Hey Luke. You know, I kinda feel sometimes that you dont get why you still feel a certain way about something. Like you have this timeline in your head and when you dont meet it, it upsets you.
This isnt linear. The feelings go up and down and around and through.
And relatively speaking, you are still pretty early into all of this. Yea, sorry about that.
I will tell you this. I thought I wouldnt ever get over the pain of the betrayal. There were many levels of betrayal in my sitch. But speaking about the ow, in particular.
It was once a deep, searing pain...it is now pretty much a dull ache from time to time if I think about it.
I had a bit of a nasty OW as she sent flowers to my home to xh and she called me...so, yea, no fun there.
And he was in the home for a large part of his affair. So, I had a front row seat. Also, no fun.
I have forgiven him. Really and truly. It is not my place to judge him. I have compassion for him as I saw his crisis clearly, without a doubt. He became a shell of the man I knew. It is still very sad to me.
She was an exit affair. An old gf from before me. It lasted about 2 and a half years, I think. She is long gone and he is a tunnel hugger...
It has changed me..all of this. I am not the same person I was. I am thankful for the journey, though, I wish I didnt have to learn what I needed to in the way that I learned it.
But if I didnt, it would be a different journey.
So, you feel how you do and its ok. Its a hurtful thing all of that. Hard to get your mind around at times and heartbreaking and soulcrushing.
I can tell you that you wont always feel as you do now. The rawness of your feelings will continue to fade.
An affair, is a symptom, its a crappy one, its a horrible one, but its also just another step in a pattern of things that usually happen in a an unhappy or unfulfilling marriage.
I respectfully disagree. And in good company. The late great Frank Pittman, among many other relationship counsellors, did not consider an affair, adultery, call it what you will, to be a symptom of the marriage but of an individual's unhappiness and their failure to deal with it. It is a poor and immature way of dealing with it to blame the marriage.
Blaming the marriage lets them off the hook. Let's not buy into it here please in a divorce busting site.
I am not saying we were perfect or that the relationship was.
An affair, is a symptom, its a crappy one, its a horrible one, but its also just another step in a pattern of things that usually happen in a an unhappy or unfulfilling marriage.
I respectfully disagree. And in good company. The late great Frank Pittman, among many other relationship counsellors, did not consider an affair, adultery, call it what you will, to be a symptom of the marriage but of an individual's unhappiness and their failure to deal with it. It is a poor and immature way of dealing with it to blame the marriage.
Blaming the marriage lets them off the hook. Let's not buy into it here please in a divorce busting site.
I am not saying we were perfect or that the relationship was.
Speaking strictly from personal experience -- in our sitch the R/M was really good until the depression/MLC hit and the affair "just happened" between what I really can now see as the overlap between Anger & Replay. Not saying we didn't have issues -- but nothing deal-breaking and certainly nothing that couldn't be fixed with some professional help (ex: communication patterns).
Sorry to high-jack the thread Cali :-)
BTW -- you posted on my thread yesterday something about seeing some posts re: MLCers' perceptions of us relevant to jobs/employment... Where did you see that? I'm really curious.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
I read your post yesterday on my way to church and kinda chuckled ... not with what you said .. but us men are visual creatures and one struck me ... I am not quite sure how you fit into any of your tops having to tuck those ginormous angel wings into them!! You are a pure honest God send ... and yes, I bought a MLC time table online and when things do not follow it I get flustered ... *smirk. I think what got me is that bit of rage that took over so fast, that jacked me up more than anything, just noting it here so I can deal with it...not stuffing it under that rug that looks like it has a dead dog under it already.
Beatrice
I get where you are coming from, and in a way I see the point. Not that MLC excuses the A by any means ... but I think if the MLC'rs actually did deal with problems maturely as you said ... they would not go out on spending sprees, have A's, leave the marriage, turn their world upside down along with those close to them, by no means am I giving them a free pass here. I do think there is a chemical imbalance that renders them somewhat handicapped but they appear fully functional to those who are not close to them, even those who are close most likely scratch their heads thinking wtf is this person doing? I have only been slightly exposed to Mr Pittman and assume he like other 'authorities' in the marriage counseling circles do not officially recognize MLC .... maybe its us LBS's who are the crazy ones then eh?
Yesterday I picked up S and took him to baseball practice. He had a really bad attitude during the game the night before, we have about a 30 minute drive (Soon to be done with that and THIS guy can not wait) so I use that time to talk to him about things, usually fun stuff but every now and then ya have to be a Father. He was frustrated at where he was playing and where in the line up he was hitting as he has gone 4-4 in 2 games. I explained to him some advice I learned somewhere. Control what you can .. yourself. The rest will take care of it. I explained he needs to throw hard (he often just lobs) run hard (more hustle) and swing hard. he keeps that up and the coaches will take notice. Dude played like a kid possessed and got some atta boys from the other coaches ... I am not sure but I think Michelle could twist DB into a Parenting DB book easily and make a mint. (Just send your pal Cali a Christmas card and I will help...lol)
So W arrives at practice, her neck is back to hurting again, she looks horrible, aged 10 years. I was just going to leave for my RCIA class and she starts in on me a bit .. I stayed calm, she was upset I only told the coaches S would be leaving early and did not tell S and now he would be upset with her, its all her fault .. bla bla. I told her that I am not to blame got her R with S, thats between the two of them. I went and told S goodbye and did give him a heads up about leaving ealry, told him how proud of him I was with his play that night.
On the way to RCIA W TM me, an actual apology, saying the pain has her cranky and she was sorry .. and that today marked 2 years BIL3 has been incarcerated. I replied a bit later with a simple "I'm really sorry, I know it has not been easy on you" and left it at that.
RCIA class ... felt good to be there as I missed the last week. We shared our stories, why we were there, it was funny.. I DJ in front of about 200 people every week, but speaking about personal things to 30 people is much harder. I was vague but did share some of my life. As I listened I seen people who were there for various reasons, then this girl who sits a table away from me gets up. She was bawling her eyes out, but pulled enough strenght to share she lost her Husband in May, was trying to figure out how to kill herself just to be with him, questioned God and why He took him, and slowly started to get out of the house, came to RCIA ... was a moving story and not many dry eyes were in attendance. Leaving I shook my head... thinking I had it bad, the pain that poor woman was feeling I could relate to but only a fraction. Sometimes as bad as things get its an eye opener to realize there are people FAR worse off, ones who would love a chance to have the opportunities I have ... very humbling experience.
W TM this morning, in pain. I looked at the text, not reading into it but she still comes to me when in need. That is hard to be mean and turn my back on her, if anything I have been the rock in all this. She questioned why God was doing this to her, Ihave been very careful not to preach ... I am the last person justified to do so .. I simply validated her, told her I did not have that answer, that is between her and God. I refrained from fixing ... let her talk a bit and she said she needed a travel bag to carry her work items. She was looking online, I told her I had the Amazon Prime and she could get free 2 day shipping .... she actually added her card on the account and purchased what she wanted ... thanked me later. I felt that was a neighborly thing to do, no expectations .. I just felt good about it.
So ... today is a new day, PMA is high, taking S to the store to get our supplies for the Leprechaun trap we need to build Sunday .... Softball tonight against our friendly rival and going out with them after, should be fun.
People can be happy in a marriage till they aren't. One thing about life it's constantly changing. It takes some internal work to be happy. Has nothing to do with the other person.
