I think you really did good with ML and not making a big deal out of it. If you act okay with that, then H will calm down. Funny, H is taking his nonverbal cues from you.
As for the snacks & movie, excellent! It's good to leave H alone and allow him space to just to enjoy himself.
susana4 - I follow your sitch intermittently and there's much I want to say, but for now I'll just talk about my experience about sex.
I was with my "college girlfriend" (from 20 to 25 yo) for 5 years and we lived together. I'm the one who broke up with her. That's when I ot "sex with ex". It was fantastic. The desire and the sensations were back to the top and more. I don't know what her hopes were, but there were no doubts in my mind about the break up. My desire came, I think, from the fact that I was about to let go of that W. That my access to her was about to be rescinded. That she was going to be with another man eventually. To me, that explains why your WAH focused so much on you. He wanted to affirm his ownership of you, to leave his mark. He was competing with other men, consciously or not.
Thanks for the insight Mozza. This ^^ is pretty awful and freaks me out. Makes me think I shouldn't have ML and shouldn't again.
One thing, I don't know if it's relevant here, H and I always had a great sex life, even during troubled times. I have a higher sex drive but was really happy with our sex life.
He was always very focused on my pleasure, which I understood when we were together because he loved me, but less so now.
He told me when we first got together that I was the first partner who he ever really cared about getting off. Previously, he said, he'd been selfish, and only focused on his own pleasure, because he'd never cared for or loved anyone as much as he felt about me, and it was the first time he cared. Not to say he didn't give previous partners pleasure, but he said he wasn't very focused on it and was very selfish.
Originally Posted By: Mozza
In my current sitch, WAS and I ML twice during the week of "separation talks". The last time, it lasted for hours. Yet, it was still our last time and she went off with an OM.
Why is he doing it now? Because the desire built up. Because those tickle fights pumped up his testosterone. I'm surprised he held for that long. It might also be that he feels closer to losing you. I don't see it as a sign that his thought is evolving.
I'm sorry it doesn't sound more positive. I'm an optimist on these boards, but I also believe that sitches tend to last a very long time and go through difficult times. What you're doing now will have an impact in months, when he's looking back at what he left behind. I doubt that it will have an impact on his immediate decision. You keep on doing it though, because it can only help, but keep the big picture in mind.
Thanks Mozza. What discourages me is that I understand these sitches take a long time, but he and I haven't been together that long and I feel like it must be correlated to the length of the R. I want to save my M but at some point relative to the length of the M I think I will have to give up. I don't know what point. I've heard of people's sitches lasting several years and that would be the length of our R.
Keep on doing what? (Sorry, maybe being a bit thick here!)
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
susana, you can't "nice" him back into the relationship. The snacks, the ML, the attention -- all of that is preventing you from detaching. It will drag out the process and mess with your head. Let him pursue if he wants to, but you have to give him the opportunity to pursue by drawing away and focusing on yourself. If he follows, fine. If he doesn't, then a new life awaits you.
Hi Ahoy - I don't think I am nice-ing him back. Someone feel free to hit me with a 2x4 though.
The snacks were Wonka's suggestion proposed earlier in my last thread, pre ML and I thought they were a great idea. It was definitely a 180 on my usual behaviour.
As for the ML, well, he definitely pursued that one. Maybe I should have stopped it but once he started touching me, well, I really wanted to. I do worry that the ML will stop me detaching though.
I'm trying to follow the advice of my DB coach who said to invite him for some activities and also to go on the "date" with him Wednesday (haven't spoken to her about the ML so I don't know what she'll say! I believe in DR MWD says it's ok to ML because it bonds spouses but I don't remember exactly).
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
I think you really did good with ML and not making a big deal out of it. If you act okay with that, then H will calm down. Funny, H is taking his nonverbal cues from you.
As for the snacks & movie, excellent! It's good to leave H alone and allow him space to just to enjoy himself.
Slow is fast.
Good job.
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Wonka. Especially since I wasn't sure if I handled it properly.
I mean, I feel like I'm supposed to validate H's feelings and listen to him and all that, but I also knew any sort of R talk wasn't beneficial, especially when he seemed to be in panic/pullback mode and feeling vulnerable.
As my friend told me (who doesn't know DB but seems to naturally get it) - 'you continue being strong, sexy, confident you and just be completely calm. His paranoia and confusion are his own, let him deal with it.'
If he brings it up again, should I let him talk or change the subject again?
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
So, I stretched out my GAL to basically avoid seeing H at all, because my emotions are quite raw and I don't want to say or do something I'd regret.
My plans for the day had been a belly dancing class, visiting a friend in hospital, and then a meetup. I skipped out on the belly dancing class and met a friend for coffee for some damage control, then we went to the hospital to visit our friend together. After his treatment, the 3 of us went for dinner (skipped the meetup).
Now I've gone to a coffee shop, planning to stay here a bit and then i'll head back once I think H will have left for his friend's house for dinner. Thought i'd go to bed early, before he gets back.
However, that still leaves me with tomorrow. I obviously can't avoid him forever. :P
I think I need to act (act as if, if necessary) calm and confident and the same as before - warm and friendly, not pursuing.
The problem is my instinct, weirdly, is not to pursue but to RUN the f away, and avoid him. In fact, earlier I was telling my friend I kind of want to just never see H again. Maybe I am as scared of conflict as he is?
I've been thinking about this for awhile, but if/when we S, I think I will go completely dark. H and I have no reason to see/speak to each other (no kids, no house). At BD he expressed the desire to remain best friends and see each other a lot, and I just don't see how that's possible. I couldn't do it, and I don't think he could if we're going to ML like that.
And then earlier today I just kept thinking - oh god, maybe it would just be all easier if I never saw him again. But I think partly that's just an instinct to flee.
My major questions for tonight: -How do I handle tomorrow? -What do I do if he brings up the topic of last night's ML again? -What if he tries to ML again?
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Wonka - one other thing, you mentioned before you saw similarities between my sitch and Train's, just curious what were the similarities you saw? I'm reading her threads now.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
My major questions for tonight: -How do I handle tomorrow? -What do I do if he brings up the topic of last night's ML again? -What if he tries to ML again?
I think you may just want to stick with your approach from today. The convo with your H seemed to work pretty well, and you may just want to go for more of the same. You enjoyed ML. It's not a huge deal etc..light and friendly, pretty busy etc.
You may want to pull back a little and see how he seems to be doing. Not put yourself in situations likely to lead to LM - just for now, whilst you monitor how he is doing after your intimacy last night...again - light, friendly etc..
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
