This time, same thing, she contacted him, all conversation at first sexual..she mentioned she loved him for past 7yrs, he said he always loved her, she mentioned commitment, he ignored her a few days. Few days later, they chatted, he ignored her again (so twice now in just about week and a half.) Yesterday she said she knows he's all fantasy but 'needs time to sort out her feelings for him'.mentioned he's an idiot, said she's done with him next they talk...we'll see. We're 5000km away from him. He has no intent on coming here, and legally, she can't be with him and take the kids. Shitty situation, but this was all his and her doing. Vthink she realizes that, but is so far deep in a hole is afraid what to do next. Of course, I understand he'll contact her (again), only to ignore her later (again). And, she'll be hurt (again)...wonder how long this BS goes on till she "gets" it. Or, how long the horrendous and lonley marriage she's determined to believe in her head, brings her back down to reality. I'm sure eventually she'll see thru her own BS..fingers crossed.
Last edited by Mac00; 03/04/1509:39 PM.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
If she has indeed been pining for him all these years -- and WITH him for the past month -- you're in for a very long withdrawal period I'm afraid, even IF she goes 100% stone-cold no-contact. And each new contact will reset her withdrawal "clock" to 0:00:00.
Sorry to be so pessimistic, but I'd rather you know what you're up against.
No, you're right absolutely. Thing is, she's happy, then this..knowing they can't, and won't be together (he likes his multiple sexual partners and wants to be free from monogomous, she can't go to him with the kids by relocating, and she wants a monogamous loyal commitment. Hell, its in their past texts..she mentions commitment and 'feelings', and he's ignoring her..cruelly calling days later 'sorry, didn't mean to, was a pocket dial..'...stringing her along to satisfy his ego.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
I'm going to see if he calls tonight while I'm in bed. If so, she won't answer..BUT. If and when he does, I'm asking her right there in bed.."are you seriously done with him?" If she says yes, I'll ask her to answer and tell him.."I" will then ask for the phone, verify he heard her say she's done, and then let him know that if he contactsvher/us via phone, email,text, or bloody telekenisis, I'll contact police and press charges for harassment, and hang up. I will then tell her if she contacts him, I'll make certain she leaves the house, money or not, post haste. I'll mention transparency, and be back off to bed. A NC being drawn up and sent in the morning.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Try to make her understand that the NC and transparency is as much for HER as it is for YOU. Its purpose is to give her body and her emotions the separation that they need in order to begin to heal, to "get over him." You can even say "Whether or not you then want to fully commit to ME, is a totally different topic and I understand that will have as much to do with me as it will with you. But you owe it to YOURSELF to completely cut it off with this guy, and maybe even get some individual counseling to figure out just what it is you want out of life. Just know that I can't stay in an open marriage, so I'll understand if you can't agree with this."
That's how I began to pitch it yesterday when she said she was done with him..from her perspective, no mention of a 'gain' for me. And, honestly it IS better for her, AND the only way she can really see the reality that has been so badly tainted, with the respect to our marriage. I evenvwmpathized by mentioning how "I" saw 'us' when she did this the first time, and I became part of an EA..how I too believed SHE wasnt for me, and that I distorted, and truly believed, what I 'thought' was real, even tho it wasn't.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
The only reason I'm holdin' on, are her questions about my upbeat mood, about how I look fine and am moving on (GAL), and the usual references to my committal, and my "love" for her.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
I've continued to spend more time (most) out of the basement, and play with my kids SO much more. (My little guy is starting to read, and enjoy it-his teacher told me he was falling behind, an though Tabby tried one night, he didn't respond to well to it). Tabby's being more talkative with me as well...asks if I have plans, and if not, asks if I'd like to go out with her and the boys (shopping, ect.) She's NC with OM still, instead focusing on career aspirations at the moment. I've been reading a @#%& load of stuff online as well..Love Bank, deposits, withdrawals, ect., his needs/her needs, and trying to implement what I'm learning. Last night was..different. First time we've gone to bed and honestly, cuddled in probably 6-8 months. First time in over a month I truly slept. Though, I get tempted to jump right in head first, I realize I must be CAUTIOUSLY optimistic. I think she reached out in her own way the other day. She went grocery shopping, and was gone 3hrs. She texted me an hr and a half after she left, stuck in a lineup at a car wash (verified) to let me know where she was and she'd be longer than anticipated. Was shocked, she hasn't done that since we dated (it felt good). Said she was going to Walmart (where I work as loss prevention) when wash was done. Sure enough, (verified) when I saw the video next day. Also found the paperwork from a lawyer at Legal Aid dated 3 Feb. Said "fill out and return by ..." Was never filled out or returned. Not sure what to expect, but will continue to loosely "trust" but verify. Just odd..she has been more responsive when I attempt (slowly and honestly) to address her emotional needs as well. She HATED me 3 weeks ago.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
