Maybell XXXI

[Burger]

Maybell,

If my parents AND my STBX think I'm worthless it's hard not to believe them.

Nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve learned so much from reading your story and following your journey.

I can’t say it any better than Old Dog:

And know this Maybell. You are a tower of strength and an inspiration to many others on here just by being you.

You have certainly helped me and I thank you for it.

Thank-you and take care! hugs

[Ahoy]

Maybell, that whole rigamarole about "finding themselves" is so ridiculous. And you're right that he probably doesn't notice the kind of person he's become. I love the sap rising metaphor. I can't wait to get my paperwork filed and join you in that next step of moving forward. Thank you for all your kind words of support, always. You are truly an inspiration.

[Underdog]

his morning I was thinking about STBX's claim that he was leaving to find himself because he knows everyone better than he knows himself. And I was feeling down about it, until I realized: what he has discovered about himself is that he is an unreliable guy who will lie, cheat, hurt people who love him and to whom he has a responsibility. Also that he's more than capable of lying to himself about who he is. It must svck to learn that about himself. Assuming he's noticed.

Maybell, this is a gentle reminder to watch this type of internal narrative. It's judgmental and assuming, and it doesn't work in good relationships with anyone. I would hate to be on the end of this narrative. Simply put? You don't know what is going on in someone else's head and you can't know how they are managing it. Remember the advice to assume that other people are doing the best job they can with the tools they have today? It will go a LONG way in exhibiting compassion and empathy for others. It's never about us.

I have to say that my dad had a similar response as yours when I was in my 20s and in a crisis of sorts. I told him I needed some time to figure stuff out, and asked if he would support a semester off from school. He mocked me instead. I literally hated him for not trying to understand how disconnected I was with myself. We could barely speak for a few years, and my mom was the one voice of sanity for me. I wasn't sure about my faith. I wasn't sure who I was. I wasn't sure if my friends were supporting my wariness or being supportive of me getting answers. I didn't feel at home in my own skin, and I honestly didn't know where to begin so I could feel better. I had 2 sets of friends: my party crowd (who I can see now were never friends) and the ones who truly cared. The first thing I did was dump my party pals. They had a similar reaction to this ^^^. Sure, they had a 50-50 chance of being right. But they weren't. They wanted me drinking, smoking pot and going to parties instead of getting my degree. I was called a snob. Someone who got too into herself over nothing. And they called me judgmental. It was not about them. I realized that the lifestyle no longer worked for me.

I'm not saying that your H's choices are stellar by our norms or society's in general. But you really have no idea what he's feeling, and it's not serving you well to have these types of internal dialogues. I think most everyone has a time of crisis in their life. Maybe 2. I would want anyone who cared about me to give me a break.

On a positive note, the Rip Van Winkle metaphor is a good one. Use your super powers for this type of good. It's positive and uplifting. And it will make a difference.

Hugs-
Betsey

[Ahoy]

Maybell,
Of course I agree with Underdog that people have crises all the time. I think perhaps the difference in the crisis Underdog describes and the one your and my H are going through is that in our cases, the Hs are doing significant harm to others through their actions and are not being honest. It's hard not to want to develop a narrative to explain their confusing behavior. But Underdog is right in that it does us no good to try to come up with a narrative -- there is no explanation that will really help.

[Maybell]

OK, Betsey, I take your point. I don't like it, but I take it.

I do question how he expected to find himself in one-night stands and why it was necessary to lie to me CONSTANTLY in order to find himself all while claiming he wanted to get away from me so he can be authentic. But OK. It's not constructive so I will try not to do it.

[Underdog]

Why not turn that around into something that is about you and authentic?

Instead of this cheeseless tunnel and trap:

I do question how he expected to find himself in one-night stands and why it was necessary to lie to me CONSTANTLY in order to find himself all while claiming he wanted to get away from me so he can be authentic.

Try this instead:

"I wonder why I chose to overlook my feelings that something was amiss in my marriage? I wonder why I felt it was in my best interest not to ask more direct questions and get answers, because it's important to me to have truth in my marriage?"

Empower yourself, my friend. It's nothing but a tweak in your head, Maybell. As I said yesterday, your filter need to be changed.

[Maybell]

Snow day today!

So I was browsing through Pinterest with my morning coffee. I have an inspiration board of quotes and the line of thought running through the back of my mind was about simple living, time management, and how to make my new home more zen. Betsey's observations about my filter were all mixed up in there too, and thoughts of how much more accepting I am of other people's flaws than of my own. Then my friend T texted me.

T has been a rock for me through all this. When I was in my darkest moments she checked in with me constantly so I wouldn't feel alone. I don't know how many times I cried into warm beverages in her kitchen. She's been full of support and wisdom and cheer. She is so wonderful. She was the first one, in one of my darkest days before I found this forum, to tell me I needed to find my sense of worth.

She's also part of one of the most exciting marriages I've ever witnessed. Not that their days are so exciting in the adventure sense, but that they are mutually involved (not merely supportive) in one another's aspirations. They have complaints about each other but they are also full of praise for one another. They laugh. They both Show Up for each other. They both describe themselves as lucky to be with the other.

T told me a few months ago that she absolutely feels pretty. I think that's a big part of her success. She never has to fight herself to do the things she cares about. And in addition to her beautiful marriage she achieves amazing things daily.

All this went through my head this morning and it occurred to me that feeling myself as beautiful is a sense I can cultivate the same as happiness. I'm not sure exactly how to do it but I decided that for today that means avoiding the things that make me feel ugly. To move closer to my dream of a zen home HERE and as much as possible reinforce YES and CAN and watch for no and helplessness so I can be aware enough to contradict them.

I found a cool quote today that I need to go back to. I can't remember it exactly so I'm not going to spoil it -- but I think I'm going to change my tag line. I can do better than merely "well."

[Zues126]

Maybe you should try to steal her husband...

OK, seriously, first off I'm happy you have a friend like that. I do as well. It's good to have someone in your corner.

I posted something on my thread you might enjoy. Not on subject, but check it out.

What comes to my mind when I read your thread, though, is the difference between how you feel and how things are.

So again (I'll beat this to death), I play a LOT of games. I am a super competitor. And what I've learned is that how I feel doesn't have anything to do with reality. I might be playing a game and I FEEL helplessly lost. I FEEL outclassed. I FEEL like I'm off my game.

But what makes me a consistent winner is that even when I FEEL that way, I don't let those feelings control my actions. Instead I do what works. I don't give up. I make good decisions. I try my hardest on every opportunity. And I have FAITH that if I do those things, good things will happen despite how I FEEL.

Sure enough, something good will happen. I'll catch a break. My opponent will fumble. Something. Suddenly good things start going my way, and I make a seemingly miraculous comeback.

I've been told I'm the best at "coming from behind" around, and people tell me it's amazing how no matter how far behind I am I never get discouraged. I laugh. I sure DO get discouraged. But I've learned when you don't let emotions steer your ship and do what's effective, eventually you succeed and the positive emotions will come as a result of your success.

You may feel worthless, broken, ugly, etc. Whatever. Make good decisions today and when you look in the mirror tonight you'll FEEL a WHOLE LOT BETTER!

TAKE CARE!

[SunnyB]

Maybell, Bets has been recommending Cheryl Richardson to me. I had a book of hers from years ago that I had tried to read and I just couldn't get through it. But I took another look and I'm ready now. Maybe you are, too. I think it would help you with the way you view yourself.

[mustardseed]

I love your new quote! I think along the same lines of feeling pretty, and focusing on what makes you beautiful is keeping a gratitude journal. A few years ago I would keep one on and off. It did help through the beginning of this journey, but I kind of fallen off the wagon. I got too caught up in the misery after the last yo-yo. But I downloaded an app called gratitude! and it reminds me every day to make a list. I need it more than ever because my confidence is shaken in almost every way. Winters are always hard for me, my emotions are very tied to seasonal shifts and I always get the winter blues. So forcing myself every day to list 5 things I am grateful for--especially the things that I a not sure about--helps. For example, I woke up one day feeling worrried about a work situation so I made sure I added "Thank you for giving me the confidence and competence to succeed." And it really helped and made for a great day.

Finding the silver linings in the dark clouds and focusing on that is really helpful in making easier to face reality.