Did it all. W continued to claim I was controlling her. I just kept telling her that they are my boundaries. She asked what my definition of boundaries was: "Things and actions that go against my morals and values that I cannot accept happening for me to be happy." Thought about that one for a little while.
She claimed "I cannot help where my heart went." I said "I know, I cannot either."
She said: "I thought we would be able to work things out amicably?" I said, "That cannot really happen if my boundaries are continually being disrespected."
She claimed I was kicking her out. I said "I can see it feeling that way. I am giving you a choice, it is your decision." She was definitely getting emotional while she was packing her bags. Her choice, her consequences. I showed none. She asked what are we going to do with our S3. I said "This is his home." She asked where he was going to be tonight (my mothers or home). I told her I would let her know, as she really wants to see him. Said that is fine. I will let you know and you can come over. I cannot keep her from our S3. That is something I believe every child should have.
I assume she is going over to his place. She may tell him some things. He will likely manipulate all of this as me being some evil POS, as that is what he has always been doing, I assume. AA is all sorts of continual reinforcement of negative feelings. Annoying.
One thing W often mentioned in her meetings, apparently, was that she was glad she had hit rock bottom and was on her way back up, apparently citing that she had found someone else (AA strongly suggests not working with a member of the opposite sex given the nature of the program and how open you are to be with everyone). After sharing these things in the meetings, she was told by many of the older attendees "not yet..." with respect to having an affair and hitting rock bottom again. I definitely do not want her to do that, but her decisions, she knows the consequences. She always told me that I have to do things for myself, make sure I am happy before making others happy. OK then.
Not like I was the one enduring her chemical dependence issues, trying to get her to get help, trying to get her to get therapy, trying to do things better for myself. Trying to make her happy overall. Trying to make all of this work out, trying to make our lives better. If she does not want to see those things, or be blinded by everything this guy says, then that is fine. I was not the one who had an affair through all of this. I cannot change change the way she feels or thinks.
See how long this lasts. Not expecting anything. Not sure if she will bring OM over or not at some point, or if he will come over on his own. Pretty sure I can send him away. If he wants to talk, I can tell him a few things, maybe teach him about boundaries and consequences for decisions. Likely will not listen. Though he has made many poor decisions in his life. Maybe I can bring some of those up....or have tact and take the high road. We will see.
Did it all. W continued to claim I was controlling her. I just kept telling her that they are my boundaries. She asked what my definition of boundaries was: "Things and actions that go against my morals and values that I cannot accept happening for me to be happy." Thought about that one for a little while.
That is as good of a definition as I've ever seen. DEFINITELY as good as I've ever seen anyone DELIVER, on the fly. Nicely done, sir!
Did it all. W continued to claim I was controlling her. I just kept telling her that they are my boundaries. She asked what my definition of boundaries was: "Things and actions that go against my morals and values that I cannot accept happening for me to be happy." Thought about that one for a little while.
She claimed "I cannot help where my heart went." I said "I know, I cannot either."
She said: "I thought we would be able to work things out amicably?" I said, "That cannot really happen if my boundaries are continually being disrespected."
She claimed I was kicking her out. I said "I can see it feeling that way. I am giving you a choice, it is your decision." She was definitely getting emotional while she was packing her bags. Her choice, her consequences. I showed none. She asked what are we going to do with our S3. I said "This is his home." She asked where he was going to be tonight (my mothers or home). I told her I would let her know, as she really wants to see him. Said that is fine. I will let you know and you can come over. I cannot keep her from our S3. That is something I believe every child should have.
You handled this very well. ^^^
Getting an almost immediate grip on how to handle the "YOU'RE BEING CONTROLLING!" thing is imperative in these sitches. Otherwise, it will be used as a deflection (at best) or a WEAPON (at worst) against you Every. Step. Of. The. Way.
Thank you Starsky, that means a lot coming from such a highly respected individual.
I am normally a quick learner when my head is on straight. Just took a little too long. Unfortunately that is what knowing that you are losing your best friend, whom was always there for you, will do. He was a wonderful pup.
I emailed her to tell her that our S3 will be at my parent's house for the night as I plan to go out with friends. Then told her when I will pick him up.
She just emailed me confirming our S's time together, making it is OK she comes over. Will reply to this.
She then sent me another email saying that her computer just crashed. The fan blew out apparently. "F'ing awesome. You probably knew that all along. So I have no device from which to do my homework now. Karma, right?". Should I reply do this?
With the first email, she also hoped that I have a good time. She also asked if she could pay me for the cell phone service...thinking to just send her a link and let her figure it out.
With the first email, she also hoped that I have a good time. She also asked if she could pay me for the cell phone service...thinking to just send her a link and let her figure it out.
W sent a third email last night talking about getting a resume off her crashed computer for a job. She then asked me if I had gotten it in my email at some point.
Of the 3 emails. I replied to the first one about our S, with a link for the cell phone service.
Not sure if I should help her with her schooling or job stuff, or if I should just let her be independent (what she said she wanted anyway) and let her figure it all out herself. Part of me says it will be beneficial to the family, but then I think it will just benefit her and someone else if she does leave for good.
She came home this morning and was in the shower when I brought our S in. S wanted to go to the store. I asked W if she wanted to go. She obliged. Complained about her computer dying. I did tell her that I honestly did not know if was going to do that. She wants to buy her own laptop, and wants to get some stuff off of the old one. I told her it can be done, without offering my services. I suppose I could ask her to pay me to do the work at the going rate of other computer services...
No difficult conversations so far. Some laughs actually.
Yesterday I told her that her phone was shut off too, the whole communications devices thing. Specifically mentioned it too. I said "Your phone is part of the communications, it has been shut off as well. It may still work for a little while, but will likely stop at some point. You can do that yourself too."
W asked about her phone service again today. Apparently S3 called her and she could hear him, but he could not hear her. She said it was "weird." Yes it would be, I agree. She asked about paying me for the service. I said "I sent you the link to the service provider in the email and you can set up your own account." She said "I thought it would be easier. So, you turned my phone off? You said that you CAN turn it off." I told her that I said I turned it off....pretty much repeated what I said in the first paragraph here.
Again, she hears what she wants to hear....like she has always done. Not listening to people has always just gotten her into trouble.
