take me up on the offer later" but then I tried to squash that thought because I didn't want to get my hopes up.

Heh, you know, you would think it would make me feel better but I'm a way it's the thing freaking me out the most. And I know it's linked up to my desire to control outcomes. But the thing is, before i discovered DB I was sad because I was convinced my M was over and there was nothing to be done. Then I found DB and saw that sometimes one person can effect change and I thought "well I can try this, I can own me part and change things". But the more and more i dig into my sitch and the more I think maybe it's his issues and not to do with me, it actually freaks me out. Because that means there's not much I can do here big equally scary not much I can do to prevent this happening in the future to me again. And since there were no signs leading up to it it's not like it's even something I could predict on the future...

[susana4]

I see you are having your emotions shooting up and down. I know the feeling and have been there before, even when things seemed to be all positive. For me it was a matter of fatigue and not sleeping well. I know it is hard during times like this but take care of yourself physically and you will notice your mental health following suit.

Thanks Gogofo. I probably do need more sleep! I didn't sleep well last week (was up too late teasing/making out/ML, lol!) and then over the weekend I tried to catch up but it still wasn't enough - and now I've come down with a throat infection which isn't helping!