Old dog seeks new trick 10

[Old Dog]

Thank you everyone for your empathy. I have calmed down a bit now and will have an early night and tomorrow I will STFU.

I've also just been reading about (UK) child maintenance rates just to get an idea of the legals. There's a whole lot of useful information about separation and how to handle it.

[Vanilla]

OD

That is reality lovely one. I would be keeping copies and photographs for my L as evidence.

You can do whatever you want to do, go to mums, go back to your flat or ask W not to come home. Up to you.

It is your boundary OD, be strong and choose.

If it were me the boundary would be do not disrespect me with this junk in my home. Keep it in your desk at work. Not in my home, car or beside my bed. It is disrespectful to flaunt this to me in my home.

W, if you have an A with OM, show me the respect of keeping this to yourself and away from my home, if I find this type of evidence again In my home then I will not hesitate to use it as I please including destroying it. This includes calls emails, cards and telephone calls in my home and near the children.

OD this is unfair, and wayward, I just want to wrap you up and pass you large glasses of red wine and pizza. Listen with Mza, Susan and RPP and ensure that you have our support.

You do have my strength projected to you across the miles.

It is stinky.

V

[Old Dog]

Can't sleep funnily enough. I've bashed the hell out if her pillows and sworn my best/worst.

I've also photographed the evidence and am thinking of either shredding them or burning them.

As well as feeling anger at her, I am also feeling anger and shame myself for failing to be the husband I should have been.

This is so hard to deal with. I wonder if I will ever be able to be a worthy partner and if is making me cry buckets right now.

I am also aware that this is self pity and not something I want to indulge in. I desperately want to leave any passive aggressive, or even just passive, behaviour behind.

I feel so alone, betrayed, embarrassed and whole lot more crappy feelings. It's been nine horrible months since bomb day and I just want it to end now. I don't feel at all strong. My beautiful wife has gone when I need her the most.

I think you can tell I'm not at my most perky at the moment but I will sure this night, I will survive tomorrow ... and the next day.

Somehow.

[Old Dog]

This, from Underdog, is from Maybell's thread and it's something I need to address too.

I wonder why I chose to overlook my feelings that something was amiss in my marriage? I wonder why I felt it was in my best interest not to ask more direct questions and get answers, because it's important to me to have truth in my marriage.

Because I was afraid. I was afraid of rocking the boat, of disturbing the equilibrium, even if it wasn't right, getting it wrong, making a fool of myself, being embarrassed, rejection, abandonment, not being good enough

... and change.

All of those things have happened now and I was right to fear them, it is a terrible terrible feeling, but wrong not to do more about fixing them.

I hear many business people say failure is a learning curve. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself down and go again.

[raliced]

Can't sleep funnily enough. I've bashed the hell out if her pillows and sworn my best/worst.

I've also photographed the evidence and am thinking of either shredding them or burning them.

As well as feeling anger at her, I am also feeling anger and shame myself for failing to be the husband I should have been.

This is so hard to deal with. I wonder if I will ever be able to be a worthy partner and if is making me cry buckets right now.

I am also aware that this is self pity and not something I want to indulge in. I desperately want to leave any passive aggressive, or even just passive, behaviour behind.

Respectfully, I don't think it's self pity. It is very natural and appropriate grief (Suspecting an affair is one thing, knowing about it is another, being confronted with the evidence is something even more), with some self-flagellation, rather than pity thrown in.

Old Dog- I can tell you there is a bit of a silver lining here, believe it or not. At this point you have pretty much faced the worst, no? And I can tell you that strength starts to form from this point forward, if you are so inclined.

Also, I'm glad you're reflecting on some self-improvement but - seriously - cut yourself some slack here about not being the husband you should have. I bet she wasn't always the wife you needed either. This is the case for most marriages - and you can choose to work through the issues or you can do what your wife did.

Right now are you more proud of your behavior or that of Mrs. Dog?

[raliced]

Also - Have you ever read any of Zew's threads? He also dealt (or is dealing) with what is basically an in-house separation, although his wife sounds a lot more ornery. Rather a good example of making peace with a bad situation.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2430506#Post2430506

Chin Up.

[Old Dog]

Thanks for your kind words raliced. Every cloud has a silver lining :-) You're probably don't know David Essex over there, but that was a big hit in the 70s.

Yes, I may be in the gutter but I'm looking up at the stars :-) How do I manage to write this stuff? You're right though and I'm one step closer to detachment and getting on with my life. It's just everything is a little blurred at the moment. Wait a minute while I dry my eyes ... that's better.

WAW has finally turned up stinking of booze and fallen asleep immediately, snoring like a pig. No wait, it's turned into a motorboat now.

Maybe I am hard on myself but I really don't want to be caught going deepen the same rise again as far as passive aggressiveness is concerned. And I do want to understand why I didn't or couldn't do what she needed.

I am far more able to do that now because I've read books but I would still have to learn and practice. However it doesn't come naturally and there's a reason for that and any othe fears which I'd like to eliminate.

I have read some zew bit not for a while. There are so any a sing people struggling to do their best on here and not enough time.

And lastly, thank you for asking if I'm proud of my behaviour or that of Mrs Dog. What a wonderful question. You are a superstar for asking it.

[gan]

(((not so Old Dog)))

Just catching up - so sorry to read about the events of the past couple of days. That must have been extremely difficult to read.

As odd as it may seem, you sound like you are in a "good" place. Reflective of things you could have done differently (and thus open to improving you), able to see that you are not the only one who made mistakes in the marriage, even holding on to your sense of humour in spite of all of this...I think this is all very healthy. Sounds to me like the dam has broken. I know for me things started getting better (for me, not the M necessarily) when this all happened.

Old Dog, I think you are finally in a place where you can act more decisively (even if that just means working on you). Maybe things are blurry right now, but clarity will come and you are not sounding as powerless now. That's the silver lining.

[Old Dog]

It was definately hard to read especially the 'bond' thing. It is written in a way that suggests they've been to see 50 shades of grey. And, the valentines card was addressed to 'fusta' which, looked aup and means whip or crop and apprently was her nickname when she used to live in Spain before I knew her. She never ever told me that.

I feel such a fool and I'm so tired now, not having had much sleep last night. I looked at her and listened to her drunken snoring and I hated her. I know this isn't good for me, but mindfulness exercises can only do so much.

[Sotto]

Hi OD - just checking in, and glad to see you have had so many messages of support. You are facing the worst right now, and do you know what? You'll be okay. For me today is an antiversary of discovering my H's inappropriate emails to OW. It was really hard to read all his compliments to her, and him saying to her 'I can't stop thinking about you' late at night - ugh.

The thing I would say is I had four months between discovering those emails (and H purportedly breaking things off) when I was so worried he may be having an A. When he admitted a PA, my reaction was - well, the worst has happened - and I'm okay actually. We worry so much about it, it's a relief in a way when it actually happens!

I think if you plan to continue with in-house S, I would take note of Vs advice on boundaries and not be afraid to set them with your W. She is fully wayward ATM. Do so calmly and assertively and be very specific. Post things first here if you're unsure.

We're all here for you OD, and you will get through this intact - truly you will ((()))